Bookworms like to convince the universe that we are very very very smart.
It is a lie. A complete lie. And I can confidently say this because I know the inner workings of the bookworm mind SINCE I AM ONE. See there’s this thing called Bookworm Logic™ and it roughly translates to “something that makes no sense to non-bookworms, is bizarre, and probably dangerous, and yet makes PERFECT SENSE TO ALL BOOKWORMS“.
And even though we justify our Bookworm Logic until Armageddon and back again * — most of it is still entirely dubious.
Oh you want examples? OH WELL THEN. Lucky for you I am here to give examples. Today I’m listing 10 of the absolute worst pieces of Bookworm Logic. And look, we bookworms are strange and odd and somewhat nonsensical, BUT DON’T LET THAT STOP YOU, MY BOOKWORM FIENDS. Be who you are deep down inside. **
Also I acknowledge that not all bookworms will agree with my definition of these 10 pieces of bookworm logic. (We can’t all be right like I am, I suppose.) And there is a slim chance that only I THINK THIS WAY. But pfft, surely not. I’m sure you can all relate and that I’m perfectly normal. ***
* This sounds like a Tolkien novel?? Armageddon And Back Again?? OR POSSIBLY THE TITLE OF MY FUTURE MEMOIR.
** Unless you dog-ear pages and then, no sir, and stop.
*** Hands, hands? Do I see a show of hands? ….please?
1. “MY TBR IS ABOUT TO CRUSH ME.”
Average Logic: Perhaps stop acquiring books until potential of death is averted. Plus you already have such beautiful books on your TBR that you’ve looked forward to reading since time began and fish roamed the earth, so just read them and stop trying to eat 54 cupcakes at once.
Bookworm Logic: I’m dying anyway under my monstrous TBR. There is NO HOPE FOR THE FUTURE BUT TO GET MORE BOOKS. Plus I don’t want my TBR to be unfed and undernourished????? I must feed it????
2. “I’M BROKE.”
Average Logic: I won’t buy that book this week because I should adult and pay for food/rent/clothes/birthday present for Dear Aunt Algernon whom I love so very much.
Bookworm Logic: I could just eat tuna for the week???? And I can send Dear Aunt Algernon a postcard???? And I could live in a cardboard box on the street??? YES THAT’LL BE FINE, NOW I CAN BUY THIS BOOK.
3. “IF I READ THIS BOOK IN PUBLIC I MIGHT CRY.”
Average Logic: I’ll just save reading this book till I’m home because it’d be super awkward to be crying in front of a ton of people with only a paperback to blame.
Bookworm Logic: I’LL JUST CRY ALL OVER EVERYONE IF I MUST.
4. “MY BFF DOESN’T WANT TO READ MY FAVOURITE BOOK.”
Average Logic: That’s fair. Not every book is for everyone. I’ll find a different book to get them to read.
Bookworm Logic Part #1: I’ll duct tape them to a chair and prop the book in front of their eyeballs and refuse them food until they read it and I shall periodically pterodactyl screech in their ear until they they fall HOPELESSLY IN LOVE WITH IT LIKE I AM.
Bookworm Logic Part #2: Or we sacrifice them at dawn.
5. “EBOOK VS PHYSICAL BOOK?”
Average Logic: Both have their uses! Ebooks are great for travel and having access to more books and cheaper to collect! Physical books are beautiful to collect and are a physical representation of words and can be easier to read.
Bookworm Logic: PHYSICAL BOOKS SMELL NICER.
6. “THAT CHARACTER NAME IS SUPER HARD TO PRONOUNCE.”
Average Logic: I’ll google the pronunciation and get opinions from other bookworms and maybe listen to the audiobook sample to see how they say it.
Bookworm Logic: Look I’ve been mangling it all this time and there is like 2% chance that I’m ever going to change. IT’S STUCK LIKE THIS NOW. THERE IS NO HOPE FOR THE MORROW, FIENDS. GET USED TO IT.
7. “THAT BOOK COVER IS REALLY BEAUTIFUL, BUT WILL I LIKE THE STORY?”
Average Logic: I’ll read some reviews, get some opinions from close friends, try a sample on Amazon. Maybe I’ll borrow it from the library first to see if we mesh first so I don’t waste any money.
Bookworm Logic: But it’s pretty and it’ll be beautiful on my bookstagram account so I’ll just buy it and regret my life later.
8. “SHOULD I RECOMMEND THIS SUPER PAINFUL BOOK?”
Average Logic: I’ll make sure the humans of this galaxy know what they’re getting into before they try it. That way they won’t (A) be miserable and shocked because they weren’t expecting their feels to be skewered and barbecued like a lamb and coriander kebab, and (B) they won’t try to kill me for destroying their life.
Bookworm Logic: I’m going to give it to them and tell them it’s super nice. Then I’ll watch them suffer like I had to. THIS IS GOING TO BE GREAT.
9. “THIS REVIEW IS GOING TO BE REALLY HARD. HOW SHALL I TACKLE THIS?”
Average Logic: I’ll either think about it a bit longer and gather my thoughts or I’ll just madly type up what my feels are and leave it at that. But I better do it now before I forget too many details.
Bookworm Logic: Well I have (A) no idea what I think about this, (B) no idea how to star-rate it, (C) no idea what I’m doing, and (D) NO IDEAAAAAAA. So I’ll read some other reviews and totally befuddle my own opinion, and then I’ll look for the perfect gifs because #priorities. Oh and I’ll make a brownie. Or nine brownies. And then I’ll discover the life on Neptune and create my own language and find all my missing left socks. AND AFTER ALL THAT I MIGHT WRITE THE REVIEW. Might.
10. “I HATED THIS BOOK.”
Average Logic: I could get rid of it since it bothered me so much? Donate it, give it away, sell it?
Bookworm Logic: But what if I put it on shelf next to some EXCELLENT books so it learned, by direction and guidance and osmosis, how to be a better book? And if that fails I’m going to stack 92 books on top of it as punishment so it feels FOREVER SQUASHED just like my delicate temperament when it let me down. Or maybe I’ll wear it as a hat. OR MAYBE I’LL EAT IT. Or maybe I shall rename it Harold and use it as a mop.
Is there a chance Bookworm Logic will improve over time?
No, no there is not. In fact, the deeper you get into the bookworm life, the more incomprehensible bookworm logic you adopt and live by. NO NEED TO FRET THOUGH. We’re not alone. We’re in this together.
And there are some actual GOOD pieces of bookworm logic out there. For instance, Sensible Bookworm Logic decrees that (A) you can become BFFs with someone because you like the same book, (B) you can get fit weight-lifting hardcovers, and (C) you can successfully become addicted to Paper Fury posts even though THEY MAKE NO SENSE and you’re secretly only here for the cake and seeing what bizarre fiascos go on in the Queen Fury’s brain. This is solid logic. Good job. #YoureWelcome