Today I sat on my floor, making Instagram stories and procrastinating the huge task of rearranging my entire room.
Look, when you’ve got 600+ books the thought of moving them all makes you internally scream yourself into the 12th dimension.
“so why were you rearranging your room, c.g.?” you ask cautiously. “are you procrastinating writing your book again.”
I mean YES. That is a call out and a slight attack but not wrong. But I had dual reasons this time. I’m blogging a little differently today, because I want to talk about…
Sensory Processing Disorder
It’s actually something (a) tons of people have, and (b) they often don’t have a word for it. And, as a bookworm and writer, I totally believe in the empowerment of words and the use of language to better understand yourself. And I also am just mega salty today because this disorder sucketh greatly and I am going to whinge to you, my fave captive audience. (gET AWAY from that exit button. Pretend you are captive🤗)
Also like it’s PRETTY OBVIOUS. This is a book blog, I am a bookworm who often spells their name backwards, and I’m noooot a doctor. This isn’t a diagnostic analysis of SPD. It’s just my personal experiences. Consider yourself disclaimed by this disclaimer.
➢ who usually has Sensory Processing Disorder? (SPD)
It’s really common for neurodiverse people to have this. So like if you have ADHD, autism, anxiety, depression…etc. etc. Autistics (like meeee) are extremely well known for their sensory aversions. Most autistics in media are shown visibly stimming (hand flapping; spinning; rocking etc) and while not all of us stim like that — it’s still a self-soothing mechanism we retreat to because of sensory overload.
I’m a high functioning autistic in most aspects. But when it comes to SPD…matey mate, I am not doing very well at all. It’s not fun to admit. But I often say I’m having a “hard time” and don’t clarify. This contributes a LOT to my low points.
➢ having SPD means you can’t filter or regulate your senses
Everything is the same level of loudness. A bright light is like an exploding solar system. Food textures are too intense. Weird fabrics on your skin hurt. It’s hard to focus on what someone is saying to you because there’s a dog barking all the way across the street and you can’t zone into words while your brain is also stuck listening to that barking.
Things that don’t bother other people can cause you physical pain. And then anxiety gets attached to it. Like there was this one time you didn’t sleep for WEEKS because of frogs croaking outside your window; now you have panic attacks at the thought of frogs.
And look SPD doesn’t make “sense”. Somedays you can handle things quite stolidly. Things that seem like they should trigger your SPD don’t even register at all. And if you can control something, it’s often not as bad. For instance: music triggers me to panic an incredible amount…but I can listen to music with headphones. I’ve analysed this a lot, because it seems so hypocritical. But see, I choose music with specific beats or styles + I can turn it off at any time + I generally am exercising while listening, so it’s the only thing I’m focusing on. Plus exercise actually helps brains process things better. (Ever paced around while you memorised something and it worked better? Same thing.😌)
and look everyone is different with this
Different levels of sensitivity. Different things set different people off. Different reactions are given.
Sounds are excruciatingly painful to me. While my autistic niece (the actual loudest person ever) can’t handle many fabric textures.
➢ What is happening?
Our senses are working 100 x overboard. They aren’t processing, decoding, compartmentalising, or toning things down.
We can’t just “ignore it” — it’s like having someone beat a hammer against and anvil. But the hammer is a ticking noise and the anvil IS YOUR POOR FRIKKIN’ HEAD. It can be such A Lot™ for us to handle, with ups and downs of anxiety making it worse.
People are there, eyebrows rising, saying, “Is she…crying…over a clock ticking?”
Yes, yes, she is crying over a clock ticking. Welcome to SPD.
This was a long long way to wind to the explanation of *why* I was rearranging my room, wasn’t it?
Here’s the thing: outside my bedroom wall is a dripping gutter. It tap-tap-taps in a way that is excruciating to me and makes me panic. I can’t sleep. It triggers panic attacks. It’s not constant, so some nights are fine and others are sheer hell. I hesitated in trying this swap of moving my bed to a different wall because I can here this minuscular dripping all over my room. But I had to try SOMETHING. Or else I was going to bit the gutter off my roof with my teeth.
(My family said “do not do that c.g.” so they’re fun.)
remember those two books I wrote? A Thousand Perfect Notes and The Boy Who Steals Houses?
I have massive nods to SPD in both of them! For ATPN, it was actually unintentional. Beck has anxiety (not autism) but his whole performance chapter was an ode to an SPD meltdown.
Sam from TBWSH wasn’t named autistic on page but shhh shhh he totally is. (“Nah he isn’t autistic!” said a silly young writer named MEEEEE while three of my beta readers gave me the 🤨 look and said, “uh yes he is.” Lmao. I’m dying. You were all right.) He sensory seeks the entire book but in That Chapter when he goes to a party…the sensory overwhelm is intense. Moxie basically has to pet him and hold his hand. Get yourself A MOXIE. 🙌🏻
So I spent today hauling books — neglecting my overdue library books and chapters I needed to write. But I did it. And my fingers are crossed that it might help.
