Recently there has been a few concerned citizens, mostly elves, inquiring about the justice of Rumpelstiltskin’s recent sentence of banishment. Today, LIVE, we have an interview between our lovely reporter, Lariise, our royal queen, and our convicted criminal, Rumpelstiltskin.
Lariise: Long life, Queen, and hello, Rumpelstiltskin.
Lariise: So, Rumpelstiltskin, you probably know about the inquiry into the justice of your sentence due to be carried out tomorrow. Can you tell us your feelings on the matter?
Rumpelstiltskin: I think it’s unjust, and the judge is biased.
Lariise: Please explain; what’s your half of the story?
Rumpelstiltskin: All of it?
Lariise: Yes, please. We all know Queen’s, but not yours.
Rumpelstiltskin: Alright then. My main charges are kidnapping, threatening a royal personage –vocally– and stealing jewels. No one listens to an elf in court. Who would?
Queen: I object! You were heard just as well as I was.
Rumpelstiltskin: I object to that. Continuing, anyway, us elves–
Queen: I believe you mean we elves.
Rumpelstiltskin (feigning surprise): Oh, I never knew you were an elf, too. As I was saying, us elves don’t get much of a chance of earning an honest living. No one buys the mushrooms we grow. They say that a red speckled top means poison. Humans have such delicate digestive systems you see…
Lariise: Rumpelstiltskin, could you keep to the point?
Rumpelstiltskin: Forgive me.
Queen: Forgive you? Why would we forgive you?
Lariise: Please, your majesty. Let him continue.
Queen: As you wish.
Rumpelstiltskin: Thank you. Like I was saying, humans don’t employ us, saying that because we come only up to their waists we can’t do as much work, and they won’t buy the mushrooms we can only grow. So we scavenge. I was going about the castle looking for my normal finds, when…
Queen: Looking? I call it stealing.
Rumpelstiltskin (patiently): Looking for my normal finds, that humans don’t want, when I came across that shifty old miller’s only daughter, sobbing her heart out in an underground room of the royal hut. So, being the compassionate man that I am–
Queen: I object again. Compassion is not taking–
Lariise: I believe I asked Rumpelstiltskin to speak, Queen, not you. Go on, Rumpelstiltskin.
Rumpelstiltskin: Anyhow, the room was filled with straw, so I asked her, girl, what’s wrong? And she said that her father–I always thought he was shifty–had told the king that she could weave straw into gold. What a whopping lie! I can’t imagine what he would have gained from it. Now I could weave such a feat, but considering that I was only there to get food for my wife’s table, I spied the girl’s necklace, and said, Girl, if you give me that necklace, I’ll weave this pile of straw into gold for our greedy old king. I forgot to mention that the tyrant had said that he’d kill her if she didn’t.
Lariise: May he live forever.
Lariise: This is LIVE TV. People are hearing this.
Rumpelstiltskin: Ta, ta. I’m banished, anyway.
Lariise: True, true.
Rumpelstiltskin: So Queen readily agreed, and I wove for maybe…two hours, and she gave me the necklace, weeping with gratefulness, and I skipped on my way. About two weeks later, when the money from the necklace had run out, I was back scavenging. And who should be sobbing her heart out but Queen, surrounded by more straw than ever. I asked her if her dad had lied again, and she bawled, no, the king had been so pleased that he’d ordered her to do it again, and she said she could, and I said, girl, do you have any brains at all? You should have told him that it wasn’t you, I said, give me the ring, and I’ll weave this. She she said yes, and I wove, and we were all happy. In another two weeks I came along, miserable this time, because our elfkin baby had recently drowned in the quagmire, so I didn’t have any children at all. And once more Queen was sitting there, crying…
Queen: I was not crying. I was resigned to my fate.
Rumpelstiltskin: Well, the king had said, if you can weave this, I’ll marry you. And if you can’t, then I’ll kill you. So I said to Queen, you have no jewelry left, but I can’t do it for free — I have a wife to feed. So Queen said, When I’m married, you can have my first baby. That suited me just fine, with Elliumplym in the bottom of a quagmire, so I agreed–
Queen: If I recall correctly, it was you who suggested the agreement, not me.
Rumpelstiltskin: Then you recall incorrectly.
Queen (angrily): I do not!
Rumpelstiltskin: I beg to differ.
Queen: Why you–
Lariise: Your majesty, I hate to interrupt, but I’m on a time schedule here. Please, let Rumpelstiltskin continue.
Queen: If you insist.
Lariise: I do. Please continue, Rumpelstiltskin.
Rumpelstiltskin: Thank you, Lariise. I spun all the gold, and she got married, and about a year later, when I got word of the royal birth, I came to collect my prize. And the rotten Queen refused–
Queen: Who exactly are you calling rotten?
Rumpelstiltskin: I believe there is only one Queen in this room and in the kingdom. Now. She refused, and I thought how I’d been when I lost my Elliumplyn, so I said, Fine, I’ll only take the baby if you can guess my name, cause I’d never told her.
Queen (indignantly): What a sneak. How was I supposed to know his name?
Rumpelstiltskin: I gave her three days, and told her I’d be back for Rosie on the twenty-fifth of March. She agreed. So I left. And returned. And she’d cheated. Her network of admirers and slaves had been at work, and a scullery maid I trusted told them that a certain Rumpelstiltskin came through every now and then. So Queen guessed right. It just wasn’t fair. So in my anger–and my mother always told me off for it as an elfkin–I stamped my foot, and Queen pulled a lever, and down I went in a trapdoor to be put on trial for crimes that don’t even make sense. Kidnapper? I think not.
Queen: I think yes!
Lariise: Thank you, Rumpelstiltskin, for your answers. Queen, I believe the public and the local law system has been unfair to poor Rumpelstiltskin. Knowing the weight you hold as Queen…
Lariise (apologetically): And I mean nothing derogatory by that, of course.
Queen: I should hope not.
Lariise: Perhaps you could get Rumpelstiltskin out of his banishment and help him and his kind set up some kind of self-sufficient village for the elves where they can cultivate poisonous mushrooms and such in peace. Perhaps even share Rosie with a form of custody.
Rumpelstiltskin: I can take Monday to Wednesday.
Queen: I am offended.
Queen: Share my child with an elf? She is a princess, don’t forget.
Lariise: Rumpelstiltskin, maybe you should just get a dog?
Rumpelstiltskin (smiling): I might just do that.
Lariise: Well, our time is up, and I hope your future will be better, Rumpelstiltskin, for both you and your wife.
Rumpelstiltskin: Thank you very much, Lariise, and I hope that all your mushrooms are speckled with red.
Lariise (worriedly): Poisonous mushrooms?
Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, sorry, I forgot about your weak digestive system.
Lariise: No offense taken.
Queen: I appreciate your time, Lariise, but next time tone down your snarky remarks, please.
Lariise: Oh, sorry. (Turning to camera) If you want to make any donations to the new Elf Fund, please go to fairystarnews.com/elffund, or call 1800 000 000. Thank you. All donations are gladly received.