Finally, Australia decided to release the Desolation of Smaug in cinemas. They sure took their time. (Insert slightly annoyed face.) But! We’ve discussed it! We actually didn’t rabbit-trail as much as normal! And, though we disagreed on how much we liked it, no one got called a Fool of a Took. (We were quite restrained.)
MIME: Who doesn’t love a lot of elves, hungry dwarves, sneaking hobbitses and the One Ring?
CAIT: Yeah, it was okay.
MIME: Don’t mind us, I’m just going to smother Cait with a pillow. Because how could anybody dare insult the Lord of the Rings?
MIME: Okay, Cait could. Whatever. I thought it was as amazing as any Lord of the Rings could be… as for its failings, it’s the middle of a trilogy. The Two Towers wasn’t perfection, either.
CAIT: Speaking of Two Towers, did you notice who they brought in cool-woman-Eowyn then? And then in Desolation of Smaug they brought in TAURIEL. OH YEAH. She’s cool. Awesome. Does everything with long hair. And is about 600 years old.
MIME: She’s like Eowyn’s fighting awesomeness with Arwen’s elfiness.
CAIT: So middle-of-trilogy-movies always bring in a cool girl. To outweigh the stupidity of the guy characters. Can we take a moment to talk about: Thranduil. He was Middle Earth’s mean girl. Seriously, I can see him saying, “No Thorin, on Durin’s day we wear pink. And you’re not wearing pink, so we’re not helping you.”
MIME: You know, he basically said that. But on the plus side, Thorin was far less of a jerk, himself. At least, for the first part. Actually, one of the tricky parts of this movie was the points of view. There were a lot of them. We had the Bilbo/dwarves storyline. We had Gandalf. We had the orcs. We had the elves. We had Bard the Bowman…
CAIT: Speaking of Bard. What was his mother thinking when she named him? Bard the Bowman?
MIME: It’s not as bad as naming your kids Fili and Kili. They’re not even twins.
CAIT: Ha. I can beat that. Frodo son of DROGO?!!
MIME: Dori, Nori, and Ori?
CAIT: Bombur? His parents set him up for a lifetime of struggling with his width.
MIME: Okay, let’s stop that there. My main upset with the movie wasn’t how they changed stuff from the book (I actually liked 99.9% of their changes. The changes worked and sometimes moved it from being very cutesy (the book was written for children) to being more LOTR compatible. No, I was just disappointed that there wasn’t way more Bilbo.
CAIT: I demand more Bilbo!
MIME: Bilbo is hilarious. As far as main characters go, the story focused more on Thorin and Kili than Bilbo. And by the end of the movie, there was more Bard than Bilbo (Bard literally had a paragraph in the book.)
CAIT: I did like Bard, but I had this tiny problem. He looks like Legolas when Legolas was Will Turner. See? I’ll show you.
|Bard from Desolation of Smaug|
|Will Turner/Legolas from Pirates of the Caribbean|
I honestly thought they were just being cheap and cast Orlando Bloom for two parts.
MIME: The resemblance is uncanny.
CAIT: While we’re discussing Legolas, I will mention that his ballet on top of the dwarves heads during the river scene was amazing and totally unnecessary. I loved it.
MIME: Elfen show-off. I know Legolas and Tauriel weren’t in the book, but I thought they were a good addition. Also, can we discuss the dragon??
MIME:Seriously? I said discuss. Okay. The visuals were spectacular (as expected) and the final battle was quite stressful, and the dragon’s voice… did sound a bit like the necromancer. Did they get the same guy to do both because Smaug is a projection of Sauron, or was it casting costs?
MIME: Oh, go away. I’ll just assume it could be either, but it was pretty much just how anyone would imagine Sauron the Necromancer sounding. Actually, one of the benefits of how much they changed the book is that I have no idea what’s going to happen in the third movie. Oh, the suspense!
CAIT: I know what’s going to happen. We’ll sit in the cinema for 3 hours watching a battle scene. And then Bilbo trots home home back again. You know “There and Back Again“? Gosh, if it’s 3 hours of walking…
MIME: You’ve been watching too much Honest Trailers. You haven’t said anything nice about the movie the whole time. Expect for Tauriel being cool.
CAIT: Um, and…? Okay! It was just a bit long for me. I didn’t see a point to a lot of stuff. Like Gandalf ditching the expedition again? And his whole, “Evil? Come out come out wherever you are!” What was he expecting? A black rabbit?
MIME: A necromancer, not a bunch of orcs. Enough with the spoilers. Gandalf ditched the expedition the whole book, so don’t blame the movie.
CAIT: I’m just saying he’s not a very responsible parent.
MIME: They’re all about 300 years old. I’m pretty sure they should be able to look after themselves. But the best part was, of course, that Legolas was insulting Gimili before he even knew him. What’s this orc-mutant?
CAIT: That’s me wee son, Gimli.
MIME: And so the friendship begins.
MIME: Brilliant! Wonderful! LOTR, so of course I love it!
CAIT: Fili and Kili FTW.
|Kili’s face in the background…”This is so much fuuuuun!”|