I don’t talk a lot about autism or my personal life here…like I’m SHY. And oddly reserved for being on the internet so much.
But I like to occasionally break habits and talk about things like this because (1) it helps others not feel alone and (2) it’s good to walk in other’s shoes and experience differences. So I wanted to share!
I don’t want anyone to feel bad for me or see this as a clingy “WOE IS MEEE” post. This is me, being a bit raw and unfiltered. I’ve been struggling to come up with blog content recently so maybe I’ll do more of this. WhO KNOWS.
All I know is that having a sensory processing disorder isn’t about being irrational or selfish or dramatic. It’s real and it’s painful and we’re just doing our best to live comfortable lives where we can function and cope. 💛
| what about you? |
i know posts like these can sometimes be hard to comment on but dO NOT FEAR!! i like to chat 🤗 tell me if you have SPD experiences? or if you write things you struggle with into your books?
Cait, I know I already thanked you for sharing on Instagram, but thank you for sharing it again on your blog. Your experiences are so important to share. I definitely struggle to open up about my experiences, especially the painful ones, online and in person. But you have inspired me to do a little more of that.
SPD can suck so badly. I really struggle with processing different sounds at once, like listening to what someone’s saying at the same time as literally anything else happens in the background.
But for me the Actual Worst Sound is any alarms at any point. I hate alarms so much.
A dripping gutter must be horrid. My bedroom ceiling started leaking for one night and I was kept awake by both the sound itself and the overwhelming anxiety about like what if my ceiling just comes down and crushes me. Having to deal with the sound for so long must be horrible. I’m not surprised you moved stuff around.
I swear, so many of my main characters just accidentally end up being autistic. Half the time I don’t even think about it until a while in, then I just stop and realise I did it again. Sam in that part of TBWSH was so painful and I also related entirely too much to so much of it. Sam in generally was both painful and relatable though, so what can you do?
I…genuinely don’t know if I’ve ever written a character who didn’t at least have anxiety. SPD tends to turn up a lot too.
Point of View character, I mean. I don’t think I’ve ever written a point of view character who didn’t have anxiety.
Dude you are spelling out my name here. I couldn’t go to restaurants for three years as a kid because I couldn’t swallow a bite because I once had an accident and my body associated those two things. I can’t work in an office and not be completely drained because oh god the noise. When people talk in a room where I’m trying to work, if I spend at least an hour in that environment, I feel like I’ve been hit in the face with at least a couple slaps. My face throbs from the noise. And I can’t work with music in the background. Nobody ever understands this. But it’s so bad.
And I also have my “beloved objects” that soothe me that I can pick at. Otherwise I’ll tear holes in my clothes, or worse – my actual skin. On the face no less. Anxiety sucks. Funnily enough, the fidget cube I got isn’t as great as a lot of random shit like broken pieces of clothes or soft little things xD it’s really weird.
There was this one concert I went to as well, after a long time not going out, and I swear it was like Beck’s paragraph right there. It sucked. And how weird it is that everything just seems to get louder when it’s like that. And it’s like everyone’s looking at you, even though you know they’re not.
You’re right – I didn’t have a word for it.
Sucks about that gutter 🙁 I hope the move helps! I normally sleep better in my own home and don’t mind the sounds, but I can totally get this because I basically don’t even sleep if I’m not home. I guess it’s like with music for you with headphones – familiar environment, everything is fine – but if I have to sleep somewhere else it’s a nightmare. And I function at like 10% if I don’t sleep, so it’s pretty bad. I actually had a HUGE problem with this before I figured out I can use ear plugs. Now I can actually sleep in the weirdest places, and I also wear ear plugs to relax during the day when I’m having anxiety. It MASSIVELY helps, even though my ear starts hurting after a while, but it’s STILL worth it. In fact, I don’t leave the house without them anymore. That silence. I know sleeping every night with eat plugs would suck, but have you tried it when it’s particularly bad? Might help. They can be really uncomfortable though, but if you get the soft kind it’s a little better.
I saw this on Instagram, but I’m so happy you decided to share it here as well! I love what you said about giving people the word for what they might be experiencing because that’s what happened to me. I’ve always been super sensitive to noises and textures, but I’ve mostly been able to manage it. At home my biggest issue is the fact that my room is directly on top of the washing machine/dryer. If it’s ever on when I want to go to sleep it starts causing major anxiety and I need to make sure it’s turned off, otherwise I can’t relax or fall asleep until it’s off. There have been a few times where it had to be on at really late hours and I just didn’t sleep! Yay!
