I confess, I kind of have low standards.
For books, I mean. My standards are quite high for other things, * like the quality of music or movies or art or the kind of pirate ships I like or laptop brands or sisters (they actually failed to reach my standards so I’m selling them all on etsy). But for books? I JUST WANT TO READ THEM ALL AND IT’S A CURSE BASICALLY. This is proven by the fact I have 1,326 novels on my to-read list on Goodreads. #helpme
But I do have a vague picking-what-I-want-to-read system. Otherwise I’d just be dead under a pile of unread books.
So today I’m listing 10 reasons I’ll decide to read a book and they’re all definitely sensible and logical. No doubt. That’s why you come to read this blog I’M SURE. And ah no, “reading blurbs” doesn’t come into this at all. Who reads blurbs? What is that nonsense? I am QUEEN OF ALL and don’t have time for reading silly little blurbs. **
* My standards are also insufferably low when it comes to cake. I JUST MUST EAT THE CAKE. My parental made one the other day that she deemed a flop. But did I eat it? Yes. Because cake.
** I’ve been called Slightly Delusional before but I’m sure that was a mistake.
1. IT’S DOWNRIGHT GORGEOUS.
Oh STAHP. You know you cover judge too!! And I have exactly zero shame for cover judging because I’m on #bookstagram * and do I want to take photos of ugly books with terrible fonts?? No. Don’t be absurd. I need precious art on book covers. And I will absolutely pick up a book just because it’s pretty.
Actual Conversation While Trying To Decide What Book To Buy
Me: This is pretty.
Brain: But what about the words? Why don’t you look it up on Goodreads? What are the bloggers saying? What’s the writing style like? Is it in your favourite genre? Do you like that author?
Me: It’s soooooooo pretty.
Brain: THINK THIS THROUGH.
Brain: You might not even like it!!
Me: You’re right.
Me: We’ll get it.
This backfires only 89% of the time. But at least I still get a pretty book out of it??? Shelves don’t grow healthily overcrowded and start screaming in pain without help you know! I AM HERE TO HELP.
* AND I JUST HIT 20,000-FOLLOWERS AND KIND OF CAN’T BELIEVE IT.
2. IT WAS FORETOLD IN THE ANCIENT GREEK PROPHECIES THAT I WOULD READ IT.
What? That sounds legit. If I was in Camp Half Blood NO DOUBT my quest and prophecy would be “go to the library and read all the books”. So I’m just saying. The stars have aligned, the universe decress, the dragons have nodded, my bookshelf has given the stamp of approval. My dog even says yes. So I’m reading it.
3. I HAVE BEEN THREATENED THAT IF I DON’T READ IT I WILL BE DESTROYED AT DAWN.
I’d like to say “YOUR THREATS WON’T WORK I FEAR NOTHING, YOU FIENDS” but that is not true at all and I have hastily run towards a book to escape blogging friends reaching through their computer screens and across the globe and beating me to death with a tricorne hat.
I’LL READ IT THEN, YOU VIOLENT FROND. (And I actually really like recommendations from my friendly local book bloggers, so keep ’em coming.)
But in all fairness this is how I generally recommend books too.
Why politely inquire if someone would like to read a book when you can duct tape them to a chair and hurl the book at them repeatedly??? #BookwormLogic
4. IT’S MY FAVOURITE GENRE.
Because I’m very easily persuaded by genres I know I’ll love. Like if you say “HEY LOOK AT THIS NEAT CONTEMPORARY” I will possibly pause and consider and maybe read the blurb and possibly consult the kraken lords of the ancient darkness and then consult my 5-year timeline to see if I can squeeze it in.
However. Just say “HEY LOOK THERE’S THIS NEAT FANTASY” and I’m there. Absolutely 1000000% there. I’ve probably stolen a camel and bravely swam nine seas with only a pocketful of cake crumbs to sustain me because NAUGHT CANNOT KEEP ME AWAY FROM FANTASY NOVELS.
5. IT’S BY AN AUTHOR I ALREADY LOVE.
Am I a stalker? Why yes. Yes I am. I’m basically like an adorable little wraith of the darkness that just lurks over the internet waiting for authors to announce their next book. And then — BOOM — I’m all over Goodreads and howling until release day. I like authors I can trust, okay?! I like to know I’m in for an excellent read.
6. IT CONTAINS ONE OF MY MANY BOOKISH WEAKNESSES.
And, dude, I have so many. You wave any of these in front of my eyeballs and you’ve got me. I’ll even trade you cake for a book that contains any of these AND THAT’S SAYING SOMETHING BECAUSE I LOVE CAKE.
- Families, especially evil families.
- Dragons, especially shapeshifting dragons.
- Stabtastic stabby plots.
- If it includes assassins, wars, knives, other general pointy objects of doom.
- Anything set in a bakery because obviously I have priorities.
- Books about books BECAUSE HOW CAN THAT GO WRONG?!
- Obscure retellings, particularly diverse ones because the world needs these.
- Fantasy that focuses on characters with disabilities or mental illnesses.
- Maggie Stiefvater books. Yes this is a category, hush now.
- Non-human characters with I-want-to-feel-all-the-things complexes.
- SERIOUSLY ALL THE PIRATE BOOKS. WHY AREN’T THERE MORE.
- Royal children who go missing all the time and honestly need playpens.
- MAGIC POWERS OF DARK AWESOME.
- I think I mentioned cake a few times already??? It’s hard to say.
7. I’VE BEEN SENT IT FOR REVIEW.
Which is actually a reason I pick up a LOT of books that I probably wouldn’t have tried otherwise! Sometimes being inundated with unsolicited ARCs is actually terrifying. (Especially when I got sent a very PINK book with a picture of LIPS AND LIPSTICK on the front with the tagline about beauty and sex and I was just like…unless someone is being stabbed here, noooooooo.) BUT USUALLY I GET SENT THE RIGHT KIND OF BOOKS! And I basically read everything I’m sent. Plus I don’t have to make decisions. It’s there. I read. Nice.
8. I’M INTERESTED IN LEARNING MORE ABOUT THE TOPIC.
I get super obsessed with topics. It’s like I just must learn EVERYTHING ABOUT IT OF EVER. So often I’ll pick up a book exclusively because it’s dealing with my current Topic Interest. And this fits in with writing too, because #RESEARCH. Anyway, currently it’s pirates of the seven seas. This is an honest interest and there’s nothing to be worried about here.
9. IT HAS AN INTERESTING PITCH.
Like I said, I don’t read blurbs. Blurbs are often (A) boring, (B) actually accidentally spoil the whole book, or (C) I just can’t bring myself to read like a 200-word blurb because who has time for that??? #QueenOfTheLazy But PITCHES on the other hand?? I am all over those. Sell me a book in a sentence, with hopefully a juicy comparison, like “it’s the child of Six of Crows and Pirates of the Caribbean IN SPACE” and you know what? Here I am. Sign me up.
Also someone write that.
10. EVERYONE ELSE IS READING IT AND I’M A PEER-PRESSURED KUMQUAT.
I actually just like to say the word kumquat because it’s very satisfying. BUT ALSO MOVING FORWARD — I really really like to know what everyone is flailing about. I get very curious, okay??? I just want to read it if you’re reading it too.
If a book is hyped — I’m probably already gnawing on the pages like a little book mite.
This backfires like ALL THE TIME but when does that stop me? NEVER. As I famously like to say: why make a mistake once when you can do it a dozen times until you’ve spontaneously combusted into a psychotic dragon that just laughs and eats people and has no idea what it’s doing with its life. *