People think bookworms are just so so so simple and easy to please.
“Just leave them alone in a corner with a pile of books,” they say. They’ll be happy and content, particularly if you throw them a few biscuit crumbs at regular intervals. “Bookworms are so quaint and low maintenance!” they say.
And you know what? HOW D A R E YOU. Because do I have news for you that you are absolutely entirely for certainly–
Yeah. Ok, fine You’re right. We are really easy to please. Dump me in a corner with books and snacks. Come back in 40 days. This is fine.
But even though the simple pleasures work every time, this totally doesn’t stop us dreaming up lists of other things we want.
And just to PROVE to you that bookworms do want more complex stuff than just books (but seriously we freaking love books give us all the books you want), I have written a super handy list of 10 things bookworms really truly want.
Obviously I can’t speak for all bookworms, but I speak for myself, so that’s the important part.
1. GOODREADS TO GIVE US STICKERS WHEN WE HIT OUR READING GOALS.
I think I’ve mentioned this one before but it’s worth saying again because (A) I can’t remember what I’ve blogged about before, IT’S BEEN 6 YEARS OK I’m bound to repeat myself, and (B) it’s so intensely important!! There’s this convoluted idea that people need complicated rewards to be motivated and I’m telling you: no.
We just need stickers.
I think there’s an age in life (like maybe around 12???) where you’re not into stickers. But if you’re around 5 years old or 20+ years old — you want stickers.
I would be 1000% more motivated to read if Goodreads passed out stickers when I hit various goals throughout the year (like read 10,000pgs; read 20 books; longest reading streak of finishing a book per day; etc. etc.) I would be an uNSTOPPABLE FORCE with stickers to motivate me.
2. CHEAPER BOOK SHIPPING.
Like most people who are either bookworms or just in their 20s, I AM NOT OF THE RICHES. I spend what I can on books, but they’re expensive. And I also have to spend my money on other dumb stuff like, you know….food and rent.
And back in the day, I whined like most of us do, saying, “BOOKS SHOULD BE FREEEE.” And ugh ugh, no. Look I get the off-handed comment! And I’m going to say “I WISH PEACHES WERE FREEEE” too because I really love peaches. But. Art shouldn’t be free. Artists deserve to be paid and recognised for their work because art is just as important as any other career. I mean look at history, what do we all gasp and revere now?? The ancient art left behind.
So hear me out: CHEAPER BOOK SHIPPING.
Obviously I’m still putting post offices out of a job, but they make an actual killing with prices and postage just goes up and up and the service is frolicking about in hell (AUSTRALIA POST LOST MY OWN FREAKING ARC OF MY OWN FREAKING BOOK, OK??? I WILL NOT FORGIVE. 5. weeks. it took it to get from UK to Australia..I can’t even…) So. Let me be a little demon spawn here and just say it shouldn’t cost $16 for me to send a book overseas. And then take 5 weeks to get there.
3. UNNECESSARY COVER CHANGES MID SERIES TO BE MADE ILLEGAL
This surprises exactly NO ONE. I think it makes most of us mad, right?! And even if you don’t care about matching covers, please don’t hate on people who do! It can really bother us…like to the point where I won’t buy a book if it doesn’t match because it makes me (legit, not hyperbolic) anxious to have a messy shelf.
Now I get that some cover changes are good. Like these days a lot of POC authors are getting cover changes to have POC models on the cover — and that’s awesome. That’s needed. But hello, publishers?! Just start the series with POC on the cover.
Sometimes I put unrealistic things on my lists to keep us all on our toes. Like #3 was hilariously unrealistic. But this?! THIS TIME I’M DEAD SERIOUS. Hermione got that handbag, and Newt had his epic suitcase that appeared to have its own solar system down there, and Mary Poppins was like a witch or something with her bag — so fair is fair?!?
If my bookshelves expanded WITH my books, then I would complain so much less!!
Or I’d find new things to complain about!! I’m so flexible like that!!
5. CAFE THAT SELLS THE FOOD MENTIONED IN BOOKS.
They put out the bookish cookbooks these days, so let’s take it a step further and have full booknerdom cafes!! Because let’s face it: yes I know there’s a Game of Thrones cookbook. And no way am I going to cook out of it because I’m busy READING and I can’t cook.
Like I just burned fried eggs this evening. Also once I made an orange cake and it tasted saltier than my sense of humour. And another time I cracked a hardboiled egg on my sister’s head. <— Actually that was pure genius and not a cooking fail at all. Although she is scarred and won’t come near me if I have eggs. *
Anyway basically: someone do this. I want to order November Cakes from The Scorpio Races and all the cookies from To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before and the magical toffee trees from Narnia and all the food in Harry Potter.
* I’M THE KIND OF BIG SISTER YOU NEVER KNEW YOU WANTED.
6. BE HIRED TO JUDGE COVERS
I’m totally sure there is a team of people in publishing who get to sit down with company mugs and look at a slideshow of upcoming covers and then judge them. * Suggest tweaks. Ask for font changes. Point out colour inconsistencies. Ask why the model looks dead inside. Etc. Etc.
HIRE ME. I’m an epic cover judger as is, so like I wouldn’t even need to be trained!
* Just in case you think I know what I’m talking about because I am, in fact, about to be a published author…LMAO NO I’M MAKING EVERYTHING UP.
7. BAD BOOKS TO BE EDIBLE SO YOU CAN EAT THEM TO SMOTHER YOUR RAGE.
This is one of the best ideas I’ve had so far because let’s face it: there is nothing worse than wasting money on a bad book. Books aren’t cheap and money is hard to come by unless you’re hitting pirates on the head and going through their pockets for loose change after stealing their tricorn hat. (Totally…um, not my secondary job.)
So if books were made of chocolate = boom. Problems solved. We’d just eat the bad books and there would be so much ragey satisfaction in it.
Don’t ask about the good books you want to keep…maybe they can be, like, swapped for normal-books??? Don’t ask questions. If I wanted logic, I would’ve done origami or something. Instead I am blogging.
8. FOR GOOD BOOKS NOT TO ALL BE RELEASED AT ONCE.
It’s like a tidal wave, honestly. There comes to a few certain times of year and it’s just “THWACK”. Hit me with all the epic releases why don’t you?! I didn’t want to be able to stand anyway. I wanted a broken wallet.
And YES I realise this has to do with marketing and best-selling-times etc. etc. But tell my wallet and my impatience that.
9. BE PAID TO READ
“Caaaait,” you say patiently. “Just become an editor or a professional reviewer.”
But see…that’s a lot of work. What I really want, is to be paid to fangirl. I mean technically I am paid to read RIGHT NOW because I’m paid to write novels (WOW OH WOW) and I have to read them 398 times to make them make sense. I have read A Thousand Perfect Notes so so many times.
But come onnnn. I wish book blogging had an easier way to make money!! I WISH. Everyone should totally want to pay me to write reviews were I compare books to potato salad, right!?
10. LIBRARIES WITH LADDERS SO WE CAN RUN UP AND JUMP ON THE LADDER AND SLIDE MAJESTICALLY DOWN ROWS OF BOOKS.
This one is slightly more extravagant than the rest. But seriously are we even living if we don’t all secretly want to do something glorious and pretentious sometimes?? I also add a cloak fluttering behind us as we make this leap, but the cloak can be optional, weather depending.
But seriously: Libraries + books + more books + actual piles of books blocking the door = this is what bookworms want. Even if we can’t possibly read them, who doesn’t want to be surrounded by books?! Put me in a room of books, even if I can’t buy or keep them, and I JUST GET SO EXCITED.