But this year I’ve been in an apartment while I’ve been at college, and I had so many seemingly irrational breakdowns over my roommates having lots of loud friends over and other things that didn’t mesh well with my SPD that I was given a diagnosis. But people still don’t understand that it’s not something that I can control or get over, and that this is something that at best I can manage. I’m really happy to see you discussing it because awareness is always so important in generating understanding! Thank you for sharing!
Thank you for this post! I’m one of those who didn’t know this thing has a name. Reading what you shared makes so much sense to me, even tho as you said the whole thing overall doesn’t make sense.
I have/had a thing with noises. I was going to therapy because of my anxiety and cuz i couldn’t sleep. I sort of felt like it got out of hand. Any little noise would send me into spending hours in the middle of the night sitting wide awake, and it’s got to the point where i couldn’t even get to sleep cuz i kept thinking there will be a noise soon and it will wake me up… Thankfully as my anxiety lessened, this thing is also bothering me less and less, but i still feel the need of reminding the BF almost every single night to not make sounds when i go to bed. I can’t even imagine how it is when someone has this happening all the time with that intensity 🙁
You are doing a great service for others who might suffer from these kinds of things. Having characters who suffer in this way will help others to understand it more. Do what you need to do for you, and let the rest of it go. Thanks for sharing your world with us. And eat a whole cake when you’re done moving all those books!
Cait, thank you so much for always being so open and honest about your experiences. They are so important to share and you are such an inspiration. I hope you understand how much your sharing means to people who experience similar things and those who don’t. You are truly an amazing person.
I love that you shared this, Cait! I have anxiety like none other and struggle with depression and dyslexia, and I never knew what to call SPD??? I don’t have panic attacks at specific noises or anything, but I can be extremely sensitive to certain loud noises (especially when my husband is putting dishes away, it just feels like he does it so super extra loudly), and it makes me almost physically flinch, like someone is about to slap me every time I hear the noise. I can’t handle loud music all the time, unless it’s music that I’ve chosen (so I feel you so hard on that), but even then sometimes it gets overwhelming and I can just turn it off. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one.
I don’t have SPD, but I have most definitely written personal things into my books. The first book I ever completed I made my main character experience my worst fear. (Aren’t I great??? 😛 ) That was a difficult process because it was a weird paradox of writing it well since it’s my greatest fear, but it also heightened my fear. So that’s great 😛 The things we do for writing. The book I’m currently working on also contains some things I struggle with. My main character is very much a control freak and does not wear her emotions on her sleeve and has so much trouble trusting people. I am a control freak and I don’t trust people to do things correctly so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I think writing our own struggles into our books helps them become more relatable to the readers though. So, it might be hard, but in the long run, I think the book ends up being better quality.
I hope reorganizing your bedroom helps you get some sleep! And I would love to see more posts like this! (Only if you want to, of course.) I don’t think I have SPD, but I do tend to write anxiety disorders into my fiction a lot recently 🙂 I never used to do it, and then I wrote one character with anxiety, and now so many of my characters tend to end up with anxiety or anxiety-related things XD It can feel really therapeutic though, honestly? So I’m not complaining?
Keep this up, little one.
Oh my God, this post made me insanely happy and heard and I might have experienced some palm sweating in the process of nodding my head in agreement and flinching at other things because I RELATE. Do you know what I mean? Anyways. I just had a really bad episode a month or so ago, where it was LITERAL WEEKS of feeling in That Way and just drowning in anxiety. And being unable to do standard things like listen to music or watch something (inability to listen to music in most was is especially hellacious for me because I usually depend on it above all else but when these things strike me down I can’t bare it) was the number one casualty. It was so bad, I literally cried over a pencil. A. PENCIL. So, like, ugh.
Getting off track. My initial comment point was going to be about how I wish there had been book blogging when I was younger because posts like this are so important. For years I never understood why I had reactions like I did to sounds (me explaining it often got ignored because my school was always like, yes, well, Jessica’s focusing issues and her reactions to certain things are out of a place of laziness or something COMPLETELY unrelated because I–no joke, this is something that was actually used against me–could focus on a book for prolonged periods of time and had the capability to excel in band) and other misc. things.
But really it all stemmed from the place of anxiety and depression, a fact that I didn’t even come to figure out until a couple of years ago when I was in my early twenties, and I DON’T KNOW, I just really appreciate this post??? Like, a lot??? And I can’t really bring it to words in a comment without writing a seventeen page essay about it. Basically, thank you, I appreciate you and how us bloggers are able to relate/talk to each other in this way, etc etc.
