Bookworms are an emotionally delicate lot and should be treated carefully. Usually when I say “treat carefully” I just mean buy them lots of books and bake them delicious treats, preferably cake. BUT! There are also phrases that can send them into wretched meltdowns of agony and despair.
So, kindly of me, I’ve compiled a list of things bookworms do not EVER want to hear. Bookworms should probably forward this list to friends, family, local friendly reptiles, authors and also publishers. We need to EDUCATE THE WORLD, bookworm friends, that way they’ll stop destroying us.
“LET’S REDO THE COVERS OF THIS SERIES THAT’S ONLY HALF PUBLISHED!” SAYS THE PUBLISHERS.
Says the publishers? Pfft. Says satan. This honestly hast to be the WORST sentence in the history of ever. Collecting books isn’t cheap! And 94% of bookworms* like to buy series that match. I’ve honestly quit on collecting series that have had cover changes. And let’s not even talk about the travesty that was The Winner’s Curse revamp**. Ugh. I still have nightmares.
* Yes I pull random stats out of the air all the time. But if I decree they’re true, then how can they be otherwise, hmm?
** Which, thankfully, they retracted…and doubly thankfully the UK editions were not stupid and belittling of feminine women to try the change anyway.
“DON’T YOU THINK YOU HAVE ENOUGH BOOKS NOW?”
Whoever says this should probably be pitied instead of murdered since they clearly do not understand the culture of a bookworm. But how do you even stay calm in the face of such a sentence?! Do we…laugh? Cry? Box up our books, move to Antartica, and socialise only with understanding and non-judgemental penguins? HOW DO WE HANDLE THIS.
“SO I HAD A SMALL ACCIDENT WITH YOUR BOOK…BUT IT JUST LOOKS WELL-LOVED NOW, RIGHT?!”
Well…loved…EXCUSE ME I JUST CHOKED TO DEATH.
Although, not all bookworms have problems with books that are battered and well-loved and have occasional tear stains. Some quite love it! But I still feel like there’s a difference between damaging YOUR book YOURSELF…and having a borrower return it in a horrible condition.
THIS IS WHY I DON’T LEND BOOKS.
“THE RELEASE DATE HAS BEEN PUSHED BACK…AGAIN.”
Oh was that the sound of my heart shattering on the ground? Oh, ha ha. No biggie. I mean, I didn’t need closure and comfort and happiness anyway…
“THERE’S ACTUALLY MORE TO LIFE THAN BOOKS.”
This doesn’t even make sense. This is like a weird mixture of the English language into a nonsensical string of noises that NO ONE should really be uttering.
And to prove that everything about life is books…just think of someone doing something GREAT. Inventing something. Creating something. Discovering something. What happens to that someone? THEY GET A BOOK WRITTEN ABOUT IT. Humans write down everything. And before that they were scrawling their accomplishments on the wall. So I would very firmly shriek that there isn’t more to life than books.
“Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing.”
“THE HARDCOVER IS, LEGIT, TWICE THE PRICE OF THE PAPERBACK.”
And the hardcovers are, of course, more beautiful. Just to torment us. I mean, couldn’t they be a few dollars difference? Or couldn’t I at least find myself a Book Benefactor* who will specifically buy me nice books since I cannot afford them because I have to do other measly things like, um, live.
* You know how in Great Expectations, Pip was sponsored by that Unknown Benefactor, who gave him money to live for like — NO REASON? Yeah. I want one.
“YOU CAN ONLY TAKE ONE BOOK ON THIS HOLIDAY.”
I don’t like this phrase. Especially since it brings up the idea that, perhaps, you’ll be expecting me to SOCIALISE on this holiday. Oh excuse me; my soul is fracturing.
(The best way to get around phrase like this, of course, is to take a kindle. HA.)
“THE LIBRARY/BOOKSTORE IS CLOSED.”
At least with internet and insta-ordering-books, this isn’t the tragedy it once was. BUT IT CAN STILL BE REALLY BAD, OKAY?!?! My library likes to close down for like 2 weeks over Christmas/New Years. I don’t know why. I mean, how dare the librarians have time off to be with relations. Isn’t their lives books????
“CALM DOWN. IT’S JUST A BOOK.”
I WILL NOT BE CALM. ARGHUQQUWIRQRQ. THERE IS NO CALM WHEN A BOOK HAS JUST WRENCHED YOUR FEELS OUT AND STOMPED ON THEM. THERE IS NO CALM WHEN A BOOK HAS EATEN YOUR MIND AND WILL NOT LET GO. THERE IS NO CALM; THERE IS ONLY BOOK.
“THE SEQUEL HASN’T BEEN BOUGHT BY PUBLISHERS YET,” SAYS THE AUTHOR AS THEY WRITE A MASSIVE CLIFFHANGER.
Now this isn’t the author’s fault, it’s the publishers. But it’s still a phrase I never ever want to hear…and gosh, I hear it all the time. Last year Walk on Earth a Stranger was up on Goodreads as a standalone. UM. NO. That ending is not satisfactory — at all!! (They don’t even get to the magicy goldmining part yet, omg.) Luckily the trilogy must’ve sold and I am now at peace (Also please go behold the sequel’s cover. IT’S SO GORGEOUS). Under A Painted Sky however…um, a) cliffhanger, b) no sequel* as of yet. WUT IS THIS LIFE.
* I literally put aside my fear of authors and ASKED STACEY LEE THIS. SHE ONLY SAID “MAYBE”. Cue fretful noises.
“LET’S PUT STICKERS ON THE FRONT OF BOOK COVERS TO SAY THERE’S BONUS CONTENT INSIDE!” SAYS THE PUBLISHERS.
I’m pretty sure there is evil that does not sleep in publishing houses and they invent stuff like this to torment us.
“YOU KNOW THAT BOOK YOU RECOMMENDED 3 YEARS AGO? I’M READING IT NOW!”
So let’s take a minute to agree that being a book reviewer is hard because tastes change! A book I loved 3 years go, I might not recommend now. (Unless it’s by Maggie Stiefvater. Because let’s be real: read all her stuff. Immediately. And every time I re-read, I give her books another star. So far The Raven Cycle is at 384398 stars.) Also old reviews can be horrifically horrific. I know that was a terrible sentence but THAT JUST SUMS UP MY FEELINGS EXACTLY, OKAY?!?
“OH! I’VE READ THAT BOOK TOO! DID YOU GET TO THE PART WHERE ***SPOILERS*** AND THEN ***SPOILERS***? HA HA! SO MUCH PAIN ABOUT ***SPOILERS***, RIGHT?!?”
This. is. unfathomably. devastating. Although, to be fair, people don’t often TRY to spoil books…but it happens way more than it should! AGH. And I realise if a book has been out for 10 years it’s easy to assume everyone has read it: BUT DON’T EVER ASSUME. I’ve been 100% put-off reading books because people have casually spoiled them.
In my long ago childhood, my sister did this to me. You know how I said I have 4 sisters? WELL. TRUTH IS I USED TO HAVE MORE OF THEM BUT NOW THERE ARE LESS.*
* I’m joking. Maybe.