I often mention several things in passing, like “I-will-rule-the-world” and “I-feel-like-a-deluded-pineapple”, and even more commonly “I-am-terrified-of-ginormous-books”. I say these things, but do I explain them? NO. So! Today I’m going to expand upon the last one: my fear of big books. Because if I haven’t convinced you why my fabulousness is headed for world rulership, then you are a lost cause.
I would rather read two books in one day than read a 600+ page monstrosity. It’s rather ridiculous right?! If I’m reading one book, I stick in one world! My mind doesn’t get twisted into a pretzel. I don’t have to compare the books. I get the satisfaction of delving deeper into a world I enjoy. SO WHY WOULD I ALWAYS BAULK AT THE BIG BOOKS?
Okay, keep calm, keep calm. Let’s make a logical list of reasons why.
1. I GET BORED EASILY.
My motto is “conquer and move on”, and, as I confessed recently, I actually love book beginnings the most. I would rather read more beginnings than stuffer through a longer middle which is my least-liked part of a book. I’m forever wanting to read something NEW. I also struggle to reread.
2. I REALLY LIKE “TICKING” THINGS OFF MY LIST.
I have a list, did you know this? It’s titled “READ ALL THE BOOKS OF THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE” and I would like to get through it in my short lifetime. If I read small books, I get to tick more off my list. And puh-lease. Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t adore ticking things off lists too. All those who write lists of things they’ve already accomplished…raise thine hand. ME TOO!
3. THERE IS A 98% CHANCE THAT IF A BOOK IS BEYOND 600 PAGES THAT IT WAFFLES IN THE MIDDLE.
I like waffles. I like to eat them. I DON’T LIKE TO READ THEM. I say “waffling” when I mean books are languishing with unnecessary scenes or prose in the middle. Or they’re just taking forever to go about doing something simple.*
I haven’t met a long book yet that I wouldn’t like to edit. Just a little. You know, just a little trim around the edges. Oh gosh, if you gave me a red pen and a big book I’d probably GO WILD LIKE A CUCUMBER** AT IT.
* If I had a dollar for every time Game of Thrones waffled around, I would have enough money for the all the chocolate I’m forced to eat out of nervous anticipation.
** Please don’t doubt how wild cucumbers can get.
4. THEY TAKE UP TOO MUCH SPACE ON MY BOOKSHELF. DANG IT.
I can fit, like 15 normal books on my shelves. And only about 4 Skulduggery Pleasant books. ARGHHH. As much as I love Derek Landy, his books are getting very long. I haven’t begun to collect Game of Thrones, but I dare say they’ll destroy what little shelf space I have left. And can we take a moment to talk about Cassandra Clare?! GOSH, I LOVE HER. But her books are killing me. I have a whole shelf designated for Cassie Clare books and it’s full. I AM STILL MISSING SEVERAL VOLUMES. I’m facing breaking up the family and this is a travesty.
5. I HAVE A MEMORY LIKE WATERMELON ICE CREAM LEFT IN THE SUN – AKA I REMEMBER NOTHING. AND BIG BOOKS TAKE LONGER TO READ, ERGO MORE TIME TO FORGET.
By the time I’ve reached the end of a mammoth volume, like The Finale Empire by Brandon Sanderson, I’ve pretty much forgotten the beginning. Even if I focus as hard as my braincells allow without spontaneous combustion, I always forget all the things. Goodreads status updates save lives. BUT THEY DON’T WIN THE WAR. I’ve argued with my brain about its memory capacity more than once, but, well, let’s just say we’re still having words. At least I think we are. I honestly can’t remember.
So maybe it’s not completely sensible of me to dislike large books, but I JUST DO. Although not all large books make me curl up and wither into a pickle. I’m rather addicted to Game of Thrones (I basically croak about it all over the place all the time and probably drive you all NUTS). And I’m so excited for Goodreads’ promise that Queen of Shadows (Throne of Glass #4) is going to be an absolute mountainous conglomeration of pain.
But I will always pick the smaller book. Always. 350-pages is a good size for a book.