Book blogging is like one of my FAVOURITE things in the existence of ever. Besides, of course, books themselves…and also dragons and cake. I have a slight thing for dragons and cake. (It’s probably hard to tell.) But moving forward…Book blogging is a rather perilous venture and is fraught with shrieking little bloggers telling themselves frequent lies.
“What lies are these you speak of, Cait?” you demand. “How dare you accuse us thusly!”
NEVER FEAR. I HAVE A LIST AND YOU CAN’T DENY THE BLATANT TRUTHS.
Since I wrote a post on Lies Bookworms Tell Themselves, I am following it up with the book blogger edition. I’m 99% sure you’re guilty of one or all of these. DON’T DENY IT. I know it how it is. (I am the all-knowing pineapple fiend.)
Oh don’t even look at me with those guiltless eyes. I KNOW HOW IT IS. Your blog is your darling little creation and you occasionally pet and coddle it and you can’t tell me otherwise.
By the way, referring to inanimate objects as your “baby child” is probably a sign of insanity. But the good news is — if you’re on the internet, YOU’RE SURROUNDED BY THE INSANE. Welcome. We have straitjackets and cookies.
2. “I DON’T EVEN CARE ABOUT STATS.”
I care about stats. You (probably) care about stats. At some point in your bloggy existence, WE CARE ABOUT STATS, OKAY!??! And it’s not even a thing to be ashamed about. Even when we talk out loud to actual humans in real life, you pay attention to how many people are listening. (In real life, I get about 1 pageview for my ingenious bookish soliloquies. Sheesh.)
3. “I DON’T EVEN CONSIDER HAVING MULTIPLE EDITIONS OF THE SAME BOOKS.”
I actually told myself this lie quite adamantly, quite a lot. I mean, what even is the point??? You can’t read two books at once (and please no don’t suggest I might lend one) so whyyyyy? WELL THE REASON IS: COLLECTING AND ACCIDENTS. I accidentally have three copies of The Winner’s Curse. I don’t even know. I assume the dragons secretaries are to blame because they are just hopeless at paperwork. But I keep them around for their good looks.
And plus, I mean, look me in the eye and tell me you don’t want every single gorgeous edition of The Hunger Games they’ve ever printed. I MEAN REALLY.
4. “I HAVE NEVER OVER-BOOKED MY BLOG…GAWSH NO, I’M WAY TOO ORGANISED AND CALM FOR THAT.”
I smell lies. Even if you are calm and organised…you do realise how easy it is to over-commit, right? Some idiot (aka, me) requested a marvellous amount of delicious Netgalley ARCs she really wanted — ONLY TO REALISE THEY ALL PUBLISH IN MARCH AND NOW SHE IS DROWNING, DANGIT.
5. “I DON’T SECRETLY DREAM OF BEING A MEGA-FAMOUS BLOGGER WHO GETS PAID TO SIT IN THEIR PYJAMAS CONSUMING SNACKS AND STUNNING THE INTERNET WITH MY WITTY MARVELLOUS WRITING.”
Who doesn’t dream of this? Why are we even denying it? When questioned about my future intentions, I usually mumble something confusing about writing and hiding and ermagerdleavemealoneIcanttalktohumans …but on the inside I am saying “PYJAMA QUEEN BLOGGER”. I’m sure you are too. Even if you’re a boy. We all want to be pyjama queen bloggers deep down inside.
6. “MY BLOG DOESN’T EVER OVERWHELM ME. I 100% GOT THIS ALL THE TIME, PEASANTS.”
If you have said this and it’s not a lie then…ARE YOU HUMAN??? ARE YOU A ROBOT? WOULD YOU LIKE TO WORK FOR ME? (I pay in cake and horribly corny puns like “I’m reading a book about anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put down hahhahha get it?”) Ahem.
But getting back to this horrendously ridiculous lie: you and I both know that getting overwhelmed by the blog AT SOME POINT will happen to everyone. Most of us deal with chocolate and goodhearted avoidance, but no one is denying that, right?
(The part about calling people “hey you peasant” is not a lie, however. I do it all the time. Peasant.)
7. “NATURALLY I’M VERY CALM AND LOGICAL AND HAVE NEVER REQUESTED TOO MANY ARCS AT ONCE AND THEN DROWNED IN THEM.”
Never? Not even once? You’ve never locked the doors of your house and escaped across three states because you’re sure the due-dates on all these ARCs are coming out to eat your liver?
8. “EVERYBODY ELSE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING SOOOO MUCH BETTER THAN ME. I AM JUST A CONFUSED MUSHROOM OF GOOD INTENTIONS.”
This is one of those small, unintentional lies that we all probably have believed at some point. I look at up to my blogging heroes and think “They so have this all together,” when at that moment, they’re probably hiding under their bed with an axe to avoid scary commitments whilst consuming an entire box of chocolates.
We are all confused mushrooms of good intentions. You need to believe this.
You also need to put this on a tee-shirt because DAAAANG CAIT YOU CLEVER CREATURE that is a catchy saying.
9. “I LOVE MY ARCHIVES AND MY OLD REVIEWS!”
Only the other day I tweeted how terrifying archives are. And old reviews. I secretly dream of salting mine and BURNING THEM WITH FIRE because I’m 99% they are an evil embarrassment to humankind. But the good news is, I suppose, that I have improved?? And that’s why my archives are so terrifying.
As sure and certain as Michaelangelo loved pizza*, I know you have some old reviews and posts that you would not direct anyone to. Ever. Nobody say this lie in my presence because I know the truth.
* He was Italian! OF COURSE HE LOVED PIZZA. And please stop lecturing me on stereotypes. Shhh, now, settle down in the back row and be quiet.
10. “I DON’T HAVE A PHOBIA OF MY BLOG BEING DELETED OR THE INTERNET SHUTTING DOWN FOREVER AND EVER.”
This may or may not keep me awake at night, occasionally, so I’m 99% sure you fear this too. Don’t even deny it! I CAN SEE THE FEAR IN YOUR EYES. I’ve been blogging for nearly 5 years…if I lost my blog or the internet shut down THAT WOULD BE LIKE MY LIFE GONE. I large portion of my soul would wither and die. The sun would never shine again. The trees would shed tears of pained ink on my behalf. Cakes all over the world would fail being baked. Dragons would cease to fly.*
Don’t pretend you’ve never fretted about this. I know you. BE HONEST AND OPEN WITH ME NOW, LITTLE PINEAPPLE. A true horror book would be the world without internet.
* I’m not 100% sure…but I might be a little dramatic because I am, in fact, a writer. And that’s basically a career of drama if ever I saw one.