Bookworms are peculiar little creatures. They’re very intelligent and sometimes intense and it’s kind of easy to accidentally OFFEND THEM SO BADLY THEY WISH TO BEHEAD YOU. So! Because I’m a nice person, I’ve written a list of ways to a) get a bookworm to like you, and b) keep them liking you if you are lucky enough to get their attention, and c) care and maintain them.
If you have a bookworm in your family, pay extra close attention to this list. Then go forth and act upon it.
- BUY THEM BOOKS. Many books, don’t bother being stingy. Are you serious about wanting to win their affections or not?
- AFFIRM YOUR BOOKWORM THAT ALL THEIR READING HAS DEFINITELY MADE THEM SMARTER. This will encourage them to read more and also make them pleased and greatly reduce the risk of them smacking you in the head with a hardback.
- ACCEPT THAT IT’S “BOOKSTORES AND LIBRARIES BEFORE FOOD AND CLOTHES”. Because bookworms have priorities. Books are food, after all.
- DON’T ASK THEM “WHAT ARE YOU READING” IF YOU DON’T CARE. It’s annoying, okay? And bookworms know if you don’t care. If you’re just interrupting their reading time with mindless questions like what are you reading — expect TO GET A PAPER CUT AND THEN HAVE THEM POUR LEMON JUICE ON IT. So, just don’t.
- ALTERNATELY, YOU COULD ASK THEM “IS THAT A GOOD BOOK”? Because this is an excellent questions and a lot of bookworms do like discussing their feelings on a book.
- BRING THEM SNACKS. Sometimes a book is so intense they forget to eat. Or, well, they might eat, but it will probably be chocolate for their emotions. SO. Cook them good dinners.
- COMFORT THEM WHILE THEY CRY OVER THE DEATH OF FICTIONAL CHARACTERS. And by “comfort” I mean, a) bring them chocolate, b) give them a mop, c) fill a bathtub with marshmallows so they can comfortably and safely drown their sorrows, or even d) buy them a small planet they can rule to cheer them up.
- MAKE SURE THEY HAVE ADEQUATE SHELF SPACE. This could mean building shelves. This could be standing with your arms out and being a shelf. Oh but, small note: if you’re building the shelves, please make sure they’re STRONG shelves or you’ll have to a) fix it, or b) die under 3498 hardback novels.
- GO TO LIBRARY SALES WITH THEM. You can be useful and stand guard over their pile OR carry their suitcase of newly found purchases.
- SUPPORT THEM WHEN THEY GO TO AUTHOR EVENTS. Also, it’d be nice if you took flashcards and wrote little prompts on them (like “remember your name is Bob!”) and then stand behind the author and wave these cards so the bookworm, who is overcome by feels at this point, will remember how to look semi-intelligent.
- MAKE SURE THEY HAVE A COMFY PLACE TO READ. If you want your bookworm to thrive, make sure they are comfortable. That’s all I can say.
- IT WOULD BE GOOD IF THIS “COMFY PLACE” WAS A HAMMOCK, OR BED, OR CHAIR, OR THRONE. Thrones aren’t always comfortable, so shop wisely.
- BUY THEM BOOKISH MERCHANDISE. It is always appropriate to have mugs that say “Shh I’m Reading” and tee-shirts that say “Book Dragon” and to live in houses that are sculpted like books.
- IF YOU ARE JUST TOTALLY INEPT AT UNDERSTANDING THEIR BOOK FANGIRLING, MAKE SURE THEY HAVE INTERNET ACCESS. Just accept that you have failings, okay? Make sure they have actual bookworm friends to debrief with and your bookworm will be so much happier.
- YOU SHOULD PROBABLY WORK OUT AND BE FIT. Because, as I said, you will be the packhorse for all book-buying excursions.
- IF YOU ARE TOO PUNY AND WEAK, THEN BUY THEM A KINDLE. This is the cheaters way out, but, well, one must do what they can do.
- BUY THEM BOOKS. Did I mention this?? Oh well. It needs be noted copiously. It is the way into a bookworm’s heart.
oh bookworms! did i miss any??? are there any other steps that are crucial in caring for a bookworm?? do your family/friends/local reptiles follow any steps on my list??