Horror books and I are just not working out together.
Truth is we didn’t really try to make the relationship work. But pfft, who’s getting caught up on the details?? * THE FACT IS: I came, I read like one book, and then flittered off to conquer a planet or devour a nation or rearrange my bookshelves or something.
I should probably feel bad for not giving horror a proper go. But…eh, no. I have SKEPTICISMS. In fact, I have a whole list of reasons why I barely ever read horror books. Because why say something briefly when I can ramble ON AND ON about it with a dozen footnotes and tangents about devil cake **??
I’m linking up with Top Ten Tuesday for their “Halloween/horror/scary” themed prompt. And, fair warning: I don’t do Halloween BECAUSE I AM AUSTRALIAN AND IT IS NOT FALL HERE DANGIT. This is not to say that Australia doesn’t do Halloween. They try. But not me. They decorate the shops with overpriced, imported pumpkins (because it ain’t seasonal, folks) try to convince us to buy weird costumes like zombie bride outfits for four-year-olds and extra chocolates. Firstly, #NO to the first, but yet #YES to the second.
I just think it’s silly. We’re not having Autumn/Fall so why would we celebrate a fall-themed holiday? SHEESH. *** If I wanted to get in touch with my ghost/evil/demon side, then I’d dog-ear my own book pages, because if THAT’S not a horror story that will turn me into a monster, I don’t know what is.
* Obviously not me, because I must write these posts to make myself look PRACTICALLY PERFECT IN EVERY WAY. Did you see a failing in me? Oh get your eyesight checked, dear. The queen is flawless 89% of the time. The remaining 11% is for snack breaks and quick naps.
** HELLO I’M TALKING ABOUT HORROR. So we have to choose an evil cake. And devil cake looks freaking delicious and I want a piece ASAP and will sell your soul to get me some. Not my soul, obviously. I like to delegate things like that. #QUEEN
*** I’d apologise for raining on any Halloween-loving Australian’s parade, BUT I’M NOT SORRY BECAUSE IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE, GOOD SIR. I mean, the chocolate makes sense. But still. No one needs a holiday as an excuse to buy chocolate. Buy it now. Buy it always. Live your dreams and build a castle out of it. CAN I HEAR AN AMEN???
1. I HAVE THE IMAGINATION OF A STUNTED GNAT.
This is, of course, assuming gnats don’t have imaginations. I apologise in advance for promoting vicious stereotypes to gnats if it is not true. BUT MOVING TOWARD THE REAL ISSUE: I bet you are sitting there shaking your head and saying, “Cait. You’re a writer. It’s kind of in the JOB DESCRIPTION to have an imagination.”
I hear you. And I have a very specific imagination for things like: dialogue and story plots and types of nicely engraved knives good for stabbing or cake cutting. Ask me to tell you what the characters’s faces look like? I WILL SAY I DON’T KNOW. Ask me to describe a fictional house, family, cliff, cat, wardrobe, inside of a pizza oven, pirate ship, coffee shop, or dish of delicious Persian food — AND I WILL SAY I’VE GOT NOTHING, BRO.
Ergo, if you pass me a horror book that’s describing in great detail a creepy house, my brain just goes, “Okay, cool: BLANK.”
This is not scary. I can’t imagine it, so it’s not freaking me out.
2. WHERE IS THE COMMON SENSE???
Because who the heck buys a creepy house, moves in, watches doors slam and the air get chill and floorboards creak and the kitchen sink incinerator turn on and CHEW UP PEOPLE’S APPENDAGES and doesn’t think “It’s haunted. Let’s move to Tuscany instead.” WHY DON’T PEOPLE THINK THIS THROUGH???????????
Don’t play with children who stare at you creepily. Don’t move into a creepy house. Don’t go to a boarding school in an old asylum. Don’t buy old items from antique stores that are definitely cursed. Don’t play with ouija boards. Don’t kiss frogs. Don’t annoy your neighbour who is clearly a vampire. Don’t don’t don’t don’t do anything that’s written on the list of “HORROR CLICHES”.
