I’m here today to absolutely gloriously hack your life.
In a good way! Maybe… Okay okay shh, shh. Don’t listen to those whispering voices * of doubt in the background because they know nothing, Jon Snow. I am here for you and I want to help make your bookworm life as easy and comfortable as can be. So I’ve put together 17 splendid bookworm #LifeHacks that will help you achieve success in your reading career. **
The trick is to follow my instruction really closely so you don’t accidentally summon the spirit of Napoleon. Also to ask an adult for help when using open flames.
You’ll be fine.
TIME TO HACK.
* FLEE !! WHILE !! YOU !! STILL !! CAN !!
** Don’t come at me with your “Reading isn’t a career, Cait” nonsense. It is. I’m just waiting to be paid for this. Any day now.
I also have some #Bookstagram Life Hacks for those of us who are photographish inclined! I may need to do writing and blogging life hacks too because obviously I sooooo know what I’m doing here and my levels of helpfulness are EXTREME.
Congrats to I and my thoughtful voice in this world.
LIFE HACK #1: IF YOU’RE NOT READING YOUR BOOKS, USE THEM FOR OTHER USEFUL PURPOSES.
We all get those doubters in our lives who start whining in a super nasally voice, “But whyyyyy do you need so many books?!? You’re only reading them once.” Well HA to you sir. Books can be used for more things than reading. The minute you start doubting a book’s capabilities, you have fallen.
For example, when not reading, try using your books for:
- general household decor
- weapons against the zombie apocalypse
- a hat
- a conversation starter because when you hit people with it, does this begin a discussion or what!
- something to save an extra seat
- a ladder to reach your higher shelves or perhaps heaven
- a door stopper, especially if it’s written by Brandon Sanderson because his books are square cubes
- an igloo to live in
- an instruction manual for life
- a dinner companion
- a fan to wave under your fire alarm to disperse smoke as it goes off because you tried to make a creme brûlée and failed because what even are you? a failure that’s what
- Or you can WEAR THEM. I don’t know. Be creative on your own.
LIFE HACK #2: IF YOU’RE OUT AND SUDDENLY REALISE YOU’RE WANTED FOR MURDER, USE A BOOK AS A DISGUISE.
Just hold it up in front of your face and walk briskly. There are slightly dangerous side-effects that include walking into people and walls and random angry cats and possibly in front of an ice cream truck and losing your left leg. BUT! At least people won’t see your face and you won’t be recognised as that infamous murderer.
Not that you would be an infamous murderer…haha haha…
LIFE HACK #3: ABSORB BOOKS AT NIGHT BY SLEEPING WITH THEM UNDER YOUR PILLOW.
This is guaranteed to both (a) help you get through your TBR pile way faster, and (b) give you a serious neck ache that’ll probably make you cry throughout the day. But isn’t that worth it for the books?
DO IT FOR THE BOOKS.
LIFE HACK #4: TREAT READING LIKE A PRIORITY.
People always ask me “OMG HOW DO YOU GET SO MUCH READING DONE!” and then follow it up by throwing small sharp objects at me. Which seems rude, but I’ll survive. And the truth is? Reading is a priority for me. This is also because I’m a writer, and you can’t be a writer without reading. You just cannot, you dear deluded fish. That’d be like being a baker and never eating food.
So I make time for reading, like I make time for lunch. Even if I just put aside that hour to get through 100 or so pages — IT HAPPENS.
I also don’t watch a lot (hahah…any?) TV or movies, I work from home so my schedule is flexible, I read fast, and if my family requires me to be social I send a dragon secretary in my place. It’s so cool because they don’t notice the difference.
LIFE HACK #5: IN ORDER TO GET THROUGH YOUR TBR, BE IMMORTAL AND LIVE FOREVER.
Although I’ve had this pointed out to me that your TBR will become as immortal as you are which seems like a step backwards??
So outwit your TBR. Be twice as immortal.
LIFE HACK #6: TYPOS DON’T KILL PEOPLE.
Unless, I guess, you’re texting your local hitman and say “hey I want to kill someone” when you meant to say “hey I want to kiss someone”. Then typos literally do kill. *
But otherwise, here is a lifehack that will avoid people wishing to scoop your eyes out with a spork and feed them to an intergalactic squid: don’t just point out typos and say nothing else! It’s like saying someone’s mistake is the ONLY thing worth commenting on. Ruuuude. It is like one of my top pet peeves, right after people referring to me as a common human when clearly I am much much more.
* BUT WHY THE HECK ARE YOU TEXTING A HITMAN ANYWAY???? WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU, SON???
LIFE HACK #7: IF YOU WRITE DOWN LISTS OF BOOKS YOU NEED TO READ ASAP YOU HAVE A VISUAL OF YOURSELF FAILING.
It’s a life hack because it can be motivating and invigorate you to try harder. It can also end up with you weeping into the carpet while it gently pats your back and soothingly collects your tears and sings calming lullabies about the moon.
So maybe don’t do this life hack, to be honest.
Also what is up with your carpet and should I be concerned.
LIFE HACK #8: YOU DON’T EVEN NEED TO COMMENT ON REVIEWS THAT HATE ON BOOKS YOU LOVE.
This one is so STUNNING in its wonderful complexity!! I mean, you see someone give The Raven Cycle 1-star…which is obviously absurd and ridiculous and actually murders your delicate soul.
