Some people think bookworms are pathetic for having their eyeballs glued to a paperback all day long.
This is of course nonsense. Because (A) it could be a hardcover or even a kindle that our eyeballs are glued to, so don’t be so narrow minded; and (B) it’s not even ALL DAY. We take snack breaks.
However there is one part I won’t deny: we bookworms are kind of pathetic. But just hold your polkadot unicorn slippers for a second, because the only reason we are pathetic is because our books themselves are just so so so so much more #fabulous than us. I don’t even know how we manage to remain standing in the presence of books, to be honest. They rule at life. We are mere gnarly onions.
Let’s just face it: books are more successful at life than you.
And in case you’re shaking your head and muttering, “This is absolutely ridiculous, Cait” then I remind you that you’re on my blog SO WHAT ELSE DO YOU EXPECT and also hush my child. I have a list of 10 reasons to back up my theory.
1. THEY DRESS MUCH MUCH NICER THAN YOU DO.
There is really no argument you can possibly give to deny me this fact. And I know many of you like putting on nice clothes and maybe even use a brush more than once a moon. * But can you please just look at a book cover and tell me if you EVER LOOKED AS FABULOUS AS THAT?? I think not.
And they just go and look flawless without even trying. It’s disgusting really. I mean, sometimes I want to look nice so I change my jeans to another pair of identical jeans and then go back to reading on my bed. Also, I quit.
* This is obviously not me.
2. THEY’VE ALREADY TRAVELLED THE WORLD.
Some of us DO travel. I’ve travelled! When I was sixteen, I went to China for 3 weeks and once tried to lift my TBR and fell over and plunged 8,000 leagues under the sea to where the darkest monsters reign.
And yet books FLOOD themselves across world faster than you can pull up your unicorn knee-high socks. I just pre-ordered Our Dark Duet from Book Depository, so it has frolicked across Britain and the seven seas and here am I…probably crossing my backyard once in that time.
3. THEY’RE NOT AFRAID TO CUT THEIR ENEMIES.
Not that we should truly aspire to be violent, I suppose? But let’s talk metaphorically here, because there comes times in our lives when we really ought to stand up for what we believe in. And if we’re short, we might even need to stand on a chair for what we believe in. And that’s kind of sort of super hard sometimes.
But do books flinch when someone displeases them? NO.
PAPER CUTS FOR THE INFIDELS.
4. THEY’VE MET YOUR FAVOURITE AUTHOR.
Probably because they were written by your favourite author. This might seem like an unfair advantage, but who told you life was fair, hmm??
Least to say, books are WINNING in the category of hobnobbing with famous people and you are not.
5. THEY’RE BETTER COMPANY THAN YOU ARE.
If you present us with a “would you rather” game and the three options are:
(1) battle intergalactic lettuce amongst supernovas
(2) make small talk with a human you don’t know very well and who stands far toooooooo close to you
(3) read a book
Don’t even come at me with silly pretences that you aren’t justing option #3. I SEE YOU. I KNOW. Books > everything else.
6. THEY’RE THE REASON THE WORLD IS STILL SPINNING.
Look it’s a truth universally acknowledged that the apocalypse is coming. I mean, it better be coming because I’ve been hoarding chocolate chips for like TWELVE YEARS NOW and I don’t want to be disappointed. Bring it, zombies. And what with the political climate of nonsense at the moment and the world dropping bombs and people trying to insist that cake is not a food group — the world has MANY reasons to quit on us.
Yet it doesn’t. Why?
And if you don’t believe me, try taking every book of ever off planet earth and just SEE what happens. *
* And your chances of doing this are NIL because I’ve hidden books where you will never ever find them. HA!
7. THEY DON’T FORGET WHAT THEY WERE ABOUT TO SAY.
Books know what they want to say and they SAY IT. * We aren’t going to accuse you and I of this, obviously, because didn’t you just open up your laptop to answer that important email and now you’re reading my blog?? Hmm??? And didn’t you just wander into the kitchen and forget what you were about to say to your fellow inmate so you decided to eat a small stack of pancakes instead? Hmmm????
* Unless they are a kindle and the formatting is wonky. Like hello, I am the person who tried to read an eARC from Netgalley that blanked out every word with the letter “i” in it, so I will concede that some books need help.
8. THEY HAVE A RICH RANGE OF UNDENIABLE TALENTS.
Books can do SO MANY THINGS. And not just be read! For instance, books are talented at:
- being arranged in beautiful displays
- being perfect gifts
- breaking hearts
- doubling as a pointy cornered weapon
- making you taller when you stand on them
- saving your seat
- being a security blanket
- being used as a disguise so you can walk through town unaccosted even though maybe you just robbed that bakery of all its cinnamon scrolls
- protecting you from zombies
- protecting you from small talk
- making shopping trips more pleasant because you can buy more of them
- being used as a door stopper, especially if they’re epic fantasy bricks
- cookbooks are, obviously, the key to life
- being used to build walls to stop zombies entering your room
- make a book igloo from them and live there happily
- teach people who to read and use words like snozzcumber and marshwiggle and supercalifragilisticexpialidocious in a sentence
- be your friend
- inspire you
- remind you that you haven’t eaten apple cake in a while
- cover your floor like a helpful sea
- double as a hat on sunny days
And I could go on and on but I shall restrain myself most admirably. And you? What exactly can YOU do?
I mean, I’m sure you have nice small talents and they’re precious. Like books don’t know how to put on matching socks or play the flute. Oh wait, what did you say…? You don’t either?
I rest my case.
9. THEY’RE SMARTER THAN YOU.
Because they knew how to use snozzcumber * in a sentence WAY before you did. And some books can wax eloquent about ships or astronomy or engines or the politics or brain surgery or how apples are harvested. Books have infinite knowledge on SO many topics. They are marvellous little buckets of intelligence.
And of course you and I are somewhat smart. We have our areas of expertise and most of us even know the correct way to eat a boiled egg. **
But in comparison to books? HAH HAHAH HAHAHAH hahahahaha.
* It’s from Roald Dahl’s The BFG you uncultured swine.
** Obviously you boil it in a pot with a couple of rocks and while you’re waiting for the egg to be soft, you eat a few rocks. And then when the egg is ready, you pop it in your mouth and swallow whole to get all the nutrients from the shell out. The lump in our throat is nothing to worry about. Also going blue and passing out? It’s fine. Don’t be weak.
10. KNOW HOW TO CONNECT PEOPLE LIKE A PRO.
I admit! Being a bookworm does NOT equal socially awkward. But I bet a fair few of us feel that way on occasion. Like every 3rd minute. And I’m sure there are many of us who think, “Oh that is a cool human and I like that human and I really ought to communicate with that human” but instead we probably go eat a boiled egg the wrong way and forget how to feet and it all gets monstrously awkward.
But books? Books are SO successful at life that they never hesitate to make friends with a complete stranger. And they bring people together! Do you like The Raven Boys? OH WELL, HI, I LIKE THE RAVEN BOYS TOO. LET’S BE INSTANT FRIENDS. Books build communities and all they do is tell a 300pg story.
I mean beat that.
alright, give me your verdict after listing to my compelling argument: are books more successful at life than we mere measly bookworms?!? also ADD TO THE LIST! what are other things books excel at that we don’t???