For some unfathomable reason, everyone LOVES to lie to bookworms.
It’s completely incomprehensible. What did we do to deserve this? It’s like me, a delicate youth, being given a dairy-free cheesecake and no matter how delicious it is still not ever going to be a cheesecake due to having NO FREAKING CHEESE. One of the many reasons I’ve lost faith in humanity.
And as a bookworm? Apparently I have a sign on my back that says: LIE TO ME. THIS MIGHT BE FUN.
It is not fun. It is very not fun.
Bookworms start off as creatures of shiny-eyed and heartfelt enthusiasm who love sparkles! Shiny covers! Dragon eggs! Buried treasure! And then you all go an start LYING TO US and we turn into pithily jaded growls in the darkness.
However I’d like to think we bookworms are hard to fool after a while. All these shenanigans and the wool people like to pull over our eyes? Nonsense.
Now I do see the question in your dead, dead eyes that sounds something a lot like “What the heck is she on about THIS TIME BECAUSE I CAN’T TAKE THE LEVEL OF MAD AROUND HERE” which is a super sweet question and I appreciate it and will answer it.
Today I’m listing 10 lies we bookworms get told ALL THE TIME. Like we haven’t gotten wise by now. HA. We have. You need to stop fooling us, humans on the earth!!! We are DONE taking this nonsense.
1. WHENEVER BOOK SELLERS SAY “IT’S THE NEXT HARRY POTTER!”
Basically any and all “it’s the next ____!!” are total and utter lies. I NO LONGER HAVE ANY BELIEF LEFT IN ME. Particularly when it seems like most sale pitches in publishing these days are just cobbling together big name titles. Like “This book is Harry Potter meets The Fault In Our Stars!!!” And I just…I cannot. *
I mean I GET why they do it. They pick titles most likely to be known by the populace. But it just sets the book up for disappointment! Can you believe I discovered The Scorpio Races on a list of books “just like The Hunger Games”???????? I’m still struggling, 4 years later, to understand HOW.
* Although fanfic of two terminally ill wizards falling in love could be interesting, I suppose. Especially if they use all sorts of risky magic trying to save each other–WAIT THIS MIGHT ACTUALLY BE A GOOD PLOT–
2. WHENEVER THE WORDS “THIS BOOK IS BEING MADE INTO A MOVIE” ARE USED.
See the correct words are: This book has been glanced over once by a film maker and someone has roughly summed it up in two sentences via wikipedia and now they’re making a movie using the title and 3 character names and literally nothing else at all.
See??? SO much more accurate.
They say “adaption” but I think “gutting like a worm on a fishhook” is a little more on point.
They’re not sorry. Do you know why? Because they just ARE DOING IT AGAIN. They’re probably on twitter typing out, “Sorry!” with an apologetic emoji in response to fans’ suffering while on their other laptop screen they’re literally outlining 19 more brutal character deaths and have a spreadsheet to calculate how many readers’ tears they’ll need to drink to achieve level: Evil Author Ultimate™.
I, as an author, would never do that obviously and am not speaking from inside knowledge. *
The other day I saw Adam Silvera on twitter saying he was writing a book that wasn’t as “feels destroying” as usual. I CAN SEE THE LIES RISING UPON THE MOUNTAIN TOPS. I love his books. I love them. But I’m pretty sure he exists to cause us pain.
* MORE LIES!! THIS POST IS FULL OF LIES!!
4. BEAUTIFUL BOOK COVERS WITH TERRIBLE INSIDES.
This is like just as BAD as the cheese-less cheesecake. It’s a despicable breach of my trust and my delicate self worth and I’m still in pain at every pretty cover that’s lied to me. Like, I cherished you??? I bought you because you were so beautiful??? I kept you safe from the evil that doesn’t sleep in Morder??? All I asked is that your beautiful cover delicately be wrapped around an amazing story.
It’s just WORSE these days since I’m on bookstagram and my #1 criteria for a book is whether (A) the spine helps fulfil my languishing rainbow arrays * and (B) whether the cover will look beautiful and photogenic. Um, yeah, I’m a shallow as a kiddie wading pool but I DON’T CARE. I need shiny gorgeous things in my life because I am a dragon.
They just also need to contain good stories inside. Please. Please. I can’t take the stabs to my soul anymore.
* Dude, do you realise how hard it is to find yellow naked spines??? And green for some reason?! I have 0% pink so like I just pretend that part of the rainbow doesn’t exist. IT’S RAINBOW ERASURE AND MY BOOKSTAGRAM SUFFERS FOR IT.
