Authors are my superheroes. Therefore I will never ever ever ever ever talk to them.
Hush, this makes perfect sense. This might come as a shock to you but: I’m very shy. (It’s easy to be outgoing online because SAFE behind my SCREEN.) I’m as socially awkward as a piece of broccoli left amongst the cauliflower to try and fit in and mingle and build connections, but ends up running through a grater multiple times while all the other vegetables go “Was not a piece of broccoli just here?? Why is there just broccoli soup on the floor now???” I DON’T DO PEOPLE AND I ESPECIALLY DON’T DO CONFESSING TO AUTHORS HOW MUCH I LIKE THEM. I also don’t do vegetables so who knows what all this broccoli comparison nonsense is.
No I haven’t met an author in real life either. And no I mostly don’t want to. I’d rather view them from a distance, like the dark side of the moon.
“Okay Cait,” you say patiently while pretending you’re not mumbling you incredible loon under your breath, “can you give us ACTUAL reasons you don’t talk to authors and pls hold back the broccoli analogies.”
As you wish, my fiends.
- I ADMIRE THEM TOO MUCH. And obviously when you like something you never want anything to do with it again, right? RIGHT???? I’m sure I’m not alone in this.
- I’M PAINFULLY AWARE THEY’RE JUST HUMANS AND THEREFORE WILL MAKE MISTAKES. I’ve seen authors I love doing things I reeeeally feel the opposite of love towards. So sometimes I like enjoying their art as separate to their person.
- I’M SO AWKWARD I MAKE A FOOL OF MYSELF. From dumb stuff like telling an author who much I adore them and having my comment be THE ONLY ONE NOT ANSWERED…like. I’m sure it was oversight. I’m sure they don’t hate me. [SOBBING OFFSTAGE]
- I SUDDENLY HAVE NO THOUGHTS. Oh look! An author tweeted me! WHAT IS ENGLISH. I got nothing. I want to say something pithy and memorable and instead I just end up ignoring them because that also is how you show authors you love and support them.
- LIKE I SAID…I’M SHY! I actually have an anxiety disorder, social anxiety to be specific, so even my author heroes are quite terrifying. Especially if they’re fabulous. UGH WHY ARE THEY SO FABULOUS.
- I DON’T LIVE CLOSE TO ANY AUTHORS TO MEET THEM ANYWAY. Because I live in a speck of a town and don’t have the ability to get to a big city and a signing. Plus Australia is pretty slack on its touring capabilities for authors. It has to be a big event, like the Brisbane Writers Festival, if you want to actually spot an author in the wild. They don’t tour here like they do in the USA.
However, that all saying, I have had a few interactions with authors online that didn’t end in fire and volcanic flames of death on my part.
This is an accomplishment that I’m proud of. And sometimes it makes me feel quite encouraged and full of bravery for 2.3 seconds!! Which is amazing!! Let’s never do this again!! #SociallyAwkwardMomentFTW
Although I would like to note that I intend to be an author someday. I assume I’ll cut off all communications with myself immediately.
I’m also linking up with Top Ten Tuesday with their prompt “Top Ten Authors I’m Dying To Meet” which is obviously not what I’m blogging about but you know what? Whatever. I AM LOKI. And yes one of these days I’ll give like more than a 5% effort to follow the prompts but it is not this day.
1. CORNELIA FUNKE
I’ve been talking about Reckless a lot lately but that’s because #obsessed. Which gave me enough courage to actually mention Cornelia Funke in my tweet!! SOMETHING I NEVER DO. BUT LOOK HOW BRAVE I WAS.
FYI she is sending me a magical mirror so you can be jealous at any time now while I am traversing the magical worlds of the galaxies and renaming myself Jacobette Reckful.
2. NICOLE CASTROMAN
This was one of those “WAIT WOAH WHAT” moments because I didn’t even know she followed me on twitter and then THERE SHE WAS. COMMENTING ON MY TWEET. I freaked out so much that I just favourited and didn’t reply. I mean, c’mon. She writes pirates!! My favourite!! thing!! of!! ever!!
Obviously I love her and therefore am hiding.
3. MEGAN JACOBSON
Ya know…just that average moment WHEN A REAL LIVE AUSTRALIAN AUTHOR COMPLIMENTS YOUR WRITING. I’d tweeted a snippet of the book I was working on (all about poisoned arms and death and OTPs actually) and discovered not only does this incredibly kind soul follow me, SHE THINKS MY WRITING IS ADORABLE.
4. STEPH BOWE
So back when I was the smallest of bloggers and had just started out, I was obsessed with Stephe Bowe’s blog. #1 Stalker Commenting Fan = me. And she not only (a) responded to my comments, but (b) she even visited my smol blog, and (c) stopped by for an interview! This was back in 2013 when the world was fresh and dinosaurs still ate humans on toast for breakfast and I’d barely started book blogging for real, so it was just so so exciting and WOW.