You stop and ask yourself will telling them they are MORE STUPIDLY WRONG THAN THE INVENTION OF LETTUCE actually fix the situation??? You also ask yourself, “Is this a personal attack on me how they do not like my favourite book?” And then when the answer is NO and NO, you gooooooooo on your merry way without leaving a narky comment.
Look. World wars have been averted.
LIFE HACK #9: IF YOU WANT TO EAT + READ AND NOT MESS UP THE PAGES, JUST EAT FOOD YOU DON’T NEED HANDS FOR.
Like drink soup with a straw or hire someone to pop grapes into your mouth like you’re an ancient Caesar. Alternately, get someone else to hold the pages for you. I think you can hire people to do this specifically?? I think it’s called “servitude”. Or, if you have spawned offspring, you can force them to hold and turn pages for you, because why else did you have children.
Alternately: you could read an audiobook and then you can actually eat Caesar and all the croutons and messy dressing glory by yourself. And I mean, um, the salad. Not the man.
Why are you always talking about eating people, Cait, what the heck.
LIFE HACK #10: GET STICKERS EASILY OFF BOOK COVERS BY MURDERING THE PERSON WHO STUCK THEM ON THERE.
This can get a bit bloody but is 100% guaranteed to stop the problem happening again for others.
Also apparently you can use rubbing alcohol or a hair dryer or alternately just weep on the cover until all the moisture peels the sticker right off.
If the sticker is printed on the book cover, just…just go back to suggestion one. Kill them all.
LIFE HACK #11: WANT TO REMEMBER A QUOTE IN A BOOK? TAKE A PHOTO OF IT WITH YOUR PHONE.
This is for lazy queens like me who couldn’t be bothered actually taking notes like “excellent quote on pg 25, line 3” because who has time for that. UUUUGH. So I just take a photo of the page with the quote on my iPod and then the page number.
This is assuming you have a phone/iPod with you at all times but obviously you do because how else would you breathe oxygen.
LIFE HACK #12: NEED TO STOP BUYING BOOKS? PURCHASE PREORDERS INSTEAD.
This way they won’t come straight away so it doesn’t feel like you have a problem.
But you do have a problem.
Seriously, Jan, you do.
LIFE HACK #13: TOO MANY BOOKS TO READ? GO TO GOODREADS.COM AND ADD SOME MORE.
Wait wait wait…this…this doesn’t seem??? Like a hack???
I’m confused. Who’s writing this post, we need to talk —
LIFE HACK #14: CAN’T CHOOSE WHAT TO READ NEXT BECAUSE YOU’RE A MOOD READER? MAKE A TBR JAR!
Write all the books on your TBR onto little slips of paper, put it in a cute jar, shake the jar, and then pick out a paper! Congrats! You now officially know which book you don’t feel like reading.
Continue until you cry.
LIFE HACK #15: IS YOUR BOOK COVER CURLING BECAUSE OF THE HUMIDITY? PUT IT UPSIDE DOWN AND PUT MORE BOOKS ON TOP.
This’ll help straighten out the cover, unless it’s a queer book and then stop trying to change it, you monster. But putting the book upside down will make the cover flatten faster. This is a fact and not something I just made up. I SWEAR.
Also, alternately, you could just stop living in a humid place. I hear Jupiter is nice this time of year. I also own Jupiter and charge reasonable rent (like just your soul) so contact me.
LIFE HACK #16: WHEN WRITING BOOK REVIEWS, JUST PICK 3 THINGS TO FOCUS ON.
Sometimes reviews are haaard because what do YOU EVEN SAY?!?? So I generally pick three things to comment on and those (for me at least) are: (1) characters, (2) writing style/dialogue, and (3) how it made me feel overall. Notice I don’t generally talk about what the story’s ABOUT or the plot very much!? Because #spoilers. I like to go into books blind, so my reviews are generally very feels-focused.
Obviously you can pick ANY 3 things! Maybe you want to talk about themes, messages, or the plot (you can!! Just because I don’t doesn’t mean that’s the only way!) or even how often it mentions that the characters eat a delicious snack. But this is a great way to keep your review focused.
LIFE HACK #17: IF YOU’RE IN A BLOGGING OR READING SLUMP, TRY DOING SOMETHING COMPLETELY UNEXPECTED.
Instead of writing a review, write a list of 10 foods you hate. And instead of reading the next book on your TBR, go get something in a TOTALLY different genre to what you generally read! Honestly I absolutely gnawed like a wild gerbil through this adult book about vampires because I never never read that sort of thing. And it was different and intriguing.
Also identify WHY you’re in the slump. Is it because you have too much pressure on your reading time and you’re not reading books you want? Is it because you need a break? Is it because you’re too busy/tired? These things are all okay to feel! You can either solve them (say no to review-books and just read what you want!) or not put so much worry and pressure on yourself about them. Okay so you can’t read much this month because you want to nap and then stitch a blanket for your newborn penguin. THAT’S OKAY. LET YOURSELF.
No one said you had to read 500 books this year.
Take care of your self, your sanity, your health, your penguin son.
Or alternately — push through your slump. I actually do this and get over any slumping-ness by just telling myself I’m not slumping. I’m very stubborn. I have actually destroyed the existence of lettuce on planet earth just by believing it doesn’t exist. *