Why have people in these situations NEVER SEEN A HORROR MOVIE/BOOK?? Because here I am, rolling my eyes at the inevitable. Use google, you idiot characters.
3. WELL, I’VE ONLY READ LIKE 3 HORRORS.
And they didn’t impress me. Ergo I haven’t sought out anymore because I have a small attention span. And is it just me or does YA not really put forth many horrors??
Which leads me to…
4. MY BEADY LITTLE EYEBALLS DON’T SEE YA HORRORS LURKING ABOUT.
I unashamedly read mostly hyped books and new books. So if I don’t see a dozen bloggers shouting about a glorious YA horror they’ve found — I JUST DON’T KNOW IT EXISTS. I mean, I could google for recommendations. But shhh, stop being so reasonable.
It’s possible horror is a very small niche genre too, so publishers don’t publish much of it? I’m just guessing randomly here, folks. I know nothing. But it’s my duty in life to provide a blog that (A) gives you useless * facts about cake ** and (B) spouts nonsense likes it’s pure fact and then says “I AM RIGHT” when I literally have no clue.
* EXCEPT CAKE FACTS ARE NOT USELESS!! They are crucial to becoming a better person!!
** For instance: did you know traditionally, cakes were used as offerings to powerful and higher deities? Hence I am the Cake Queen and you keep giving me cake because it’s in your historical roots to worship me and do so.
5. IT DOESN’T EVEN SCARE ME. LIKE AT ALL.
I like books with a bit of gore and creepiness and bugs exploding out of your liver and your eyeballs melting and all that fun stuff — because who doesn’t?!? * But IT DOESN’T ACTUALLY SCARE ME. I’ve never felt genuinely terrified by a book.
HOWEVER: I do feel terrified by real life frequently. In fact, all the time. Everyone is a potential serial killer and the house is going to fall on me. #AnxietyProblems
* Ahh. Sane people maybe?
6. CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE GHOSTS’ FEELINGS NOW???
I am notorious for having a soft spot for precious tragic cinnamon rolls WHO ALSO WANT TO CUT YOUR HEART OUT but are possibly just under-loved and need warm pretzels and calming classical music.
Sure that ghost is trying to gut you…but maybe he wants to be friends??? And has anyone thought of offering that demon a nice cupcake? Can we give the creeptastic house a coat of yellow paint? #HAPPYVIBES
I just think we should consider everyone’s FEELINGS here.
7. THE COVERS ARE OFFENSIVE TO MY GOOD TASTE.
The real horror story are these dull covers:
I’m not inspired to pick this up, peoples, not at all.
8. WHAT EVEN COUNTS AS HORROR??
Paranormal aspects don’t send shivers down my spine in books because it’s not real. You want to know some REAL terrors that horror books should be about???
- phone conversations
- your neighbours partying at 3am when you want to sleep
- the last piece of cake being gone
- bookmail arriving damaged
- responsibilities of, like, any kind
- dropping your toast jam side down
- your favourite book ending on a cliffhanger with no sequel in the works
- christmas gatherings
- plucking eyebrows
- THE INTERNET NOT WORKING
9. NOT ENOUGH FOOD.
I guess getting scared out of your pink fluffy socks is supposed to make you not think about food? But, seriously, who wants to read a book where no one is eating??? I’m hungry just thinking about it.
Demon attacks + snack breaks = a great book and I’d read that!
10. I’D RATHER WATCH IT THAN READ IT.
Which is a phrase I thought my bookworm soul would NEVER SAY. But there you go. I have fallen. This is one of the very slim and few times that I would rather watch, for instance, the Winchester brothers stabbing things in the face and getting covered in blood than I would reading about it. I get creeped out watching things ALL THE TIME. Ever seen Stranger Things?? Hahhahha. Yeah please send me a fluffy blanket and protect me for I’m delicate and traumatised. And I love being creeped out watching things! Although I’ve never tried hardcore horror because I might not be terrified but I WILL overthink it which equals the same result of never sleeping again.
But who even wants to sleep??? You can sleep WHEN YOU’RE DEAD. *