Cait, thank you so so much for writing this post and being vulnerable and sharing this. I’m not autistic but I do have anxiety and have the exact same problem with sounds. I had no idea there was a name for it because everybody always says I just need to ignore it/am being too easily annoyed. For instance, sometimes my classmates click their pen on and off over and over again during class, and it fills me with this UNDYING RAGE and AGONY and I literally can’t focus on anything else. It’s infuriating and so hard to cope with. I’ve heard it called misophonia? But I have problems with food textures and how clothes feel and stuff of that nature too. That gutter sounds absolutely maddening and I can completely relate to wanting to bite it off with your teeth – it made me laugh because of how spot on that phrase is. Gosh, I wish there were an easy way to deal with it because it’s so hard. Headphones are a lifesaver. Thank you so much for sharing about it. You certainly aren’t alone, and I sure hope moving your bed helps!!
Cait, your sharing about this means a lot. I think it made many of your readers feel less alone.
Also, I’m just kind of mulling over some thoughts this provoked right now. I wonder why anxiety and autism have such overlapping symptoms.
As always, your writing is amazing.
Lol, there are so many ways to procrastinate about writing… I have sensory processing problems with sound too – everything is too loud (although living with slightly-older than usual parents who always have the TV turned up doesn’t help…) I also get really bad earworms; songs stuck in my head for months, and I mean months. And then you feel so weird because no-one else understands what the problem is – like, they can forget a tune as soon as it’s over. It does make me feel really panicky when I can’t concentrate on writing because of a certain song or even just an advert jingle.
So thank you for sharing! It’s such a relief to know I’m not the only one like this 🙂 I did put a lot of my anxieties and ‘strange’ habits into the main female character in my book, Addicted to Love; Lexi has a fear of eating in public, to the point it makes her gag, and she also touches and rubs her neck a lot (don’t know why I do that, but hey!)
When I was 16, I wrote a 64,000 word story in four months. It will most likely never see the light of day on account of the fact that I cannot edit it properly. Though I didn’t realise it at the time, I was working through A LOT of the problems I’d had at school through writing it. It’s an intensely personal story.
My characters tend to have lots of friends, because I’m bad at making friends.
My characters tend to be bullied or ditched by their friends, which is a problem I had at school.
My heroines tend to be self-destructive – all of them – whether I plan them to be or not, which is…concerning.
My heroines also tend to be uninterested in dating, because when I was a teenager (and still, if I’m being honest – my feelings are… complicated) I had absolutely no interest, The insistence that I must fancy ANY boy I mentioned, and people saying things like, “oh, she won’t be interested in this in a year – it’ll all be about boys,” drove me up the wall. I hate, hate, hated the implication that my hobbies and interests would be swallowed up the second some guy came on the scene. (My friend pointed this one out after reading through a couple of things for me.)
So yeah, I write things that I struggle with into my stories, or sprinkle them with little bits of wish fulfillment. It’s not usually a conscious choice. I only realise later, when I go back.
Thank you for sharing the experiences you have that shape your characters. It’s a brave thing to do online (or ever).
Thank you for explaining what this is and how it feels!! My 8 year old son was just recently diagnosed with ADHD and is on the Autism spectrum (high functioning) in the area of understanding social cues and emotion. He has always had some sensitivities to certain food textures, bright lights, and loud sounds as well. He’s only 8 so I had a hard time understanding what he was describing to me. He also has a tendency towards anxiety as well thanks to my and his father’s side of the family.
We’re just coming to terms with his diagnosis and how we can help him. I believe the first step is trying to understand how these things make him feel. The fact that he won’t eat a banana (or any fruit) that has the slightest bruise or soft spot makes so much more sense now! I appreciate your honesty and willingness to share how this affects your life. And girl, I GET you on the shy thing. 😉 I can relate. Books are my friends too. Keep on keeping on!
Thank you so much for this post! SPD is an issue that doesn’t get enough attention in my opinion. I struggle with it so much. It isn’t much represented in books and other media, and many people in general daily life don’t really understand. A leaking gutter would be so annoying to me too. I can’t stand ticking clocks. Sound is the most difficult for me. I hear everything really loud.
Since a few years I have specialised earplugs, with them I am able to do a bit more. Whenever I leave the house, ie. to go into town, visit family, go for a walk with my dog, etc., I wear my earplugs. They cost a bit of money but they are life savers for me. They filter out sounds that are further away (because my brain can’t). I also have special sleep ear plugs, which help me with sleeping. Before, I’d get awakened early from birds in the garden, and it was hard getting to sleep hearing the birds in the evening (particularly in spring and summer).
Rooms in which there is more than one conversation going on, that is so difficult to me. I hear words of several different conversations going on, and the person way in the back of the room sounds just as loud as the person who’s next to me talking with me. Certain sounds really upset me. I hate the sound of an alarm, so I almost always wake up before it goes off, that’s how much I hate waking up from my alarm. The sounds at the dentist are the worst, so I always wear my earplugs there. The dentist is one of my biggest fears, I am super sensitive in my mouth and with my ears. It’s super hard to deal with all those sensations and the uncertainties. Usually after a dentist visit, I reward myself by buying books.
