Hi. I’m Australian.
I’m like 78% sure most of you knew that already because, well, THERE ARE CLUES. Like the fact I use “ou” when I spell colour, how I occasionally say “mate” instead of dude, promote Aussie books, spend all of December whingeing about summer, AND OH I CAN’T FORGET — am fuelled solely by the phenomenon that is vegemite which I sacrifice to the wallabies in my yard. Obviously. You all knew this.
But considering I’m also a book blogger, I thought it’d be handy to reveal some of the Aussie book bloggers’ deepest secrets. These are all 100% true and legit and trustworthy, as am I. And you can find any Aussie book blogger anywhere and THEY WILL CONFIRM. I’m just saying.
1. WE DO A LOT OF AUTOMATIC TRANSLATIONS.
There is no deny that a lot of book bloggers are American. Like a lot. And after a while we Aussies get tired of being asked IF WE SPELT THAT RIGHT (we did) or WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY CELSIUS (what did they teach you about temperatures in school) and WHY ARE YOU DOING YOUR BOOK MONTH WRAP UP A DAY EARLY (dude, have you heard of different hemispheres) and HOW COME YOU SPEAK ENGLISH IN AUSTRALIA (actual question I have been asked). So I just start translating ahead of time to avoid streams of tedious questions.
I even avoid talking about the weather because there’s only so many times I can mention there are TWO HEMISPHERE’S ON GOD’S GREEN EARTH before wanting to stab myself in the eye with a snag on the barbie after I have smoko in the arvo. *
My English friend read one of my books once and kept asking “Cait, is this actually a word?” when I’d say something like “Ute” or “bitumen”.
* NO I SHAN’T TRANSLATE THAT. GOOD LUCK FIGURING IT OUT.
2. IT’S HARD TO RECOMMEND AUSSIE BOOKS.
It is! It’s like the greatest disappointment of my life that I can flail and flail and FLAIL over glorious Aussie YA lit…but…most other countries can’t buy it???? They can’t FIND IT. Because Australia is not good at getting their books overseas. * And if you want to purchase something from Australia well, be prepared to sell an organ, because the Australian post office is literally an evil force out to ruin the lives of many.
So here I am, shoving Aussie books in your face, and all you can say is “That’s nice dear, never heard of it and can’t find it.”
Whyyyyy. My heart is BROKEN. See those little pieces of devastation and misfortune on the floor? THAT’S ME.
* I used to think this meant Aussie publishers were bad at promotion, but I think it’s actually a territory rights thing?? If they don’t sell the book overseas then it has to be exported and that’s expensive and doesn’t happen often? I DON’T KNOW. I’M ACTUALLY SURMISING HERE. I KNOW NOTHING, JON SNOW.
3. IF WE GET TOO TIRED, WE ACTUALLY HIRE KOALAS AND WALLABIES TO BLOG FOR US.
We don’t ride them to work, don’t be bizarre. But there’s no laws against enlisting a bit of help for maintaining our blogs. Plus, #diversity when the koala is typing. * I mean, it’s actually a ridiculous stereotype to assume all Aussies have koalas and wallabies in their backyards because most don’t because actually —
WAIT, EXCUSE ME, I JUST HAVE WALLABIES AND KOALAS IN MY BACK YARD AND I GOTTA GO ASK THEIR OPINION ON THIS BLOG POST.
They said my post was awesome, by the way.
Yes that’s my backyard. ** THAT’S MY BACKYARD!!!! I have a delightful view out of my window when I’m writing and my psychotic dog has a great view of all the wildlife he wants to KILL WITH HIS TEETH but I won’t let him because I’m mean.
Oh and it’s not a kangaroo. IT’S NOT A KANGAROO. IT’S NOT A KOALA BEAR EITHER.
* Now you know how I get so much done.
** The koala photo actually dates back to when my blog was Notebook Sisters, if you can see the watermark there. That’s because taking photos of them is DARN HARD and I can’t be bothered. Plus they come and go. I haven’t seen one in a few weeks. The last one tried to climb a pawpaw tree instead of a gumtree because apparently it was dumb and I think it got offended after it fell off. It hasn’t been back. Maybe because I laughed at it? I am a brute.
4. WE GET VERY VERY FURIOUS ABOUT SHIPPING.
Why do you think I called my blog Paper FURY???? It’s because of postage and shipping.
You think we’re a super laid back people who are totally chill and friendly and say “G’day mate” whilst lying on the back of a platypus in a pool. BUT NO. You even whisper the word “shipping” and you will have a line of Australian book bloggers ready to shout. Because it’s not fair, okay???
