There’s nothing worse than sitting down to snack on a book and finding it insufferably unrealistic.
Well, I mean, there’s probably a few things that are worse. Like zombies eating your brain or misplacing your tea so it gets cold or watching someone blithely dog-earing a book page. But. Let’s lay ALL THAT ASIDE for now and concentrate on the real tragedy that is unrealistic happenings that often appear in books.
And look, this is PART 2, because apparently I have a lot to say on this topic. You can find Part One here, where I complain about books not mentioning greasy hair, allergies, being cranky because you’re over overtired, and the ridiculousness that is the idea that parents actually remember their kids’ names without yelling out the dog’s name first. Come on.
So here I shall bring to you more things I’m squinting suspiciously at. Because I think I’m a suspicious person by nature and this is due to being betrayed as a child * by my parent putting kale on pizza that one time.
* This was, like, a month ago. BUT I WAS JUST A CHILD.
1. WHEN THEY RIP CLOTHES TO MAKE BANDAGES.
Maybe I’m just a weak armed limpet due to not eating my vegetables as a child, but mate, have you actually tried to rip clothes??? Because it’s hard. And I can only imagine in those medieval times where the weave was thick, strong, and durable, but yet these people be tearing their shirts off ALL OVER THE PLACE in order to make bandages for the dying loved ones. *
Honestly if I was on a quest with some pour soul who lost their arm and needed a bandage, I’d just have to let them bleed to death because I couldn’t tear my shirt.
NOTE TO SELF: Do not go on quests with Cait ever.
* Obviously like strong warriors would have better luck with this, or if you started off the tear with a knife. But I legit read about puny people who’ve never worked a day in their lives suddenly becoming beasts of muscles and, like, I have questions, son.
2. FAINTING AND PUKING BUT JUST KEEPING ON LIKE A STEADFAST LITTLE CRUMPET.
In my experience, fainting and puking are very hard things to get up and just keep trotting on like nothing has happened. * And actually if you’ve fainted for longer than 2 minutes, it’s dangerous??? But in books they seem to just faint ALL the time and then wake up in 4 days and that awkward problem is over, thank goodness.
REASONS THEY KEEP FAINTING IN BOOKS:
- because the situation is too awkward to go through
- they see blood
- they have a panic attack and the writer doesn’t know what that means so just LET!! THEM!! FAINT!! that’ll work!!! **
- someone delivered shocking news
- they need attention
- they need a nap and fainting = naps apparently
- it’s cooler to end a chapter with a blackout scene
In my experience, fainting ended with a lot of nausea. Although that was me. I would be interested to know if anyone else has fainted and what it felt like!! TELL ME IN THE COMMENTS.
Also vomiting?!? It happens SO MUCH IN BOOKS and yet everyone continues on with the adventure when they’re done. How about how GROSS your mouth is afterwards?!?? How about like then having low energy due to just upheaving all your food? And don’t even get me started on how crabby you get when you’re sick. WHERE ARE THE DETAILS HERE.
* I feel like this whole post is just confessing how WEAK I AM. OMG. NO ONE COME PREY ON ME NOW THAT I’VE DISPLAYED MY WEAKNESS.
** Spoiler: that is not what a typical panic attack is.
3. ALL THESE 16 YEAR OLDS ARE FINDING TRUE LOVE AND THEIR DESTINIES SO FAST AND I CAN’T EVEN FIND MATCHING SOCKS.
It’s possible I am just very bad at matching my socks up. But how do people even find the meaning of life AND their one true love in like a year??? Or a few weeks??? I was told I’d figure out what to do with my life when I turned into an adult. Such lies. Adulting is built on lies. There’s actually nothing beneficial about adulting except reading past your bedtime.
4. NO ONE EVER SEEMS TO THROW THEIR BACK OUT.
You know that moment when you’re just existing and you like turn to wave regally to someone and then — BOOM — your back is out and you’re never going to move again for the next 9 weeks?? HOW COME THAT NEVER SHOWS UP IN BOOKS. And this isn’t because I’m an old granny, hush your mouth. I used to throw my back out when I was a small teen too.
I would be REALLY impressed with a hero who survived the apocalypse with a neck strain and spent 94% of the book looking like a pretzel to avoid moving. That’s the kind of hero the world needs.
