Someday I will rule the world.
This is not a joke. Do I sound like I’m joking? No. No I do not, because I have it ALL planned out. The cogs are spinning, minions, my plans of completely mastermind and villainy are underway. And though this may sound scary at first, believe me, world domination by yours truly will improve your way of life.
I will prove it to you.
I have made a list.
10 Things Cait Will Do to Improve The World Once She has Dominated It
1. Mandatory try-before-you-buy fruit testing.
Eating fruit is a wonderful yet terrifying processes. Because sinking your teeth into a bad piece fruit is worse than consuming an ocean of Alice’s tears. Too-soft bananas? Floury apples? And (forgive me for even mentioning it) SQUASHED GRAPES? Ugh. There is nothing worse than the anticipation of awesome coming crashing down.
If you could taste all fruit before you bought it, this would eliminate “what if these grapes are squishy” and “what if this apple is soft and floury”. I run a risk, every time I reach for an apple, that it’ll taste like a worm died six generations ago inside.
2. Nerdy clothes will not be so dang expensive.
Everyone has to make a living, I appreciate that. I do. But seriously…$10 for a pair of denim shorts or $50 for a pair of denim shorts with a Marvel sticker on them? THAT IS UNFAIR. Plus nerds are usually poor (unless they’ve been recognised for their nerdiness and therefore are rich. Like Mark Zuckerburg). We should be putting money towards sardines and warm socks, but nooooo. If we want to show our true colours (like with a simple Avengers hoodie!) then we must starve for weeks and months.
3. Postage will make SENSE.
I don’t ask for much. Just a world where I don’t have to mortgage Mount Doom in order to post books for my giveaways. I would give away a lot of books if postage was cheaper. Believe me. Plus, with the rise of internet shopping (why helloooo never-leaving-my-house), why does postage continue rising?
4. Coffee shops will serve their drinks in awesome mugs.
Coffee shops are (well, in books and movies) where nerds in funny glasses go to read or work on their computers with atmosphere so they can secretly inhale coffee (that’s a Thing) while they work. It’s also for socialisation and perk-me-up-because-I-stayed-up-too-late-last-night-watching-all-the-seasons-of-Sherlock. Does this not scream I NEED MY DRINK IN A NERD CUP to you? It does to me. It should at least be an option.
5. Libraries will have barter systems.
Sometimes it’s really really hard to put books back in the library. I so completely fall in love with them. But sometimes I buy books that make me reconsider my stance on book burning. SOLUTION: Libraries should have swap-trading days. You could meet up with other book lovers and librarians and swap and trade your books. Every Saturday! (I’m flexible about the day.)
6. Movies would not take 63 million years to come out on DVD.
I get it! They want people to go to the cinema. But, failing fixing this, the cinema should NOT be so expensive. I could buy a BOOK for the price of a movie ticket. And I can keep the book forever! Does this not seem wrong to you?! (Spoiler: It seems wrong to me.)
7. Small talk would be outlawed.
I was talking about this with Lydia. I suppose it can be useful. But who really cares about the weather, okay? (Unless something magical has happened, like it truly is raining money. Then I want to know about it.) And those stupid questions of “where did you go to school in your wild and woolly youth” etc. and etc. Who cares? If it was in a book, I’d edit it out.
Instead, people could carry around small notebooks with their interests written on them. They could swap lists with people they meet and if it looks like a conversation would commence — go for it. No words wasted.
8. Free WiFi in the streets.
I’m surprised this isn’t a world-wide thing yet, as is. (At least, it’s not in Australia.) But there’s this teeny tiny town in the outback that I visited once, and it has FREE WiFi in the streets! There are less than 900 people living in that town, yet they have free WiFi?? WHY IS THIS NOT COMMON? It will be common once I rule.
9. Warp speed.
I really don’t need to expand on this. But I’m confused why no one’s inhabited more planets yet. Really. We could stumble across our very own Thors, but noooo. They’re not exploring that. Humans are too busy squabbling over who leads the country. And THAT would be sorted out, too, because (obviously) I will be ruling. No one will argue with that.
10. Authors and Artists would be on par with sports people.
As much as I hate and try to ignore the nightly news, I do know that there is a hefty segment dedicated to relaying the local sporty gossip. Which stupid footballer punched who. Who’s doing drugs. Who’s onto their 5th girl/boyfriend in a week. Who won what award/competition…and excuse me, I’ve shut down.
Authors and artists do ALL these things, too! (Except, I still don’t care who is going out or marrying who. Isn’t that private? I think it should be private.) Why don’t people report in nightly news who’s got a book deal? Which artist has a new display? What the critics are saying about the latest movie?
I WANT THIS VERY BADLY.
Obviously my plans are nefarious and infallible.
And I’m barely scratching the surface of things I will change for the better. There is most definitely more coming to a blog near you.
Until then, continue about your little lives which lack the marvellous improvements that I will (eventually) implant upon all. Go about your menial tasks. Go on.
And, because I’m a generous overlord, I WILL actually hear your petitions. So if you’re after any world-improvements, list ’em in the comments and I will have a minion peruse them. Most likely I will ignore you. (Because I’m the smartest.) But exceptions might be made.
Cait has been busy drawing up beautiful World Domination plans, as usual, today. But she’s also devoured the third book in the All the Wrong Questions series by Lemony Snicket. Evil is afoot there. She took notes. Apart from that, she has been beta-reading copiously for a friend and putting sticky-notes all over her walls.
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