Actual Conversation Aussie Bloggers Have:
Book Merch: I am $30.
Aussies: Ooh, that is SUCH A COOL piece of book fandom merchandise!
Aussies: And affordable?! I can do this.
Book Merch: Also shipping is $93802953
Bank Account: *SCREAMING*
Book Merch: lol
5. WE ARE USED TO BE EXCLUDED FROM GIVEAWAYS AND BOOK EVENTS AND AUTHOR TOURS.
If I had a dollar for every time a giveaway was “US only” I would have enough money to buy Jupiter, rename it after myself, and build a nice house there too. I’M JUST SAYIN’, NO ONE CARES ABOUT INTERNATIONAL BOOKWORMS. (A lot of non-American bloggers will hear me with this one too.) And book events? Book expos? Author signings? HAHAHHAHA.
Actual Places Authors Go To Sign Books:
- everywhere in the USA
- Nice small European country
- Strange tiny island in the middle of nowhere
- Intergalactic space shuttle
- Not Australia no pfft why would you think they’d come here
6. COMPLAINING ABOUT COVERS IS A NICE HOBBY OF OURS.
For some bizarre reason, Australian books often have different covers to the US ones. Actually it’s like US vs AUS and UK. (We like to stick near our mother country in case she feeds us scones.) But half the time the UK/AUS covers are horrendous and absolutely break my HEART because I’m stuck with this ugly cover while the Americans get pretty ones AND hardcovers. Oh yes, did I mention that?? Australians basically never produce hardcovers. Ever. I’m dying over here.
And while we’re at it: LET’S CHANGE THE TITLES TOO! Because that’s not confusing at all.
And well, YES, some of this is just my personal taste and not the fact that I represent all Australians and their cover preferences here. But, I mean, most people agree with me. Purely because I have cake, but whatever.
7. WE RARELY SEE OURSELVES IN NON-AUSTRALIAN BOOKS.
It’s a sad fact! I have read like…two…books with Aussie characters by a non-Australians-authors…and it was basically awkward stereotypes because, no, we do not punctuate each sentence with “mate” just so you remember what country we’re from. MASSIVE FAIL.
We clearly end every sentence with “oi, vegemite.”
Australia is an awesome diverse and fabulous country and WE DESERVE TO BE IN THE BOOKS TOO. Especially fantasy ones. I’d sell my sister for more fantasy books with Aussie culture.
8. OUR WIFI IS FUELLED BY THE BLOOD OF THE GUMTREES.
Ask anyone you know who is Australian. They will confirm. And if they don’t confirm they obviously haven’t had their morning vegemite tea or something and they’re just being cranky and you should ignore them. Listen to me instead.
9. WE AUSSIE BOOK BLOGGERS HAVE STRANGE SENSES OF HUMOUR.
I mean, we don’t think we’re strange. But after I emerge myself in a lot of American and UK books (which I do because I really like them) and then bop back to an Aussie book…I do notice how weird we are. It’s beautiful. It’s amazing. We are pure creatures of bizarreness.
And if you want proof, you should watch Young Einstein which is basically Australian humour in a nutshell.
I don’t know what’s wrong with us either, to be honest. It is what it is.
10. WE ARE REQUIRED TO TELL MANY WILD WILD LIES OR ELSE THE DROP BEARS WILL KILL US.
Basically if you ask an Australian anything at all about any topic at all: we are required to tell you 3% truth and 97% not. Good luck figuring out which part of what we’re saying is real. It’s a requirement. By law. And Australians can actually look at you and smell the fact you’re not Australian and then this little red-flag comes up in our brain saying “DROP BEARS ARE WATCHING WITH BLOODTHIRSTY EYES, DON’T LET THIS LITTLE INTERNATIONAL TWERP KNOW TOO MUCH.”
So we just gotta tell you wild things.
Except for this post, of course, which is entirely full of truths because I’m here to PROTECT and BE NICE to you. I wouldn’t lead you astray.
Now excuse me, I have to go put vegemite around the doors to keep out the bunyips.
Also here are some of my favourite Aussie Bloggers you should follow immediately:
They will all confirm the truths of today’s post. (C’mon guys, please? Don’t let me drown here.)
Now before we go, let’s have a country roll call!
Because I’m curious. I’ve pulled the top countries from my stats and I apologise in advance to anyone who has to fit into “other”. YOU’RE STILL IMPORTANT TO ME. EVEN IF YOU ARE FROM JUPITER. (Or tell me where you’re from in the comments!)