If you think the bookworm life is just collecting rows of aesthetically pleasing colourful novels and petting them happily — THINK AGAIN.
Reading is a wonderful, magical even. But we need to talk about collecting these beastly little bookish creatures. Because one of the truest joys of bookworms is building themselves a library to live in. We are like little dragons who collect piles of gold to sit on and then roast anyone who tries to touch them. * Bless us. Bless our priorities. But dragons have it easy compared to the agonies a bookworm faces when collecting books. Hence I propose we all SHAPESHIFT into dragons immediately and live a happier life. **
Come closer, my fiendish pineapple frond, we need to talk openly and honestly about the fact that BOOK COLLECTING IS FRAUGHT WITH PERIL AND UNFORTUNATE CIRCUMSTANCES.
As a book-collecting survivor (it has been 3 days since a book last tried to destroy my life) I am here to tell the REAL story about book collecting difficulties.
* Nobody can deny the reality of #BOOKDRAGONS, amirite?
** This post isn’t even about dragons?! IT’S ABOUT BOOKS I PROMISE. I don’t even know how I get to keep the title “book blogger” because I swear I spend more time discussing cake and dragons. But who’s complaining? I see no complainers.
1. THE NOTORIOUS EVIL OF GLOSSY COVERS.
If you’re obsessed with #bookstagram (spoiler: it me) then you will understand the SEVERE disenchantment of glossy and shiny covers. There is just no way this side of Noah’s flood that you can take a satisfying photo of a book when the cover is shining so brightly BECAUSE IT WANTS TO BLIND YOU FOR ALL ETERNITY.
I demand a swift and efficient ban on all GLOSSY COVERS effective immediately and any publisher who desists: fight me.
2. COVER CHANGES MID-SERIES.
There are probably only 0.4% of bookworms who don’t care about their series matching. The rest of us, however, will be more wrathful than those grapes John Steinbeck wrote about that one time. * And I KNOW, we all talk about cover-changes-mid-series a lot but someone’s gotta preach it, sister, and it might as well be me because I like yelling about things on the internet apparently. Look at my blog name: Paper FURY. Let no one say you weren’t warned.
The biggest issue with mid-series-cover-changes is the fact that I DON’T HAVE MONEY. I can’t just go rebuy a whole series so it matches. And maybe I don’t even want to??? Maybe I liked the original covers?? Maybe I don’t want to simply because I don’t like being told what to do. I have rights.
* Full disclaimer: I have not read this book but I assume it’s about a very angry fruitsalad. Also “The Grapes of Wrath” is totally the kind of title I’d use. My next book, by the way, is officially “The Pineapple of Malcontent”. I’ll be famous for this.
3. THE TRAUMA OF DIFFERENT SPINE HEIGHTS.
Actual conversation that happened:
Me: I like collecting hardcovers that can sit in gorgeous neat little pleasing rows.
Hardcovers: lol no
Publishers: lol no
BUT WHYYYYY. Why have so many sizes?! Paperbacks do this too, of course. But do you know much easier my shelves would stack if books were all the same height? Do you realise how many MORE BOOKS I COULD THEN BUY because I could fit them in my shelves?? Do you realise my Organised Soul is actually trembling and twitching right now and will need to sit down in a cool dark room to regroup and instigate coping strategies????
Also The Raven Boys is showing a bit of naked spine in this photo. Sheesh who is the photographer here. Learn how to cover up your subjects and be modest, seriously.
4. PHOTOGRAPHING EBOOKS IS LIKE BARGAINING WITH PURE EVIL.
Because either (A) it’s unfocused or (B) the light is wrong or (C) the screen goes dark JUST as you take the photo or (D) it’s blurry because ebooks just have bad attitudes due to their format not allowing petting like physical books are used to.
BUT IT’S HARD TO BE ON BOOKSTAGRAM AND HAVE EBOOKS. And my use of the word “hard” translates to “entirely disagreeably impossible you little ebooks of nonsense and general jerkishness.”
