Bookworms are precious delicate little creatures.
And you should honestly treat them very carefully and nicely, because they’ve been traumatised enough by paperbacks. The internet is rather full to bursting with handy lists of things you shouldn’t tell your resident bookworm creature to avoid giving them a psychotic breakdown. So what can you say to bookworms??? What are the appropriate sentences to speak?? What phrases have been ORDAINED BY THE GREATER POWERS * as worthy to be spoken in the presence of a bookworm?????
LUCKY FOR YOU, I AM HERE TO TELL YOU ALL.
Here is a list of things you should regularly tell your resident bookworm. ** Probably every day. Maybe twice. Go for it.
* This is me, by the way.
** FYI I wrote a list of things you should regularly tell writers too, in case you have a known writer creature in your acquaintance and need a guide on how to speak to them too.
“I SEE YOU’VE RUN OUT OF BOOKSHELF SPACE SO INSTEAD OF SELLING BOOKS, WHY DON’T I GIVE UP MY ROOM FOR YOU TO KEEP BOOKS IN IT.”
Because heaven forbid we put with any of this “just get rid of books and that’ll give you more space” nonsense. DOWN TO THE DARK VOID WITH THAT. Instead, people should be so much more reasonable and just give us the shelf space we deserve. I mean, why can’t you live in a cardboard box out in the rain while we use your room for more bookshelves????? Obviously this is the solution.
“I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU BUT I SEE YOU’RE READING, SO I WILL SAY NOTHING.”
Two things happen if you interrupt a bookworm who’s reading. Either (1) you witness the bookworm carefully lay down their book and then START SCREAMING LIKE AN ARMADILLO THAT JUST STEPPED ON A LEGO, or (2) Armageddon gets moved forward.
Just walk away, mate, just walk away.
“I WILL DIG YOU OUT FROM UNDER YOUR GINORMOUS TBR IF IT FALLS ON YOUR HEAD.”
This is like the truest sign of friendship. Oh be still my beating heart! I’m having an emotion! * If you TRULY love a bookworm, this will be your pledge to their welfare.
Just, um, beware you’ll probably be offering this dig-you-out-of-your-self-inflicted-book-grave at least twice a week. Maybe more.
No, shhh. It’s not hoarding. It’s book adoption.
* Which is highly irregular for me. I mean, I do have emotions. On a schedule. Sometimes on Tuesdays, from 7pm to 8pm I might allow an emotion or too. Often on Sundays too, after work hours. No one can say I am a coldhearted fridge.
“I DON’T MIND THAT THERE’S NO EVIDENCE OF OUR FRIENDSHIP ON YOUR PHONE BECAUSE YOUR CAMERA ROLL IS FULL OF SHELFIES.”
Look, my iPod is very clear that I have low storage spaces, so what am I going to do??? OBVIOUSLY DELETE NEEDLESS PHOTOS. And that would be people’s faces. I mean, why? Why would we want photos of people / events on our phone when we could have PHOTOS OF GLORIOUS BOOKS??
Actual Representation Of Bookworm Camera Roll Preferences:
Person 1: Look at this photo of my cute kid!
Person 2: Look at this photo of my cute dog!
Person 3: Look at this photo of my cute food!
Bookworm: LOOK AT THIS PHOTO OF MY BOOKSHELF LOOK HOW IT’S GROWN OMG THE DARLING IS SO BEAUTIFUL.
“YOU READ SO MUCH, ERGO YOU ARE SUPER SMART.”
Reading makes you smarter. This is actual truth. Forget that we’ve stayed up till 3am sobbing over a fictional character’s death. WE’RE STILL SUPER SMART. NO DENY.
Proof That Books Make You Smarter:
- you become more empathetic
- you learn about other countries, opinions, and cultures
- you learn handy skills like how to build a cathedral or kill a man with spaghetti
- you develop your vocabulary
- you learn how to fit 87 books in a space where only 4 should really go
- you learn how to spell complicated authors’ names
- you develop math skills from working out if you can survive on 9 tins of tuna for a month while you make a nice book order
- you become adept at first aid because paper cuts
- you gain knowledge on so many topics
- like where to bury a body
- you become a dragon which is, honestly, super clever
“LET ME BUY YOU A BOOK. OR TWO. OR NINE. OR AN ENTIRE ISLAND FULL OF BOOKS.”
