After having a fabulous time listing vile villains, I couldn’t resist this blog chain prompt.
I picked Wreck It Ralph to write to, but I quickly decided this wasn’t going to work. My letter was looking something like this:
I BELIEVE IN YOU.
So I swapped to a villain I feel very, very strongly about.
Dear Count Olaf,
You are a terrible actor.
Unlucky for you, that’s not the worst of your malicious, mean and scary life endeavors (a phrase here which means: your attempts to thwart the Baudelaire orphans of their family fortune).
Throughout Lemony Snicket’s 13 book recount of the Baudelaire orphans, you increasingly frazzled my long-suffering patience. You weren’t just attempting a theft, you were also really mean to the Baudelaires. I mean, honestly, didn’t you ever think of them as kids who were unfortunate enough to have their parents die (maybe), all their possessions be destroyed (probably), and be sent to live with you quite on accident (jury’s out)? Did you ever feel sorry for them? Yeah? Didn’t think so.
In 13 books, a reader usually finds room to be a little sympathetic towards the villain. You? No way. You just grew worse and more annoying and seething and — cruel. Did you kill Jacques? Did you kill Beatrice? Was it an accident that the Baudelaire parents died?
DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT VFD STANDS FOR?!?
Okay, I’ll be calm. But, honestly, were you involved with the goings-on around the Sugar Bowl? What about the question mark in the grim grotto? Did you know the Snickets personally? And that moment when you saved Kit and her baby-to-be from drowning…did you love her once?
Do you have regrets, Olaf, after the harpoon gun and Medusoid Mycelium poisoning? Did you have a past as complicated and unfortunate as the Baudelaire orphans?
Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I do feel a little (just a touch, don’t get too carried away) sympathy for you. I’m sorry you turned into such a nasty creature, disgusting, and untalented, and opposed to puttanesca sauce. Money isn’t everything. And pasta is actually remarkably tasty. I’m sorry you turned out such a vile villain. Maybe you could have helped the Baudelaire’s unravel the mystery of VFD instead of destroying as much as you could.
I’m sorry about you and Kit too.
a series of unfortunate events forever-fan