I’m sensitive to touch as well, labels in clothes can annoy me, but the worst is sewing lines in socks. They annoy me so much and I must wear the socks so-and-so, in order for the sewing line not to annoy me. I have bought books and refused to wear them because I kept feeling the sewing line. I can’t stand certain materials, and will never buy clothes with those materials (I don’t know their names though, I just feel it in the shop).
I already said I’m sensitive in my mouth. When I was a kid I didn’t like many things food-wise and drinks-wise. That has much improved since then (and I became overweight because of several medications I took and take). Nowadays I almost always drink water. When I was a kid I wouldn’t drink anything except grape juice. Then when I was a teenager it was orange juice and nothing else. Then one day I got the stomach flu and the only thing my stomach could bear, was water. Since then I actually like water (I didn’t like it before then!), and now I almost always drink water. Food-wise there are plenty of things I don’t like. I can’t stand most fish, I can’t stand anything with bones in it. I can’t stand cartilege in my food, or fatty bits on meat. There are many things I don’t like to eat. Sometimes though, eating something I love to eat, is very nice and helps me feel better, it is good input. For example I love pizza. Baking something can be so nice too (I’m loving all your procrastibaking shares on InstaGram stories).
I’m light sensitive too. If it’s too bright or too sunny outside, I much prefer to wear my hat. I don’t like sunglasses, it makes everything look so differently coloured and I can never get used to it. I prefer not to spend much time outside, there is a lot of input there. My parents sometimes made me go outside as a kid while I much preferred to stay inside and read.
Smells can be difficult for me too. I hate the smell of cigarette smoke. I can’t stand it when someone wears a lot of perfume. There are many smells I don’t like, but gladly there are also smells I really like. I like using shower gel in the shower with a smell I like.
The shower or a bath is one of the few things I can do, that give me energy rather than take it away. Most things cost me energy. Some things do give me joy, of course. But there are very few things that can give me energy rather than take it away. The shower is one of those things. I usually shower once every 2 days, but if I am really tired, sometimes I shower every day. It just helps me feel better, like it washes all the bad input away off of me, or something.
I struggle with SPD every day. On almost all of my days, I am tired before it is the end of the day. I have more time in the day than I have energy, if that makes sense. I can’t even read all day, that is just too tiring. Reading costs me a bit of energy too, but it is much easier for me to read a book, than to watch a movie. I would love to watch more movies and TV shows and listen to music more often, but I can’t because I don’t have the energy. It’s one of the many reasons that draws me to reading. Reading isn’t as tiring for me. Though it really does depend on what book I read. When I’m tired, I can’t read anything too complicated, and I’ve found that classics are really really hard for me to read, so I hardly read them. Instead I love reading a variety of genres, but most of the books I read are published after I was born. I just find modern language to flow much easier in my brain. Contemporary fiction is one of my favourite genres, YA contemporaries in particular. I love reading YA contemporaries with some kind of good (diverse) representation of something. I also love other genres though!
Books and reading, is really my special interest I think. I love my books. I really wish we saw more SPD representation in books. The few books I’ve read, that have that, I feel so seen. I’ve read quite a few books with autistic characters, but often SPD is not mentioned much, and most of those books have been written by people who don’t seem to have autism (and so are not Own Voices). I’m really excited to read The Boy Who Steals Houses and am thinking of saving it for my holiday in October. I loved A Thousand Perfect Notes.
SPD is related to my anxiety too.
A few days ago, I was at the market buying T-shirts, and the seller from the stall asked me if I liked to go to parties. I felt I couldn’t very well explain my SPD in a minute so instead I told him it depended on what kind of party.
It amazes me how other people are not bothered by all these sounds and inputs that come our way all the time. According to what I’ve read, a human brain received about 11+ million input signals per second, or something like that. Is it any wonder that we struggle so? It amazes me many other people don’t struggle, and I have to admit that on occasion I am jaleous of those who don’t struggle with SPD. I get so tired all the time.
I can only do 1 thing per day, and for bigger events I need a day before, and some days after, to rest. So say we visit family, or I go to town (ie. to the market or shopping or something), then I need a few days of not-so-much-input (ie. not going out), to recover from it.
I struggle to keep up with social media, as even that is input for me and I often feel like I’m missing certain social rules. It puzzles me how many other people keep up to date with everything without feeling overloaded. I get sensory overload so easily.
But, input can also bring me joy (books, good food, spending time with loved ones, my pets, nice smells, etc). And having too little input (not that that happens often), is also uncomfortable. My thoughts just keep going and sometimes that really tires me out.