FANTASY WARRIOR EXPECTATIONS: I will carry huge battle axes and blast about the world decimating my foes.
FANTASY WARRIOR REALITIES: I haven’t looked left in 9 years tbh because my neck is out.
5. INTROVERTS WHO DON’T SEEM TO TAKE ALONE TIME.
See the thing with introverts is: THEY DO NOT FUNCTION UNLESS THEY HAVE ALONE TIME. You think it’s just a preference??? Hahaha. No. It’s survival. You want to know why Smaug exploded all those dwarves and that mountain? He was an introvert and someone disturbed the 2000 years he needed to regroup before facing society again.
It’s different for everyone. Some people need a day alone. Some people only need a few hours. I need 1 year of solitude = for every 1 hour of social interaction. *
I just don’t BELIEVE IT when I read books about “introverts” and yet they always seek out people. Ew. And why. **
** Fyi in case you are a marmot = INTROVERSION DOES NOT EQUAL SHY. You can have shy extroverts. Introversion simply means you need time alone to centre yourself. If you feel energised after hanging around your favourite people, you’re probably an extrovert. It’s about energy NOT personality. I actually am ridiculously surprised with how often people don’t get this…
6. THE WIFI CONNECTS RATHER WELL AND I’M SUSPICIOUS.
The other day I sneezed and my WiFi went down for like 9 years. True story. WiFi is a fickle creature and one that is not to be tamed, underestimated, or relied upon in crucial moments of existence.
When I read a book where they go through a snowstorm but afterwards the WiFi is now working? HAHAHAHHAHA. You wish. That’s Gandalf level wizardry right there.
7. EVERYONE RANDOMLY BUMPING INTO EACH OTHER ALL THE TIME AND HOW EVEN DOES THAT HAPPEN?
I can’t even manage to meet up with people I’ve ORGANISED to meet up with, let alone bump into that handsome young hellion you met in chapter one who just HAPPENS TO BE THERE in that crucial moment to be sucked into the rest of the plot and most likely be your OTP or some sort of special chosen snowcone flake.
How does that even happen.
I live in a tiny town and swear I never see the same person twice.
I’m 99% sure all these chill “Oh fancy seeing you here!” events that happen in books is actually because people are using covert tracking devices. Or black magic.
8. EVERYONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE GOING TO SAY ALL OF THE TIME.
Now I get it…this is a story. We don’t want pages of awkward blank stares and we don’t want to give up our SWEETLY GLORIOUS witty banter.
But I am just saying…how does no one lose their train of thought??! I swear, I’ll be in the middle of an argument and just OKAY YEAH RAWR WERE WAS I GOING WITH THIS. Or when you walk into another room and have no idea what you went in their for.
I just want, once, to read a character walk into a room — then immediately walk out to go back and try and find the thought they just dropped.
Yes bruises do show up in books! But can we talk about the part where bruises HURT??? I tend to read about them and it’s just “oh he’s been beaten up so look — bruises!” But, mate, if you get smacked in the face by an orc, you’re going to feel those bruises for DAYS.
Not to mention mysterious brusies.
I’m waiting to read a book where the a character says, “Woah, that’s a big bruise! How’d you get it?” While the protagonist looks at it, pokes it because that’s what you do to bruises, and says “I haven’t the faintest.”
Where the freaking flying flipped frosty pancakes do these bruises even COME FROM.
10. WHY DON’T THESE TEENS GOOGLE THEMSELVES INTO THE GRAVE?
It amazes me when I read books about where the teen is experiencing magical changes or maybe even mental health issues in contemporaries — AND NO ONE EVER GOOGLES IT. Okay so your eyes are glowing in the dark and you’re probably shapeshifting at night??? Dude, google. And that time your arm twitched spontaneously? GOOGLE. You will be diagnosed with 92 life threatening illnesses in 15 minutes and the plot will move along a lot faster with less of the “WHY AM I LIKE THIIIIIIS”.
Because you’ll know. You’re a werewolf with the chicken pox and will die when you’re 21.
And honestly every single book about mental health I read where the characters don’t google, I just sit there snorting. Don’t come @ me with saying you, dear protagonist, have anxiety. You haven’t googled yourself into an early grave yet. I don’t believe you. I KNOW HOW IT REALLY IS.