We’re writers. It’s a known fact that writers are pretty mysterious creatures whose lives are the stuff of myths and legends. What do writers actually do? What do they think? It’s a great mystery.
So we’re here to debunk some of that mystery. Why? Well, we feel we should be honest with you, blogglings. Writers often say things that just aren’t true.
Except for us. We’re practically perfect in every way of course.
Oh, and just so you know, we make fun of things…buuut we’re totally nice people.
– people think i’m crazy and insane
CAIT: Don’t mistake “crazy” for having different interests. We call people “soccer crazy” and “music crazy” and “art crazy”…but yet when we say authors are “crazy” we actually mean straight-jackets-and-asylums-crazy. Whyyyy?!
MIME: The thing is, everyone’s crazy about something. And people are always going to think passionate people are weird, because passionate people are happy, and that makes them unusual.
CAIT: Plus most people don’t really think you’re anything. They just ignore you. Worm.
– i need coffee/tea to write
MIME: Tea is weird, coffee is worse. I kid you not, I drink neither.
CAIT: THAT’S IT. YOU’RE OUT OF THE HERD. I love coffee. I like the smell. I like the taste. I like it when it’s mixed with ice cream and given to me in large quantities. Can I write without it? Yes. It’s too distracting, anyway.
MIME: Yeah, and if you give a writer coffee, chances are you’ll have to tie them to the chair, anyway. Hyperactive writer? You don’t want that.
CAIT: Especially if you have a short attention span (like me). Coffee will NOT help.
MIME: And do you know how difficult it is to have a hot drink while you’re writing? Because if I actually get some writing done (shocker) chances are, I’ll forget about my drink.
– i never go outside and exercise
CAIT: Frankly, if this were 100% true…you’d be incredibly unhealthy. Isn’t that right, Mime?
MIME: There is nothing wrong with the Great Indoors. It’s a wonderful, safe place where you are extremely unlikely to get sunburn.
CAIT: That’s why I make you exercise, Mime. I have you fetch things for me all the time.
– i never go to bed/ need sleep
CAIT: Remember that time you stayed up all night writing, Mime?
MIME: Was that the time you bought me a pet pig with wings? And we ate a litre of ice cream each?
CAIT: Maybe you should have just stuck with the first example, because we could actually do that ice cream challenge…. BUT NO. It’s very hard to stay up all night writing! Why? Because it’s very hard to stay for 15 minutes writing.
MIME: Who has that kind of concentration?
– i read a lot
CAIT: Well, actually, I do.
CAIT: Get back witch. I’ve read 60 books this year. How many have YOU read?!
MIME: Yeah, but you haven’t been writing all this year, have you?
CAIT: You avoided my question.
MIME: So did you.
CAIT: Peasant. Well, it IS hard to find time to read if you’re writing. Balancing the two? Ha ha. Not likely. Well, except for me of course. I do everything and I do it all perfectly. I’m amazing.
MIME: Someone get the kryptonite.
– my book is full of symbolism
MIME: Here’s a fun fact. The best scenes, those ones that you adore? The author had no idea they were coming. Actually, that’s not true, because I’m not every author ever. But I think a lot of the time, inspiration is unexpected, and the reader always loves truly inspired writing best. It’s so much more emotional.
CAIT: Well, my books are full of symbolism, aren’t they Mime? There was the scene with the apple.
MIME: Yeah. It’s a symbol of your eternal hunger.
– i’m so proud of my poetic prose but my writing sucks
MIME: Writers are one of two things: extremely proud, or incredibly insecure.
CAIT: You’re insecure.
MIME: And you’re incredibly proud?
CAIT: Why, yes, dear, but you’re getting off topic. A lot of time when we writers ask for opinions on our work, we phrase it like this: “Oh can you read my piece of writing that I’m so proud of?! Please…I know it sucks and is unedited…buuut, read it anyway?”
MIME: Oooh, don’t mind me, I’m just fishing for compliments….
CAIT: Half the time we HAVE edited it. We DO think it’s awesome. We just want you to agree. Because we’re insecuuuuuuure. Don’t know what for! Turning heads when you walk through the —
– my characters/books are like my children
CAIT: If this were true, we’d be calling the police. YOU ARE LIABLE FOR MURDER OF YOUR BABIES, YOU ANIMAL.
MIME: Well, when you put it like that…
CAIT: Besides, I don’t think of my 50-year-old characters as “my children”. And also, how can you be in love with your characters and also have them as children? This is fundamentally wrong.
MIME: You’re in love with your characters? Aren’t most of them deranged killers?
CAIT: Shhh. My baby psychos will hear you.
– i have writers block
CAIT: Correction. You have procrastination.
MIME: It’s amazing how similar the two are. The moment the writing starts to not work, everything else is suddenly really important. But an answer to a lot of writer’s blocks? Sitting down and “skipping” ahead by writing really roughly where it doesn’t work until it smooths out a bit.
CAIT: She speaks truth. (Don’t let it get to your head, Mime.) But writer’s block is 90% internet and 10% actual block. But wait! I’m not saying writers block doesn’t exist. It does! It’s just we usually use it as a whiny phrase instead of knuckling down and blowing up some words.
– i love writing
CAIT: I hate writing.
MIME: But that is only mostly true. See, if you weren’t passionate about writing, you’d have given up a long time ago. It’s too much work for something with no reward.
CAIT: I was going to say money….
MIME: Unfortunately, we found out money isn’t a good reason to write.
CAIT: I hate writing.
MIME: But writing gives the writer a rush. I don’t know which part of the process. It’s different for everyone. There’s the feeling of words under your fingers, or having written, or having people enjoy your writing, or being remarkable simply because you write. Or the whole “Rise My Glorious Creation” thing.
CAIT: Aw, well, I guess writing is okay sometimes. But I don’t know any writers who LOVE writing all of the time. Most of us just hop around the Internet, clicking on GIFs and pretending that’s social networking.
MIME: Is that what you do with your time?
CAIT: Of course not.