As a vivacious reader who devours 200+ books a year, you think I would be really good at knowing what books to pick, right?!
Well. Wrong, my friend, so so wrong.
This is because I have 3 problems, summarised as: (A) I want to read all the books of ever and how can I skip one because what if I miss something???? I can’t miss anything???? and (B) due to reading 200+ books a year I KNOW QUALITY WHEN I SEE IT, hence I have very high expectations and demands…this isn’t bad, it just lands me reading a lot of gnarly books; and lastly (C) I have the compassionate range of a piece of bread so it’s hard to get me emotionally invested in anything really.
I mean, there is emotional bread out there, probably???? But I’m the stale gluten free kind that you can’t eat without toasting after Day #1 or you’ll die.
Needless to say, I read a lot of books that I think I’ll like but I really really really really don’t.
Today I’m going to list 10 of them and I’m not going to rant or be angry! I’m just going to mention why I thought I’d love them but then did not. And this is the Top Ten Tuesday prompt from last week because I didn’t do it last week because WRITING. * And apparently they’ve gone on break. HOW DARE THEY THO, SON. I WAS JUST ON BREAK??? NOW THEY’RE ON BREAK???? WE DID NOT COORDINATE THIS WELL.
Also, obvious statement: but if you love a book I mention, THAT’S AWESOME. I STILL LOVE YOU. But discussing disappointments is part of the book blogger’s life, ** so here we go anyway.
* Hey look! You can read snippets of my ghostly Phantom of the Opera retelling wherein I wrote two books when I thought I was just going to write one because #obsessed.
** Well it’s part of my book bloggers life because I know no bookworms in real life except my mother who reads 900 page romance novels and I just…???? Sorry, Mum. But where are the zombies and how do you stand NINE HUNDRED PAGES of romance????
1. AN EMBER IN THE ASHES
WHY I THOUGHT I’D LOVE IT: I adore fantasy!! And this one promised to be super stabby with a whole Roman-slash-stab thing going on, with rebels and soldiers and a starcrossed romance and dARKNESS.
WHY I WAS OH SO WRONG: Well. It use the violence rather pointlessly. Like “let’s have everyone in the academy kill each other LOL @ YOU ALL” which is completely dumb because how do you expect to build an army if you only keep the best??? Dude. You use the non-best soldiers to go out in the front lines???? Has no one ever thought about military strategy before??? And it basically threatened rape on every second page. I’M NOT HERE FOR THIS. Plus why were the starcrossed lovers even attracted???? The emotionless bread strikes again.
2. ASSASSIN’S HEART
WHY I THOUGHT I’D LOVE IT: I do so like assassins and fantasy-esque-Mafia-families!
WHY I WAS OH SO WRONG: Well. It features a simply horrible assassin who spends chapter one telling me how GOOD SHE IS only to nearly die because SHE’S REALLY QUITE STUPID. I also fall apart at the bit where everyone was wearing masks to “protect their identity” but they all wore specific masks so you knew who they were. “Like oh there’s the tiger stripes, that’s uncle Bob!” WHY ARE WE WEARING MASKS THEN. It was just all rather tediously frustrating for me.
3. RED QUEEN
WHY I THOUGHT I’D LOVE IT: Because everyone else does?!? Haha. I’m terrible when it comes to hype. I want all the hype. But this sounded cool and like QUEENS. I like queens. I need tips obviously for my own career.
WHY I WAS OH SO WRONG: Because it’s literally a mashup of EVERY dystopian ever and takes very heavily from The Selection, Red Rising, Xmen, and The Hunger Games. Where is the originality?? Hath it flown away on the back of a small dove??? Plus it has a love-square, was super cliche, had a special snowflake of angst, and a girl named after a horse. I just want not.
4. RUIN & RISING (#3)
WHY I THOUGHT I’D LOVE IT: Because I absolutely ADORED the first two books in the series!! They are my life!! My little Grisha Russian-esque-fantasy children!!
WHY I WAS OH SO WRONG: what. even. happened. here. I think I could be just summarised as being “an angry burnt scone” at this point. First off, mY SHIP SUNK. Then no one really achieved much because Alina was too busy being a Saint. Then they shoved off a character I loved dearly with a really dumb plot twist. THEN MY SHIP SUNNNNNK. So I’m just mad, basically. I’ll reread the perfection that is Crooked Kingdom 10000 times to make myself forget this.