5. WHEN BOOKS HAVE MULTIPLE TITLES.
Just go ahead and lie to me, why don’t you, about how many books an author has. No joke, I actually once borrowed two books from the library by Cath Crowley: Chasing Charlie Duskin and a Little Wanting Song.
SURPRISE. THEY’RE THE SAME BOOK.
I still can’t understand why they change book titles. Like The Cresswell Plot is the same as In The Dark, In The Woods??? I don’t know what’s going on half the time generally, because I live in a small quiet world of delusion and grandeur. But books seem quite bent on just making it all worse.
6. BOOKS THAT LOOK SO SMALL AND INNOCENT AND SWEET.
This is like another ploy of cover designers to wreak havoc and I’ve begun to think that they’re the second-cousins of VOLDEMORT HIMSELF and just want to confuse and destroy. But I pick up books all the time that look so happy! And innocent! And kind! And full of fun! And then–
I WAS JUST STANDING HERE MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS AND NOW LOOK AT MY FEELS. THEY’RE SPLATTERED ALL OVER THE WALL. YOU’VE GIVEN ME ANXIETY. YOU’VE MADE A MESS.
I am a mess.
Thanks for nothing.
Mostly I just need books to contain small notes that say: warning, contains your demise.
7. BOOKSTORES THAT CLAIM TO BE SUPER CHEAP.
I’m not sure if this is just in Australia, but we have a bookstore chain that has a slogan of “Where you’ll never pay full price!” Yes. That is true. Because you pay freaking twice that much. I’m still salty that I can’t actually ever buy locally because I want to keep both my kidneys and not hawk them off for more books. It’s weird, my love of my own organs. I shouldn’t be so pedantic I suppose but yet. Kidneys. They seem nice.
Speaking of buying things….I also feel lied to just about by every bookish merchandise store that ever exists. Humans will be like, “Well it’s not too expensive to buy from here!” and I’ll frolic over like a wee lamb to slaughter and — BAM. Let me remind you that you’re poor and if you want both kidneys there is no affording that postage.
I think this post just turned into Struggles Of A Bookworm With No Money And A Strange Organ Attachment but you know what. Whatever. The day my blog turns sensible and orderly is the day you organise a rescue party because clearly I’ve been locked behind the moon and a fiend is running my page.
8. MY BOOKSHELF, CLAIMING IT CAN FIT MORE BOOKS IN IT.
Actually the one lying here might be me telling myself that SURE I can take out a 200pg novel and squeeeeeeze in a 500pg one in its place. What could go wrong!! But I swear my bookshelf is also to blame because I’ll leave it unattended with like several spare spots for books and then when I bring in new books….those holes are suddenly gone?
If this isn’t a giant conspiracy then WHAT IS IT.
9. BOOKS WITH “NEXT BOOK PREVIEW” AT THE BACK.
Don’t get me wrong, bonus content is rather incredibly cool. BUT NOT WHEN YOU’RE NOT WARNED BEFOREHAND, OKAY. You know when you’re reading an incredible book and it’s all tense and you’re like, “Oh great! There’s at least 3 more chapters!” and you read on with confidence, never knowing you should be savouring this last chapter. Because — LET’S HIT YOU WITH IT:
Those last pages? Preview for another book.
No no…it’s ok…these aren’t tears. It’s just raining on my entire life.
10. THE WORDS “RTC” ON REVIEWS ON GOODREADS.
Book bloggers have lots of little abbreviations because we’re busy creatures and have planets to destroy and wizard to eat and socialising with family to avoid. So it’s logical that we use our own language! Like “DNF” = did not finish. And “HEA” = happily ever after. And “OTP” = one true pairing.
These are all lovely and make sense!
Now “RTC” is supposed to mean “Review To Come” but what it actually means is: I READ A BOOK AND EITHER I’M BUSY OR I DON’T FEEL LIKE WRITING A REVIEW NOW OR IT’S TOO EARLY BUT I’M NEVER EVER EVER EVER COMING BACK TO WRITE THIS REVIEW SO LIKE, WHATEVER, SUFFER TOGETHER.
Which you can imagine is hard to condense into a fun acronym. So instead they LIE TO US and just say “review to come!” all perkily like we don’t know the review is never coming. I see this on books from 2013. Like, nobody remembers what they read in 2013. That review is as likely to appear now as the moon is to suddenly be made out of cheese. *