I would love to be less tired, but it’s also so difficult as I get sensory overload easily and I do love to do certain things. There are so few things that don’t tire me. I struggle with my energy level all the time.
Anyway, thank you so much for writing about SPD. This is an issue that needs to be heard and seen. I want to see so much more of it in books.
I saw on InstaGram the drainpipe solution unfortunately didn’t work :(. I’m really sad for you, sounds like that can drive me up the wall too. Big hugs. I don’t know anyone in my physical / real life who struggles with SPD. Yet it is so important to me. Gladly my direct family is understanding.
Well, I should get going. I have an appointment with my support worker / therapist soon. I wish you all the best with the rainpipe situation. I love your blog and your IG and Twitter. I love ATPN and I am super excited for TBWSH. When I have read it and if I like it, and I’m quite sure I will love it, I will let you know by sending you a positive message.
Have a nice day :)!
Thanks for sharing this, Cait. This post was an eye opener for me because I’ve never really met anyone with SPD (maybe I have but didn’t know?) It must be incredibly difficult and I am so sorry that you have to go through that!
I have anxiety and about a year ago the sound of the television used to make me literally PANIC and cry and one thing that helped was the cold marble floor of the bathroom, with the door closed, so that I was as far from the noise as possible.
I hope changing your room arrangement can help deal with the noise from that gutter. I also hope that writing about your characters’ experiences was therapeutic (was it? I should try that sometime) Have you talked to your parents about calling maintenance to get that gutter fixed? I’m firing off suggestions idk. Question: how do you feel about/react to white noise? Any kind. I have a classmate who puts on headphones and plays white noise because otherwise the noises of the fridge and overall other random noises in the night made her unable to sleep
THANK YOU for sharing this post Cait. It’s incredibly difficult to share even a tiny bit of your vulnerable side.
Respect! X
Aww you’re lovely Deeja!! And these overwhelm experiences are definitely NOT fun, and I feel for you having that panic attack with the TV noise too. I so relate. It can get that bad and lots of people don’t understand. But for those of us who go through it *shares cakes and consolatory feels* 💛💛 And yes I do have a white noise app! It helps sometime but I crave quiet so bad because my brain is always like on FIRE with noise and swirling thoughts. It’s a lot and I just want a break sometimes.😂😂
*GOBBLES up the cake* awww i get that! lpts of hugs. brains are weird sometimes.
Oh gods, so much this. I’m sound and touch sensitive. The misophonia is serious. Certain types of sounds can absolutely enrage me. Yet others can near instantly tranquilise me. (The opening to both House, MD and Star Trek: Discovery do this. Nails tapping, food chewing noises, and sharp, high-pitched sounds produce the former, as does crowd chatter) I can no longer wear socks and closed shoes, or full gloves because of touch sensitivity. Sadly, the older I get, the more pronounced the condition has grown. It sucks. There are things I avoid now, that I’d once enjoyed.
Have you read either Too Loud, Too Bright, Too Fast, Too Tight or The Highly Sensitive Person. I’d recommend both to anyone wishing to understand the condition, either to better understand themselves or to understand a loved one. Or even a co-worker. It’s been my experience that the majority of sufferers are somewhere along the introvert scale, usually moderate to extreme introverts.
yesss I only just learned the word misophonia and ugh ME. So much me. I have so many triggers it’s really hard somedays and finding relief is hard ahhh. But yes I agree with it getting worse as I get older too? Like I don’t know if tolerance is just lower due to a build up, or anxiety is higher as I’m older so the sensitivities are higher too. SIGH.
But omg I haven’t heard of that but I WANT to read it very much now.
It’s my understanding that the miso/euphonia are related to brain changes. And that SPD is typical for preemies. I was 2 1/2 months early. I’ve found that if I get stuck in a situation where my anxiety starts to rise, that taking a breathe and starting a mental litany of things I’m thankful for (no matter how silly), it will short circuit the anxiety Cascade. Kept me from panic attacks when trapped in crowds.
The Too Loud book is def a great resource!
Thank you for writing this, Cait! I don’t know much about SPD so I’m glad I know more about it now. I think it’s really important to share our experiences, so thank you for being so brave and sharing this with us!
When my anxiety was really bad, I also used to struggle with light and sometimes sound too. Thankfully my anxiety is better now though!
Aw thanks for reading, Kyra!! And caring 😍 Truly that just makes me so happy and I think everyone having empathy for each other in the world is really important. (I’m really glad you’re on top of your anxiety too!!)
