Even though the bookworm life is mostly cake and marvellousness — there are some lies we bookworms tell ourselves. WE CAN’T HELP IT. The bookworm life is fraught with danger and sometimes we lie to ourselves to keep calm. For instance, at first you go into the bookworm life with the intentions of only casually reading a book. Next thing you know? It’s consumed your soul and you want to grow up to be a bookshelf. (There’s nothing wrong with this. I’m sure it’s healthy.) Most bookworms will DENY THIS FACT. But it’s true.
So!…today I have nicely gathered a list of popular lies bookworms chortle.
(Don’t even deny you’re guilty of these. I know you are.)
1. “IT’S A GOOD IDEA TO START THIS NEW BOOK REALLY LATE AT NIGHT DESPITE HAVING COMMITMENTS IN THE MORNING.”
Because you’re only going to read just one little teeny tiny chapter. HA HA HAHHAHA. No. This is such a lie. You will read copiously. Your eyeballs will fall out of your head. You will spend the next day running on coffee and sneaking naps under your desk. You are a grand delusional fish.
2. “I’LL ONLY READ ONE MORE PAGE.”
Nobody reads just ONE PAGE. Do you eat one potato chip? Do you snuggle a puppy once? Do you conquer one country? NO. One is just not a good number. Reading 342 pages is a much better idea and your eyeballs know it, your heart knows it, your left elbow knows it — only your brain is in denial here.
3. “I DON’T NEED NEW BOOKSHELVES.”
Even if you get rid of books (because while this makes pineapples all over the world cry, it is actually an okay thing to do under pressure), there is no such thing as having “enough bookshelves”. Even if you don’t display books, do you know how handy bookshelves are?!? You can do SO MUCH. Including stacking photos, or crafts, or knickknacks, or buried treasure you have wrested from the hands of a fearsome dead pirate. Books aside — options are endless.
But going back to books…raise your hand if you actually have enough shelf space and are satisfied with it??
I thought so.
4. “I CAN SERIOUSLY QUIT READING WHENEVER I WANT, IT’S SO TOTALLY NOT AN ADDICTION.”
Nope. No, this is just adorable and wrong and a very big lie. I assure you, even if you pinky swore you’d never read again, but I lured you into a bookshop and you took one sniff — YOU’D BE A GONER. #onceabookwormalwaysabookworm
5. “NOPE, I’VE NEVER IMAGINED MYSELF AS A BOOK CHARACTER, NEVER. HAHA. NO WAY.”
You know that one time your bus was late and you imagined it was the beginning of the zombie apocalypse? Or that time you ate Turkish Delight and totally didn’t think of white witches? Oooor that random one time you were trudging through the forest with a bow and arrow and singing The Hanging Tree and you were TOTALLY NOT PRETENDING TO BE KATNISS.*
See what I mean?! I’m like 99% sure you’ve** envisioned yourself as a fictional character at some point.
* This happens all the time right? I’m sure it does…average day.
** If I read a book with a queen in it, you can just imagine what position I envision myself. Cake for correct guesses.
6. “MY TO-BE-READ PILE IS PERFECTLY UNDER CONTROL, THANKS FOR ASKING.”
Followed with nervous laughter and “Aw I even don’t like to see my floor! The piles of books are totally cool!” which then leads to “I did have a bed once, somewhere vaguely in that direction under that flood of books”. Which will probably have you ending up with “Ah, yeah, my house is kinda full of books? That’s why I’m camping out here in a cardboard box. It’s totally cool. Don’t worry about it.”
If you haven’t said these lies yet….you probably will.
7. “READING IS RELAXING.”
OH THIS IS ADORABLE, ISN’T IT?! I mean some books are truly relaxing. But authors have this odd habit of going “Look at this adorable world and these adorable people having adorable lives with adorable happiness — NOW LET’S SMASH IT WITH A HAMMER. MWAHHAHAH.” And they leave readers crippled in trauma.
Reading is so stressful. I have like 9 grey hairs because of reading and anxious paper cuts from turning pages too fast. Also there was that one time my heart gave out?? That was awkward. But death is an acceptable part of the bookworm life.
8. “I DON’T HAVE A PHOBIA OF MY BOOKSHELVES FALLING ON ME AT NIGHT AND CRUSHING ME FLAT.”
I…um…screwed my bookshelves to the wall. This is normal, right? And plus, ignoring the fact that the bookshelf is heavy and might fall — I’m also dutifully concerned about the Tree Apocalypse. What if all the trees come to life and come for revenge on their dead brothers? HAVE YOU ThOUGHT ABOUT THIS???? Bookworms will be murdered in cold revenge.
Please. Ignore the lie. Screw your bookshelves in place. Batten down your books. Stay away from nature. Be safe.
9. “I HAVE NEVER ACCIDENTALLY PHYSICALLY HARMED MYSELF WITH A BOOK.”
I have dropped books on my face before. You know that moment when your arms get tired but you’re so engrossed in the book you don’t realise your fingers slipping until — WHACK — it’s like a faceplant but in a book. A bookplant? A baseplant?
Or paper cuts. Dropping hardcovers on poor feet. Straining your back from carrying too many. Crying an ocean of tears due to feels and then partially drowning yourself. Smacking the book against your head when a character does something stupid. Seriously = harmful things happen.
10. “I’M NOT GOING TO GET TOO INVESTED IN THIS SERIES, PARTICULARLY WHEN ALL THE BOOKS AREN’T OUT YET.”
You know that awkward moment when you go into a book with your guard up and your mind all calm and composed and ready to feel logically about a book…and then IT MALICIOUSLY TURNS YOU INTO A RABID FANGIRL OF HOPE AND HORROR AND YOU CANNOT WAIT FOR THE NEXT BOOK OR YOU WILL EXPLODE IN A THOUSAND DRAGON SCALES??? It always happens. Trust me.*
Don’t lie to yourself about any of these. I’m onto you.
* Of course you trust me. You’re at my blog! You keep coming back! You know I speak 100% truth ALL OF THE TIME. I acknowledge your trust.