5. THE NOVICE
WHY I THOUGHT I’D LOVE IT: Because FANTASY. Do you see a theme here??? I see a fantasy, and I just gotta eat it. Also I like reading books narrated by boys and they’re surprisingly mythical creatures to find. Plus that cover, dude. If only I looked that badass in jeans and a hoodie.
WHY I WAS OH SO WRONG: Well. It was cliche. It was like Tolkien fanfic but with very angsty children who CAN DO IT ALL BY THEMSELVESSSSS BECAUSE THEY’RE SMARRRRRT. #NotReallyNo Orphans, special snowflakes, cringey quips, you know the drill…I knew the drill so well I fell asleep.
6. 100 DAYS OF CAKE
WHY I THOUGHT I’D LOVE IT: BECAUSE CAKE. CAKE! CAKE! CAKE! CAKE!
WHY I WAS OH SO WRONG: I should’ve known since she dropped the cake. This book was basically like trying to give me cake and then throwing it on the ground in front of me. For starters: you could take the cake out of the story because IT DID NOTHING TO THE PLOT and she doesn’t even really like eating the cake. Next it has a mega creepy therapist-client-romance (pls no never ever) and it’s tedious and sad and saaaaad and SAD. My….cake….
WHY I THOUGHT I’D LOVE IT: Because RETELLING OF NUTCRACKER. Like I am darn sick of Cinderella retellings, folks. I want more ballets and obscure folk tales. Plus that cover is gorgeous. If only she doesn’t accidentally stab herself in the throat. Like, darling, the aesthetic is nice, but you must not hold a blade like that, my little cupcake.
WHY I WAS OH SO WRONG: Well. It was boring. And also quite sensual and when I read it BACK WHEN I WAS A SMALL CHILD (like 3 years ago but whatever) I wasn’t used to New Adult-esque levels of steamy. I probably wouldn’t care now. But the boring part is still an issue. And she was making out with a statue????? Dude, what is with that. I’m about to beat someone to death with a breadstick here.
8. THE SIN EATER’S DAUGHTER
WHY I THOUGHT I’D LOVE IT: Well it said EATING so I have rights to assume there would be food in here.
WHY I WAS OH SO WRONG: No food, mate, no food. Her mother did the sin eating so it had exactly 0% of an effect on her life. Apparently she just touched people and they died, except she was locked in a temple so not a lot was going on. Oh, she did sewing and fell in love with a guard. Wow look at all these strong female heroines who can do stuff for themselves and have worth outside of romance.
9. THE WELL OF ASCENSION (#2)
WHY I THOUGHT I’D LOVE IT: Because I really liked The Final Empire! Even if it was a bit slow. But heists and things yay!
WHY I WAS OH SO WRONG: IT WAS SO MIND-NUMBLINGLY BORING I ACTUALLY PREFERRED THROWING MYSELF INTO THE VORTEX OF SPACE DESTRUCTION THAN READING IT. Look. I’m sorry. I said I wouldn’t be ragey. I promised. I apologise. It’s just that this book was slow and incredibly sexist and problematic and then to top it off, someone on twitter started a hate thread about me because of my dislike of this book. Which lead to losing friends, follows, being called really vile names, etc etc etc. That really gets to ya, you know? If people aren’t mature enough to realise everyone can have different opinions because we are not a hive mind then — DON’T BE ON THE INTERNET.
10. THRONE OF GLASS SERIES
WHY I THOUGHT I’D LOVE IT: Because I 100000% loved the first two books. There was food and puppies and super strong and fierce friendship and Celaena put the SASS in assassin.
WHY I WAS OH SO WRONG: Now I know so many people love this series and if you do I’M HAPPY FOR YOU. But I can’t with the way Celanea just turned around and spat on friendship unless it profited her. That’s not friendship. Friendship is sacred and how dare you. I’m miffed by the whole “Caleana and Chaol said they were each other’s heart and home but LOL @ YOU THAT WAS 2 PAGES AGO AND NOW SHE WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH HER COUSIN”. I can’t with how every male is in love with her and how they kill off the only diverse character and cut disabled characters out of the story line. It went from a series I felt empowered reading, to one I wanted to cry over because #betrayal.
IF YOU LOVE IT, I’M HAPPY FOR YOU. My perspective isn’t going to be the same as yours!! Thank goodness we are all different!! It makes us humans with brains instead of unripe avocados who do not think for themselves!!!