Being a voraciously fast reader is so not all fricasseed cake and pineapple pie. It is RIFE with intense agony, I tell you! Trust me. I’m a surviver of hundreds and hundreds of books. All of which I’ve read rather fast because that’s just who I am! I do everything fast. And sure I could quit reading fast and just read slower and lessen the trials and maybe take up fighting darkness and training dragons in my spare time. Something fun and soothing like that??? BUT I LOVE BOOKS AND I WANT TO READ THEM ALL. Being a fast reader is who I am and that’s okay!
So here I am today to list you ALL the agonies of being a speed reader. Speed readers unite! No shame for inhaling books in a whiff! Even if we suffer for it!
1. THAT ESPECIALLY AWKWARD MOMENT WHEN YOU READ SO FAST YOU MISS DETAILS IN THE FINALE AND YOU END UP SITTING THERE LIKE “HUH”?
When you read fast, you usually get faster and faster as you near that epic finale. And I don’t know about you — BUT I GET SO EXCITED!! All those emotions! All the action!! I want to know the ending so so bad. So I read faster and faster and. Well. I get to know the ending. But then I realise all the little details I’ve missed and I end up sitting there wailing “I LOVED IT BUT WHAT JUST HAPPENED.”
Rereads are friends.
2. WHEN YOU READ SO FAST THAT YOU DON’T PAY MUCH ATTENTION TO CHARACTER NAMES, ERGO YOU FORGET THEM AND END UP SQUALLING LIKE A AWKWARD PENGUIN BECAUSE YOU CAN’T RECALL THEM.
Plots? I got this. But character names?! I ALWAYS FORGET THEM!! And I feel awful for it, but Bob, Bill, Borris — blah. They all are the same. Names are not my forte.
Basically, my conversations are like this:
Fellow Bookworm: Ahhhh what did you think of the romance?!?! Wasn’t it adorable?!
Me: Oh yes I totally shipped it! And I loved…um…that…guy. Ya know. That dude in that place who does that thing and is great.
Fellow Bookworm: Wait. Which dude? What was his name?
Me: You know…the dude. With the name. OMG GOOGLE SAVE ME.
3. ACCIDENTALLY READING TONS OF DODGY BOOKS THAT MAKE YOU WANT TO FACEPLANT IN THE NILE AND CRY.
When you read really fast sometimes you are less picky and read more and more books. (At least, this is how it works for me.) I give more books “a chance” because I can get through them fast. But this equals more less-than-stellar books and THAT MAKES ME WANT TO CRY. Bring on that olympic pool of chocolate so I can drown my agonies.
4. WHEN IT GETS MORE AND MORE DIFFICULT TO FIND UNIQUE BOOKS BECAUSE YOU’VE READ EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN DANGIT.
I can’t expect all authors to read a million books a year, right? SO. It makes sense that many authors write similar books. But it makes me feel like an inside-out tortilla when I read a book and it feels like deja vu. And after you swallow 248920 dystopians at record pace — they all sound the same, okay??! IT’S A PROBLEM.
5. WHEN YOU READ SO FAST ALL YOUR BUDDY-READING-BOOKWORMS QUIETLY PLOT YOUR DEMISE.
Ahhh…that awkward moment when you finish on the first day — in the book THAT YOU AND YOUR BUDDIES DECIDED TO READ IN A MONTH. My bad, peoples, my bad.
The cure, of course, is to find a speed-reading buddy. (Yay us, Mishma!)
6. THE ABJECT DESPAIR OF WAITING 3989308 DAYS FOR THE SEQUEL OF YOUR FAVOURITE BOOK AND THEN YOU READ IT IN ONE DAY AND HAVE TO WAIT FOREEEEEEEVER FOR THE NEXT ONE.
Because you’ve been waiting so long for this, how can you slow down?! It’s not possible. READ IT ALL IN ONE GULP! HUZZAH! And then waiting. So much waiting. Agh.
7. WHEN YOUR KINDLE ESTIMATES YOUR READING SPEED AND YOU HAVE TO BEAT IT.
I possibly have a worrying competitive streak? I mean, I’m basically racing myself and a machine. BUT I STILL DO IT. And I win. Because I am fabulous like that and no kindle can define me. I’m divergent and can’t be controlled.
8. WHEN EVERYONE ASSUMES YOU HAVE SUPER POWERS BECAUSE YOU SWALLOW BOOKS SO FAST.
Oh, well, I totally have superpowers. But I’m sure most speed-readers don’t and have to struggle with answering questions and comments on this. What do you say??? I have two eyes and I use them simultaneously???
9. WHEN PEOPLE INFORM YOU THAT IF YOU READ SO FAST YOU CAN’T BE ENJOYING THE BOOK.
Agh, I’ve had people actually tell me this and it pains me! IT DOES! Just because someone does something differently to you doesn’t mean that they’re wrong. Just because someone speed-reads, doesn’t necessarily mean they absorb less or they enjoy the book less. You CAN read fast and have JUST as much enjoyment as someone who reads slow! Don’t be a judging cacti.
10. WHEN YOU RUN OUT OF BOOKS AND MUST HYPERVENTILATE IN AGONY UNTIL THE NEXT LIBRARY DAY OR BOOK MAIL ARRIVAL.
I mean, technically I’ll never run out of books because there’s always SOMETHING that could be read. Or reread. But I do get to the point where my TBR is made up of 3 books and I’m not in the mood for the specific genre right then. I only library once a week. And what if my reserves aren’t in!?!? What if my book order takes longer to arrive?!?! WHAT IF I HAVE TO SIT IN THE SILENT DARKNESS AND NOT READ ANYTHING???! Because if one doesn’t have a book plastered to their face, other humans might expect them to socialise. And goodness. We cannot have that.