Also, Pro Cheater’s Tip: if you take photos of your empty kindle/iPod/iPad/tablet screen and just photoshop the covers on later using the layers in pixlr you will SAVE YOUR OWN LIFE. The colours will also be better. #yourewelcome (Let me know if anyone wants a detailed tutorial on this.)
5. ARCS THAT WEIGH MORE THAN THE USS ENTERPRISE ON STAR TREK
What are they made out of?!? And is this just an Australian thing? BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW. But you could blindfold me and me a book and ask “is this an ARC?” and I’d know instantly because if it was an ARC I’d be ON THE FLOOR STRUGGLING TO LIFT THE BRUTE.
I’m suspicious that they’re actually carved in stone using ink of their author’s black hearts coupled with the manic evil laughter of whoever formats books. #legit
And we won’t even get to the fact that the pages are different colours too. Get some sun, you little vampires.
6. PAPERBACKS WITH SPINES THAT DON’T LOVE YOU.
I like to have a good opinion of my own self worth (because I am awesome) but when these darn paperbacks waltz into my life and say “LOL NO” when I try to open them — I get shaken. Do I (A) force this little beast open so I can read the actual words but then break the spine? or (B) do I have the book open half a crack to try and avoid damage of the spine since my self-worth is already being damaged by this book refusing to OPEN UP TO ME AND BE MY FRIEND. #ExistentialCrisis
7. POINTY HARDCOVER CORNERS THAT WANT BLOOD
I love hardcovers. I do. I will happily always choose a hardcover (despite the fact it also makes me broke) because hardcovers are strong independent young books that don’t need no man. Bless them.
But have you tried curling up with a cup of tea and a hardcover?? BECAUSE IT’S IMPOSSIBLE. Those corners just want to gouge out an eye. I look at a hardcover and I see beauty and also the potential for death-by-stabbing. What made them so vicious??? Did they not receive enough affection in the printing press??? Did someone insult them when they were merely an unbound mound of paper? I don’t know. But my life is at risk.
8. STICKERS PRINTED ONTO BOOK COVERS
This is not only UGLY it’s just downright unfair to the book. For instance, I’m currently reading Holding Up the Universe by Jennifer Niven, who is incredibly famous for her book All the Bright Places. Like so so famous that Holding Up the Universe has a whacking big stacker on it (PRINTED ON SO THERE IS NO REMOVING IT) to say “hello, I am the second child and my older sibling has done marvellous things and I’m sitting here doomed to fail in their shadow”. I mean, really. This poor wee book.
9. NASTY FANCY FONTS
Don’t you love when you’re reading along quite happily and then — BOOM — one character writes a letter to another. And hello incredibly swirly horrible eye-destroying font. This is a no-go, Susan. A NO-GO.
I’m pretty sure Sauron is behind this because he wants all the bookworms’ eyeballs to turn into bloodshot burning calamities like his own.
10. NOT ENOUGH SPACE TO STACK ALL THESE DARN BUT BEAUTIFUL BOOKS.
At first it’s a small to-be-read pile on your side table….then a bookshelf. THEN TWENTY FOUR BOOKSHELVES. And next thing you know you’ve politely asked your family to move out of their rooms so you can fill them with books and you also are living in a small cardboard box in the back yard because you have books where your bed used to be.
And no no, you can’t solve this problem with ebooks. Because what about the apocalypse, okay?!?? NO BATTERIES IS A THING THAT IS COMING. You need to stockpile physical books before the zombies come. *
But it doesn’t change the fact that collecting is DOWNRIGHT PERILOUS TO EVERYONE! AND EVERYTHING! AND HELP! What if my TBR falls on me? What if books block my door? (Wait…this is not a problem.) What if I get a paper cut and bleed out?
And am I going to do something about it?
You can bet that’s a solid nope, my fiends. I will keep collecting and suffering and being a true survivor (and whining about it to be honest) because this book dragon will not be conquered by a paperback. AVAST YE, I AM HERE TO COLLECT ALL THE
SOULS ** BOOKS.
* Plus the double as weapons. And disguises! Just put a book in front of your head and walk past a group of zombies and they’ll never know to stop you. #win)
** That was a total typo…I … I don’t know what happened.