I feel this post so deep in my soul 😭 My SPD is mostly related to sound, lights, and smell and it can make me feel weird when it comes to books because I actually hate the smell of books. I can’t read with a book really close to my face because the smell of the glue makes my stomach turn so badly, and I can’t have books with deckled edges because I hate the feel of them, and the slightest sound can really distract me. I have tried using earplugs to block out sounds, but I used to be able to listen to music while reading and it makes me a little sad that I can’t do that anymore 😕
So so relate to this too…and also how it can change? Like I used to PLAY music. Now I can barely handle it (although sometimes I think maybe I should try playing music again as a sort of self-therapy lolol sob because music just makes me panic so much). Do ebooks help you at all? I do relate though. Sometimes our passions can also really hurt us. 😭
Thanks for sharing your personal story. I think the more that people share their personal experiences, the more we all better understand one another.
Definitely agree!! And it’s just good to remind us all to be empathetic to each other (something I need to do more too 🤗)
I am one of the few lucky ducks who have not struggled with any health issues (other than a few allergies). I am 100% in awe of people who live in the same world I do, where I struggle with even normal life, yet they do it with one hand tied behind their back. It’s crazy how strong humans can be. I don’t say that because it sounds nice or anything, but I am genuinely amazed.
I have eMOTIONAL trauma (i.e. abandonment issues, an endangering amount of stubbornness, etc) and guess what I have in common with my characters. Take a wild guess. XD It’s inevitable, I suppose.
N’aww you’re the BEST and honestly empathy like this is incredibly helpful and important. Keep being your awesome self ok 😭💛 (Also putting our traumas into characters is great. So helpful of us. 🙃)
Yup, I talked to you about this on Instagram as well, and I totally have this, probably as a part of my anxiety disorder. I cannot stand sounds. And I really relate to what you said about choosing your music yourself. I love music, I listen to a lot of music, I go to lots of concerts and it’s all totally fine, but as soon as one of my family members start playing music that I have not chosen, it feels like someone’s chopping up my nerves with a blunt knife. I genuinely had to leave the house when my brother played his electric guitar because I was about to start crying from stess and anxiety. And one of the WORST things I know is the sound of people (usually my family while watching tv) rubbing their toes together which barely makes sense but it’s the worst. And I’m also always super distracted in conversations because sometimes my brain just like switches channel and picks up on a different conversation or sound. I’ve really struggled with how much anxiety sounds cause me the last few years, and my family thinks I’m just annoying and overly sensitive and it honestly made me feel super relieved that this is a thing with a name that other people also experience. So thank you for talking about it, I know it can be tough!
Oooh, feet noises trigger me too! Makes me feel very stabbity.
YES YES TO THE MUSIC THING. And my family do NOT get it. Why can I have a panic attack over their music, but I’m in my room, headphones on, sometimes listening to my own music? I wish I could explain the differences better 😭 But I guess it’s just impossible to *get* if you don’t have some level of SPD?
And starting to cry from just the anxiety of it = very much me too.
I’m glad I could talk about it and like we can all cry softly together a bit. 💛 It’s good to be reminded that we AREN’T trying to make people’s lives miserable with how sensitive we are. I just wish there was a use for this kind of superpower LOLllll *cries*
So, I can definitely relate to this! I think mine is connected pretty strongly to anxiety, but yeah very similar experiences. I have sort of gotten pretty good at tuning out children yelling (I guess to survive?) so oddly I can be FINE with that, but something seemingly more benign (like you were talking about the dog barking, holy crap yes) can make me feel like I need to rip off my own skin just to jump out of it. I had a neighbor in my old house who played music- not SO loud that one would call the cops, but loud enough that I could hear it through the walls- and it destroyed me. I didn’t sleep for so long, and I have an actual plethora of white noise machines because they are the ONLY way I ever sleep at all. Funnily, I am the opposite of you- headphone music is too hard for me, but I can listen to it at a reasonable volume. Human and animal sounds are biggies for me too- people breathing loudly or chewing or idk, existing I guess, sends me into a panic- I have had to excuse myself at dinners because I just… couldn’t. And it’s better to fake an illness than to yell at grandma, you know? Also agree about clothing (anything tight makes me a little panicky tbh, and don’t get me started on tags on underwear, what kind of monsters even!?) and food textures! The most random thing is, I can smell onions ANYWHERE. Like if someone ate onions, a restaurant is cooking them, etc, I can smell them and I have to try really hard to keep my cool because wow those are my kryptonite.
Anyway, I find organizing books cathartic, so I can definitely see that helping you! And it’s good that you have some techniques for when stuff like that is out of your control. Damn the gutters though!
I have a fan for white noise. I’ve also taken to falling asleep listening to audiobooks read by people with voices I find soothing. I have a Sherlock Holmes book read by Benedict Cumberbatch that’s soothing. Other voices that soothe are Mark Gatiss, David Tennant, and Rene Auberjonois. I forget the reader for the Mary Russel/ Sherlock Holmes stories but she’s soothing too. Recordings of thunderstorms and of ocean waves help me sleep too.
