“Collect books!” they said. “It’ll be fun!” they said.
Well they lied and they’re probably laughing right now. Because honestly, when I traverse into the leafy earthy forests to gather books * amongst the roots and mushrooms, I expect to have a good time. Instead I get very attacked by the difficulties that are BOOKS THEMSELVES. They seem bent on me having a hard time. This is unreasonable??? What did I do to deserve this?? I am a good person??
I mean I’m a good person except for that one time when I couldn’t find a bookmark so I put the book open and face down on my bed. It was only for a few minutes but — I guess we’re all monsters on the inside.
Today I want to talk about books that have taken it open themselves to stress my delicate constitution. The actual physical book. Not the insides. Not the words. The rude book itself. Look I’m here to make friends, collect beautiful tomes, and fill my world with piles of books and cupcake crumbs. WHY YOU GOTTA MAKE THINGS SO HARD FOR ME. **
* THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT, RIGHT????
** I got called dramatic once, but some people exaggerate obviously.
I’m also linking up with Top Ten Tuesday for their prompt “books you had a hard time with” and look, people, LOOK. I’m actually genuinely doing the prompt PROPERLY!!! I’M SO EXCITED FOR ME. I also don’t really know who I am anymore right now!! Nice!!
Although to be fair, I think the prompt wanted me to talk about books I struggled with but ended up loving but I’VE DONE THAT, so check out those posts too below if you can’t get enough of me.
Which obviously you can never have enough of Paper Fury. *
* Why are you fleeing the country???? I thought we talked about this.
1. A GATHERING OF SHADOWS & A CONJURING OF LIGHT
Now I love love looooove these books SO FREAKING MUCH that I had to collect the hardcovers. Had to. The need burned my soul. Yes well apparently I can’t have nice things.
BASIC SUMMARY OF THE SITUATION.
Me: I shall buy the hardcovers even though they are very very very expensive.
Universe: Here is A Conjuring Of Light for you THE SPINE IS TOTALLY TORN.
Universe: And here is A Gathering of Shadows for you YOUR COPY JUST HAPPENS TO BE MISPRINTED SO IT’S NOT CENTRED.
Me: what the heck did i do to you
I at least got a replacement of ACOL but AGOS is forever in my life: UNCENTERED.
2. WONDER WOMAN: WARBRINGER
Okay but first LOOK HOW PRETTY IT IS. Some books are pretty but this book is PRETTY and if you think the all caps doesn’t make a difference — shhhh. You’re wrong. Also my copy arrived in the Illumicrate book box which I 500% RECOMMEND (I also have a discount code fyi of “CAIT10” which you can put in checkout and get 10% off — just to self promo myself there most splendidly) and has red stained pages!!!
It’s a good book, humans, it’s a very good book.
But obviously not without dramatic tragedy because HELLO. It’s me. *
So firstly, the font is super tiny. And I am apparently a 23 year old grandmother and you have me squinting at your tiny font you’re going to end up with me weeping like a piteous kitten in the background. And then, I suppose I can’t blame the book for this, but everyone kEPT INTERRUPTING ME. I literally sat down to read the book and every. single. time, I got about 2 pages and I had to put it down again.
Look cities have been burned down for less. I am the fury dragon queen. How do people not know this. **
* Feel free to keep singing. I won’t judge.
** TOTAL CALL OUT TO MY FAMILY, WHO I AM PUBLICLY SHAMING. Also my dog. Also the weather. Also the clock. Also my stomach that got hungry when I got to a good bit.
3. ALL MY PERCY JACKSON BOOKS OF EVER
I’ve talked about my Riordan collection woes before but like…the stars haven’t aligned to fix them yet. (This seems like bad customer service.) And I’m still frequently looking up and shouting, “WHY? JUST WHY.” Because NOTHING MATCHES. The only ones that match are my boxset of the first series but like both my Apollo books are different editions. My Magnus Chases are different sizes. My heart is in 7 pieces so heck. Why don’t I just go ahead and build a horcrux.
I’M BROKEN ANYWAY.
I have so so many problems with sites that sell books + advertise a specific cover = SEND YOU SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. This was a second hand site, but excuse me, false advertising is still not okay.
So they told me I’d get the cover on the right but SENT THE ONE ON THE LEFT. Which is actually a heinous crime against humanity and an insult to eyeballs everywhere.
I actually had a lovely friend gift me the copy that would match the other two in the trilogy I already had though! After I burned my eyeballs to purge them of the sight of the older one.
5. THE WINNER’S KISS
FUN FURY STORY TIME: So I was on the blog tour for this and it was a lovely blog tour for a series I highly adore. But because the Australian Post has a vendetta against me — my copy of the finale book would. not. come.
I think the post office was reading them. The publisher ended up sending three out, and I only barely scrapped getting a single one before my tour date. And we’re talking WEEKS of books being missing.
I hope you HAD A GOOD TIME READING THEM, FREAKING POST OFFICE.
6. A GAME OF THRONES
I’ve had SUCH a difficult time with this series, I honestly am beginning to think it’s taken personal offence to me. Is it like my hair or something?? Because it’s not as fabulous as Jon Snow’s??? Well sorry. Accept me for who I am.