Some non-bookworms have this mistaken idea that they shouldn’t buy us books for Christmases/birthdays/events because we have “too many already”. BAH HUMBUG, YOU UNDERCOOKED TURNIP. There is no such thing. Plus do you know how easily that can send a bookworm into mental breakdown mode? Very easily. And you don’t want that. It’s messy.
So just buy bookworms books. ALL THE TIME. When in doubt = buy a book.
Or show us you really care and go for the whole island that is actually a secret library with WiFi and no people for 700 kilometres so we can read in peace. *
* Although truthfully this’ll only work for introvert bookworms, so check your resident bookworm’s energy type before you acquire the island. It might need to be only 70 miles from civilisation. Or in the opposite case of the Extreme Introvert Bookworm — the island would be best in another galaxy. Location location location, peoples.
“I’M READING THAT BOOK YOU RECOMMENDED.”
Hands down, this is the BEST compliment ever. And if you ever say this to a bookworm and they spontaneously burst into evil cackling laughter — then rest assured the book you’re consuming is about to slay you in the feels.
And you’re welcome already.
“I WILL HAPPILY LISTEN TO YOU TALK ABOUT A BOOK FOR 62 HOURS STRAIGHT WHILE I MAKE US COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF SNACKS AND DON’T ANNOYINGLY INTERRUPT YOU.”
This is one of the most beautiful sentences in human history. Seriously. Go look up Shakespeare who quoted this in 17th century and nations bowed before the brilliance of this line. * And while you’re fact-checking how Shakespeare said this, go make your resident bookworm a snack.
Cake is good.
Or chocolate covered pretzels.
Or I’m not saying no to Turkish Delight for the aesthetic of literary food. **
* Sometimes I don’t even know how I think up the things that I say on this blog. It’s incredible honestly how great I am at
lying making stuff up.
** All the cool kids under white witchs’ powers are eating it these days.
“HERE LET ME JUST ACCIDENTALLY ABANDON YOU IN A BOOKSTORE OVERNIGHT SO YOU GET LOCKED INSIDE.”
If this isn’t the bookworm dream I don’t know what is. * I can see no downside to this plan, actually, except maybe you becoming really attached to living in the bookstore and becoming sort of The Phantom of the Bookstore and haunting people and spontaneously singing opera in the storage room while you flit around reading books in the darkness and then accidentally throwing a chandelier at people. That could be awkward. Try to avoid going that far. **
* Well, an alternative bookworm dream is finding out you have a very rich dead relative in Europe who’s just left you a castle with floor to ceiling bookshelves with spinny ladders. Because, GUYS, I WANT A CASTLE.
** But seriously: LOOK, MUM, I FOUND A NEW CAREER PLAN.
“I HAVE JUST MADE YOU A SNACK THAT IS A CAKE SHAPED LIKE A BOOK BECAUSE YOU ARE A MAGNANIMOUS BOOK DRAGON AND I RESPECT THAT. SO NOW YOU CAN EAT YOUR ONE TRUE LOVE.”
This is the #2 reason * I want to become an author, actually — so I can make a cake with my book cover on it and then eat it and feel vaguely satisfied that I have BUILT and DESTROYED. But that aside I think it would simply MAKE A BOOKWORM’S DAY to be given a cupcake that also looks like a book. If you want an instant friend, this is how to do it.
And honestly just think of all the struggles bookworms go through everyday. Like realising their BFF is not only fictional BUT ALSO DEAD and surviving mid-series book cover changes and also putting up with malicious attacks from their neglected TBRs. We deserve cake. **
* The #1 reason I want to be an author is obviously because I want reading exciting stabbtastic books to be considered “research” and therefore “crucial to my work process”. And also because pyjamas are the writer’s uniform.
** How much did I mention food in this post??? Did I mention food as much as I mentioned books? NOTE TO SELF: do not try to write up posts before dinner.
Now that you know how to properly speak to we bookworms, go forth! Use your knowledge!
Bless the world with your thoughtful comments. I 100% guarantee your resident bookworms will like something from this list. Likely they’ll be most fond of the one where you buy them lots of books. Just a wild guess.
Remember! Always speak PROPERLY AND RESPECTFULLY to your resident bookworm and don’t risk phrases like “reading that much will damage your brain” unless you want to die. Because we’ve read a book on how to get away with murder.