@Shannon: omg shannon, I relate to everything you’re saying too. You definitely sound like you experience a lot of SPD too.😭 It can be so tough right? Because people just don’t GET it. And it’s really quite common, especially for anxiety disorders too. Like all my tags are cut off, I only wear specific types of clothes that *feel* right and omgggg like sniffing and snoring noises? I want to yeet right out of my skin and off this planet too.
Let’s just rule the world and make it sensory safe ok? Good plan. 😌 Here for it.
(I get calmed doing bookstagram photos!! Books are AMAZING, inside and out afjaskld.)
Fingers crossed moving your bed helped! That has to be so frustrating.
I don’t think I nessecarily have SPD but if my stress levels build I am very senstive to noise and I itch all over when trying to sleep.
People often don’t notice how easily my son’s senses get overwhelmed at times because he gets loud instead of withdrawn.
It didn’t end up helping😭😂 But at least I tried, right?! And YES. Getting loud is a way to control it tbh. My niece just gets louder and louder the more overwhelmed she is and I’m just over here…dying. But trying to understand. 😂
Thank you so much, Cait, for sharing your experiences with us. I didn’t have that much idea about SPD but you cleared so many doubts. I know it’s not easy to share your experiences but you know, we all love you so much 🙂
I am sure many people would be able to share their experience after your post. You are amazing 🙂
I wonder what level of SPD I may have. I am not, to my knowledge, on the autism spectrum; but anxiety and depression are frequent brain companions of mine, and loved ones ‘n’ I believe I qualify as an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person).
Noise and crowds and light can all drive me to utter misery, especially if I was already tired to begin with. And then are times when my shirt collar may abruptly feel too tight, and my skin will insist there are hairs or spiderwebs everywhere, and breathing seems like more work than necessary, and turning anything at all into verbal words cannot happen until I’ve reached a certain level of calm-down. Sometimes rocking or humming helps a little. Sometimes I just crave a few minutes of SILENCE to reset myself.
So, yeah. Maybe SPD is very much what I have. Is that what’s to blame for how difficult/exhausting it can be, most times, to turn the noises humans are making at me into digestible language? Or is that a whole ‘nother brain condition I’ll have to learn about someday, lol-weep?
This was really interesting to read! I recently decided to embark on my solo journey to check something about myself, and I took a free test for (RAADS, if I not mistake) to check something and indeed… I scored. But I wans’t also able to answer some question because, best explenation I can give, it’s that I can’t see myself. So many things looks normal to me. It sads me that I will probably never get a real answer because right now I can’t get a proper diagnosis.
Anyway…this was interesting to read, because sometimes, as much as you research, you get lost in the internet and you can’t find such informations (at least, that’s me). I do have at least some kind of anxiety related to stress like tests and exams that send me in deep panic, as much as failing something (which send me in a darker spiral), plus somethingrelated to social interactions. And for sure I’ve also a form of depression. So… I think I’ll try to keep more attention to this and check if we got something in common.
Thnak you for this, it was really nice to read
So – and feel free to correct me if I’ve misunderstood – it’s like Sensory Overload, only it can happen any time, not just in the middle of a migraine, panic attack, etc.?
That sucks.
I’m a migraineur (posh-speak for someone who gets migraines) with Anxiety/Depression and I also have Synaesthesia (I taste words and sometimes see music – which is a form of neurodiversity since we’re wired a li’l differently) so I’m totally with you on just how painful Sensory Overload can be. In my first migraine attack, I wanted to smash my parents’ glass clock (that clock hates me,) but I didn’t because I’m clearly a selfless martyr 😉
I also have to have the brightness on my laptop turned waaaay down, cos I have high light-sensitivity, even when I’m not having a migraine (having a migraine it’s 1000 times worse though).
This post rocks socks, by the way. And I totally got the Anxiety-ness of A Thousand Perfect Notes – it’s spot-on!
I’m a bookwork with ADHD, and sometimes – especially before I started taking medication – the sound of an air filter or a voice in another room would make reading excruciating. I’m lucky that SPD moments are rare for me, but it was still amazing to read this post – thank you so much for sharing your experiences online! I hope you’re able to sleep well in your new room. <3
Thanks so much for writing this post, Cait! Before reading this I didn’t even know that SPD existed, so I’m glad you took the time and were brave enough to share your experiences. I really appreciate it 🙂
This post was super informative, Cait! I know some people who do have SPD, but they are non-communicative enough that I’ve never had a detailed description of what it was like. I think (?) I’ve experienced similar feelings before but not in the same magnitude as you described. It usually comes when I’m super tired and have run out of social battery.
This post was super helpful, and I bet it must’ve been hard to write. Thank you for opening up to us.