Just like types of cake, there are many types of book reviewers.
A fact we are all intensely thankful for because what if the universe was just stuck with coconut cake and no other??? People would be crying in the streets. Planets would fall. Empires would diminish. Small species of frogs would die out. Caits all over the world would turn to crime in their bereavement. IT’S JUST A REALLY GOOD THING THERE ARE MANY TYPES OF CAKE, OKAY??
And the same goes for book reviewers. *
It’s a really good thing there are many types of book reviewers out there because all the reviewing styles are awesome. There’s a style to suit everyone! So today I’m going to list 8 types of book reviewers and you can tell me which one(s) suit you. Also there SHALL BE A QUIZ because there aren’t enough quizzes on this blog, dangit, and someone ** needs to fix that because quizzes are so fun.
* Because FYI this post is actually about books and not cake even though I like to try and fool you otherwise. Okay fine. We aren’t fooling everyone. My blog is an ode to cake, thinly disguised with a layer of books.
** By “someone” I mean my dragon secretaries, not ME, because I’m very very busy these days. I have to do super important things like rearrange my bookshelves and throw glitter in my enemy’s eyes. But the secretaries are so slack??? They want pay raises??? Giving them celery instead of salary isn’t enough anymore???
OTHER POSTS YOU’LL LIKE BECAUSE I SAID YOU WOULD:
1. THE ALL SEEING EYEBALL
You’re a very intense reviewer because you like to get into the nitty gritty details and ANALYSE THE HECK OUT OF THEM. You find the plot holes, the typos, the grammar fails. You notice the subtle foreshadowing, the details, the references. YOU SEE EVERYTHING. You are like Sauron’s eyeball, probably just as bloodshot too, because you spend a lot of time on your reviews pointing out things no one else even thought to look for.
2. THE FLAMMABLE FEELS MASTER
Are you having an emotion over this book? HAHAHAHA. NO. YOU’RE HAVING 76 EMOTIONS AND YOU’RE ABOUT TO REVIEW THEM ALL. Your reviews are full of excitement or rage. You review in the moment instead of pausing to analyse everything. Your #1 question is “how did this make me feel?” when wildly typing up your review.
3. THE LIST LOVER
There’s NOTHING you like better than lists. Or lists inside of lists. And you literally don’t know how people can gather together their reviewing thoughts with a list or 2 or 900. Pros and Cons lists, or what-I-loved lists or here’s-my-thoughts lists, or grocery-lists-with-a-bit-of-a-review-thrown-in-the-side lists. THERE’S JUST SO MANY POSSIBILITIES. Plus your reviews are easy to read and totally catchy. #win
4. THE LORD OF THE GIF
Words? Why would you just WORD in your review when you could GIF. And even though your title is generally Lord of the Gif, you might be keen on all artistic formats for your reviews. Aesthetic collages. Playlists. Bookish photography. Character-interviews. If there’s a creative way to do your review — YOU’RE DOING IT.
It makes your visual heart very pleased to flail or rail about a book with different formats. And your reviews are exciting. Are you going to make book-themed-croissants or blow up the equator as a demonstration and experiment? Who can know. Everyone shall clicky-click your reviews, yes please.
5. THE PROCRASTINATING REVIEWER
It’s not that you dislike writing reviews…it’s just that you never seem to get around to it. #awkward And then maybe you don’t know what you THOUGHT. Or maybe you THOUGHT TOO MUCH. But either way the idea of trying to wrangle your opinion about a book onto page is most likely killing you. So. Procrastination? Just a little. Or a lot. 4 years isn’t that bad, stop being ridiculous.
6. THE RECAPPER
Your reviews consist of quite a lot of recapping the actual book, which is great for people who want to know aaaaall the details before diving in. You make sure people KNOW WHAT’S COMING and what this book is about. And because your reviews are more talking on what the book’s about instead of only just your thoughts, you give pretty unbiased reviews. YOU LITTLE GENIUS.
7. THE PERSUADER
You are THE POWER WIZARD because you can persuade your readers so easily. Is it mind control??? Is it pure fabulousness?? WE DON’T KNOW. But you only need type up your review and — BOOM — half the world is nodding and agreeing with you. #wizardry
This is very helpful for getting everyone to read your favourite books. Seriously how many have you sold now??? A bookstore should hire you. You could probably persuade a watermelon to read a book on white water rafting. You’ve got mad skills, friend.
8. THE MINI WORD CUPCAKER
You never have a lot to say about a book so you end up writing these little mini reviews, kind of like mini cupcakes (which are delicious by the way), because wut r werds. Reviews are hard okay???? If you’ve got out a two paragraphs, then you’re practically awarding yourself with a holiday to the Bahamas.
Plus there are SO many positives about short ‘n’ sweet reviews. Starting with how you don’t have to spend 27 hours per day on it and including how you’re just fast and efficient.
Time to see if my analysis skills HOLD TRUE! If the quiz doesn’t show up below, there’s a link here.
And shhh, be kind to my smol delicate soul. I haven’t made a quiz in a while and I’m rusty. Fingers crossed that it works?!