Everyone blathers on about how good it is to be a bookworm. But who stops to caculate the costs?! The damages?! THE DANGER?!
“You get to live a thousand lives!” they say. “You experience whole new worlds!” they chirp. And it’s all sunshine and rainbow cupcakes. WELL. NO IT’S NOT.
Being a bookworm is actually a hazardous occupation and sometimes just downright scary.
But it’s okay! Do not panic too much. I have a list here (as I almost always do on this blog) of occupational hazards a bookworm might face, which will (helpfully) aid you in knowing whether you should take the risk and read books. I will keep nothing from you, I promise.
1. PAPER CUTS
Bleeding out because of a book with bloodlust issues is a REAL THREAT. Plus what if you read alone?! There’ll be no one to a) rescue your book from bloodstains, and b) maybe possibly tourniquet your appendage so you don’t die. Which leads me to…
Okay, say you decide to avoid paper cuts and use an eReader? What if you read a sad book and cry on it and then electrocute yourself? What if you drop it in the bath? It’s so risky to be a reader, honestly.
3. SUFFOCATION WHEN YOUR ENORMOUS TBR FALLS ON YOU AND YOU CAN’T GET OUT.
You know that pile of 134 odd books you’ve been meaning to read?! WHAT IF IT FALLS ON YOU! What if you have a book over you face and you smother?
4. BEING FLATTENED LIKE A PROVERBIAL PANCAKE WHEN A BOOKSHELF FALLS ON YOU
My bookshelf, wisely, is bolted to the wall. I have taken precautions! I have done the research on the odds of death-by-bookshelf! I AM PREPARED. Are you prepared? Have you risked standing beside your bookshelf recently and considered life as a 2D pancake after you get squished?
5. TREES RISING UP DURING THE APOCALYPSE AND COMING TO RECLAIM THEIR BROTHERS.
They ain’t gonna be happy, is all I’m saying. After all, that bookshelf? It’s full of dead trees. And everyone knows (well, the people who’ve read Narnia or Lord of the Rings) that the trees are only sleeeeeping. I’m pretty sure the apocalypse is either going to involve a) zombies or be) humanised trees. When they come for avenge on their fallen brothers, tattooed with the language of the humans, those trees are going to be cranky. We could die. I’m just sayin’.
6. BACK STRAIN
This is mildly less life-threatening then the others, I admit! But if you’ve ever tried to carry 57380 library books or school books or text books (those things are printed in pages of stone, I’m sure) then you KNOW that back strain is no myth.
7. BRAINCELLS EXPLODING DUE TO FEELS OR CLIFFHANGERS OR PLOT TWISTS, OR OTHER SUCH BOOKISH TORTURE
Never let anyone convince you the threat is not real for this one. IT IS. IT CAN HAPPEN. And authors aren’t exactly kind when it comes to the all-too-popular torture of cliffhangers. They want to see us reduced to snivelling messes. And plot twists? Epic, incredible, intricately woven plot twists?!! They can cause sheer combustion.
8. TOO MUCH KNOWLEDGE = GARGANTUAN AMOUNTS OF ANGUISH
When one reads a lot of books, it become so hard to socialise with mere mortals. They just don’t know things like bookworms do. They don’t understand the references! They don’t see how that speck of sand relates to your favourite ship! THEY DON’T PAUSE TO R.I.P A DEAD CHARACTER ON THEIR DEATHLY ANNIVERSARY. This equates in bookworms a) losing braincells, b) losing hair, c) losing sanity and d) needing so much more chocolate than the rest of the world.
9. BEING SUPER POOR AND HAVING TO LIVE IN A CARDBOARD BOX BECAUSE ALL THE BOOKS HAVE TAKEN OVER YOUR HOUSE AND THEREFORE YOU DIE OF HYPOTHERMIA.
I’m sure this has happened before. I’m absolutely positive. (And if not, that’s kind of disappointing because this is a totally creative demise.) But books are super expensive. Sure $12 isn’t much to spend for the first book, but have you heard of SERIES?! Plus books take up so much space. It’s very easy to relinquish control of your room. Next, the whole house goes and you’re lying in the cold outside — dying.
10. THE FACT THAT YOUR FINGERPRINTS ARE ALL OVER THE BOOKS, SO, IF YOU HAPPEN TO MURDER SOMEONE, YOU’LL HAVE TO BURN YOUR BOOKS OR BE EASILY CONVICTED AND THIS IS NOT A FUN CHOICE, OKAY?! NOT AT ALL.
I’m covering all bases here, okay, peoples? If you love books, career options can dramatically decrease! So much evidence. And would we burn books? UM, HOW ABOUT NO.
So is being a bookworm worth the risk? It’s hard to say. You can laugh about these still occupational hazards now, but when you get squished by your ginormous TBR, don’t say I didn’t warn you.