Also FYI I was the first person in the world to release Steph Bowe’s latest book’s cover so. Still #1 Fan Material.
5. JENNIFER NIVEN
Just SAYIN’ that Jennifer Niven said I WRITE THE BEST REVIEWS. I mean. Also you can notice how in the below conversation I wasn’t even in it. At all. I was dying in a small puddle in the corner, so it’s debatable if I can call this an “interaction”.
And if you haven’t devoured All the Bright Places yet…WHILE I’M HERE I will just say it is one of the best books of ever and also takes delight in stabbing you in the feels. As all good books do.
6. DEREK LANDY
There was this one time HarperCollins Australia had this conversation with me that went something like this:
HarperCollins: hey cait we heard you liked Derek Landy books. Would you like to review one?
Me: *STRANGLED EXCITED NOISES*
HarperCollins: and also interview him.
Me: *PTERODACYTL SCREECH*
HarperCollins: Is everything okay?
Me: *TRIES TO ACT NONCHALANT*
Me: I mean, yes of course. I can squeeze it into my schedule.
Me: *HOLLERING IN CIRCLES AROUND THE HOUSE*
It was all very courteous and dignified, obviously. I’m nothing if not a professional. And we might’ve discussed how long he’d survive in a demon roadtrip apocalypse sort of setting. Because I ask DEEP AND PHILOSOPHICAL QUESTIONS when I interview * authors.
But like I interviewed an NYT bestselling author so excuse me while that makes me famous obviously.
* Speaking of interviewing authors, you’ll notice I do this barely never too. It take me about 6 months to work up the courage and then 6 months to recoup. If only they weren’t so MARVELLOUS, ugh.
7. LEIGH BARDUGO
I’d actually forgotten about this interaction until I was digging through dead files on my computer! This was back when I was @notebooksisters so I WAS SUCH A SMOL BEAN I CAN’T EVEN WITH MYSELF.
I also don’t actually know why I tweeted this because I don’t ship the Darkling and Alina??????? I would’ve sworn till I was blue in the face that I NEVER HAD. But the internet says I did. And when can the internet lie. *
Also while we’re here, can I just say that Leigh Barudgo is lovely and amazing and writes incredible books and just seem so ridiculous fabulous?!??? UGH I ADMIRE HER SO MUCH.
* Do nOT answer that.
8. AG HOWARD
I have had many many interactions with AG Howard who is so ridiculously kind I can’t even. I nearly DON’T have a near-nerves-death-experience when we talk now!! That’s like amazing!! Someone congratulate me I’ve reached the pinnacle!!
I’ve chatted with her, and interviewed her (twice!!) and recently she sent me a signed copy of Roseblood which was, of course, ridiculously kind of her and oh — oh are you seeing someone melting into a puddle of broccoli soup again???
I seriously can’t handle nice people. Or mean people. Why can’t we all be dragons. #TheRealQuestionHere
9. JAY KRISTOFF
So this was totally a case of like AUTHOR’S HAVING THE ALL SEEING SAURON EYEBALL. (Actually I think someone tagged them in the conversation somewhere but shhh. I like to think that authors = Sauron’s children. Becuase of all the times they hurt our feels, yes?) And we also need to talk to Mister Kristoff about what “soon” means. Because it’s nearly APRIL. So that was not “SOON” for Illuminae 3 news dangit.
Also I just realised so many of these authors are Aussies?!???? So basically I feel kinship enough to speak to my own kind because if we’ve all battled the drop bears hyped up on Vegemite and human blood — then we have things to talk about.
10. VE SCHWAB
So the more I like an author, it becomes a 500000% sure chance I’LL NEVER EVER SPEAK TO THEM. Case in point: I have never spoken to Maggie Stiefvater, who is my #1 favourite author of all time in ever. But. VE Schwab is my second-favourite-author-in-all-time-ever * AND I worked up the courage to reply to her tweet! Because I had something somehwat intelligent to say!!
Hmm. No. It was not intelligent. Not really at all since I was just quoting Tangled. But yet she liked my tweet. So that counts, right??? THAT’S AN INTERACTION, RIGHT????? Okay fine. This is the worst “interaction” on my list but hush.
Omg she is so amazing. Can I be VE Schwab when I grow up.
* This is the technical phrase for it that adults use and not an 8 year old child like I have reverted to just now.
Just to be perfectly clear: I really do admire authors!!
So if an author is reading this (highly unlikely hopefully ha ha nervous laughter for everyone) then they will just need to know I’m only dead and having my ghost type this up because I LOVE THEM. Not because they’re strange. Although, honestly, they probably are a little strange. It happens when you have imaginary friends and get paid for it. But regardless…I have had other interactions, but like VERY small ones. And there was one time Walker Books had me lined up to do an interview with Cassandra Clare (!!!!!!) but it fell through, which is probably good because my heart would’ve fallen through too.
Authors are my superheroes. I am broccoli soup.