But let’s have a quick rundown on all the ways these books made me miserable:
- Firstly the audio for book one had a SCRATCH IN IT. Yes. And you know in which scene? A pivotal scene where Ned Stark is deciding whether to
throw away his lifego serve as the King’s Hand. So one minute he’s like “Hey dear Catelyn, we need to talk about this” and then the audio was like “LOL @ YOU WANTING TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS” did a massive scene jump and then suddenly we’re off to King’s Landing????? I still haven’t a clue if they fought, were chill over it, or what made him decide.
- Then you see my copy of Storm of Swords? It’s a library sale reject. I cannot for the LIFE OF ME get the library sticker barcode off it. I’m covering it with flowers and tears.
- And let’s go back to complaining about the audio because the NARRATOR IS ON MY BLACK LIST. Look when you’re narrating an extremely long and complex series there are rules. And rule #1 is = if you’re going to give people accents DO NOT FRIKKIN’ MIX THEM UP. I’m sorry I’m very worked up over this. It’s nearly been 2 years and I’m still damaged because in the finale book he swapped everyone’s accents around and I was so so so so confused. Cersei and Tyrion shared the same voice and that was heckin’ confusing. Ayra and Dany kept swapping between each other’s tones. And then he’d “swap them back to the right voice” MID-CHAPTER. I just???? I mean, do you hate me and how I have no physical book on hand, JUST the audios to go off???? DO YOU WISH ME DEAD AS A STARK.
7. SIMON VS THE HOMO SAPIENS AGENDA
I read this book firstly via a library audio and it was GREAT. So much enjoyment!! And then a few months later I won a copy from a blogger x a handwritten note from Becky Albertalli and Simon himself! Like SQUEEEE, right?!????
Look all I’m going to say is that if you offer a giveaway — you need to send the book. It’s frustrating, disappointing, and rude otherwise! I would usually not follow up because #super #anti #confrontation but I reeeally wanted this one. Least to say it took SIX MONTHS before I got my copy and there was no handwritten note.
8. THE NAME OF THE WIND
There is no true photo of this, so just imagine a pile of wind chasing chaff through your hands: BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED TO ME. I guess it’s aesthetic? But I am not here for aesthetic??? I just want a functional book, thanks??
THE FUN FURY STORY: I found a copy for $3 at a second hand story and YAY! I love this book! So I dutifully took it to the counter, paid my $3 nice dollars, turned around and
I think it was only held together by the dark magic of the store and as soon as human hands held it — GOODBYE WORLD. It literally fell apart in my hands.
Hey but at least they gave me that precious $3 back but I wanted that book. Gee.
9. THE BOOK THIEF
I read this years ago and always wanted a copy and LUCKY ME found one at a library sale. It was a red cover and not one I wanted per se, but it’s a copy!! This is great news!! Death is in my life!! *
So obviously the very next week they had out another copy that was YES the edition I wanted but also YES it was falling apart in my hands because good things come to Cait perfectly never.
I mean, I still bought it for 50 cents, because otherwise it probably would’ve been binned and I’m a book saviour but for goodness sakes why is it so hard for me to have nice things.
* I REALISE HOW THAT SOUNDS. BUT IN CONTEXT OF THE BOOK, IT’S OK.
10. JUST ALL THE BOOK TITLES OF EVER OK.
This is just going to be a last hurrah and blatant call-out to all the titles that have messed with my fragile life. I think maybe I should blame me for some of these because apparently I’m about as literate as an fruit tree. But look they gave me a hard time, so ON THE LIST THEY GO:
- QUEEN OF GEEKS: I spent 67% of my time recommending people read “Queen Of The Geeks.” Everyone was confused. Several national tragedies occured because of it.
- SHADOW AND BONE vs DAUGHTER OF SMOKE AND BONE: I legit picked up DOSAB thinking it was about Russia. It was not. Why do they insist on being so similar.
- STRANGE THE DREAMER: Just put it in an acronym and you see why we have trouble.
- DENTON LITTLE’S DEATH DATE: I swear it was Denton’s Little Death Date. Mine is cuter.
- LEARNING TO SWEAR IN AMERICA: I thought it was Learning To Swear In American. And mine makes more sense since Americans clearly don’t speak English because they don’t even know what a bunyip is.
- THE GIRL WITH ALL THE GIFTS: this obviously ended up as The Girl With All The GIFs for me. Nobody ever knows what I’m talking about.
- THE GREAT LIBRARY SERIES: Which are great books and I love them but what are the titles? Ink and Paper? Fire and Quill? Ink and Ash? Ink and Quill? Firey Ink and Quill In the Paper? COULD SOMEONE MABYE DO ME UP SOME FLASHCARDS. I NEED HELP.
- GEMINA: Okay this one is actually shout out to my mum who was helping me pack my books to move and swore the title was “Jemima” which is also the name of my sister. I’m just putting this here because it amuses me and I took 99 YEARS trying to figure out what she meant when she’s like “It’s nice you have a book named after your sister!” And I’m just….so so so confused.
Okay wow hopefully my family doesn’t read this post because I spent most of it mocking them.