Paper Fury

There comes a time in every blogger’s life when they need to talk about themselves.

This time is like…all the time, honestly. Considering a blog generally equals = AN ENTIRE INTERNET SHAPED KINGDOM TO TALK ABOUT YOU AND YOUR OPINIONS. But hush. Technicalities. Today I want to talk specifically about meeeeee, your favourite book dragon, and my life and what I’m currently up to.

I also haven’t done an #AmCurrently post since, erm…February…2016. It’s possible I avoid talking about me BECAUSE I HAVE NO LIFE. But I’ll do my best, like the true warrior I am inside.

As I mentioned in my last monthly recap, I’M MOVING HOUSE.

In fact, as you read this, I am most likely in a car somewhere traipsing across Australia while aggressively listening to audiobooks to block out the fact that I hate travelling. I GET CAR SICK, OKAY? And I hate holidays, road trips, volcanic explosions, etc. etc. I like my warm hobbit hole, my daily routine…my WiFi.

Needless to say, moving house + being a rabid bookworm is a horrible decision really. I have 14 boxes of books. I’m sure I gave away or sold at least 50 too?!??? And then right as I finished sticky-taping up the last book — BOOM — the postman arrived with more books. Bless him. *

And I’m not going to lie: putting books in boxes, dismantling shelves, and trying to choose which books I’ll need to read on the way up is VERY VERY VERY HARD. I am an anxious grape, as I have mentioned, and have a diagnosed disorder (amongst other things) so moving house has been about as distressing as those gorgeous soaps people make that look like cakes, bUT NO THEY ARE SOAP. And you want badly to eat one. But no Cait. No. they. are. soap. And if that’s not distressing to us all, I don’t know what is.

I did have packing assistance from some professional packers.

Not totally sure I’d recommend this service because the smallest packer kept overloading boxes with books and the taller packer kept DECORATING THE BOXES WITH MY BOOKSTAGRAM PROPS. I can’t even. This was right after she made a “fairy garden” and unwrapped my lucky stars because “ARE THESE PRESENTS, CAIT?!” is a question that could only be answered by seeing for yourself, apparently.

I shall also be leaving my smol army (of nieces and a nephew) behind. Which is, obviously, the saddest thing.

And it’s about 2,000kms away. Here is a visual in case you’re from Jupiter and don’t know earth’s geography.

I’m the little dragon holding and evil glowing ball. I might destroy the world at some point. Or I might eat it. Options.

But there are some POSITIVES about moving: I bought a new bookshelf (!!!!!) and I’m going to have a kind of granny-flat / studio-room, which I plan to fill entirely with books and origami and dragon hatchlings. I may also turn into a granny. And I will have more time to write. I’m also bribing myself to stay sane with the promise of buying 3 hardcovers when I arrive. (I’m thinking preorders of Our Dark Duet, Eliza And Her Monsters, and The Gentleman’s Guide To Vice And Virtue??! Sounds good?!)

Is a room tour in order when I get there? LET ME KNOW IN THE COMMENTS. **

Also my parental gave me a small suitcase and mumbled something about “don’t forget to pack some clothes for the road trip” and I misheard and just filled it with books because #priorities.

* I’m actually concerned about the local delivery man and postie…like what are they going to do with all this free time that they’re not spending carting books to my house?????
** Blatant and shameless comment bribery. I can’t even with you, Cait.

Guess what happens on the 27th?! IT’S MY 6TH * BLOGVERSARY!

“But, um, Cait,” you say, tentatively as you poke your head in the oven to check your cupcakes aren’t burning because reading my blog always drives you to either distraction, spontaneous combustion, or forced cake-baking. “Cait, don’t you generally do a big celebration with lots of giveaways and an overabundance of all caps?”

First of all, excuse you. All caps are never in over abundance.

And secondly, YES I’M SORRYYYYYYYY. **

After I’m all moved, I’ll do a proper giveaway and celebratory post! However I do want to do a Q&A post! Except the only questions you probably want to ask me is is my aLL CAP KEY STUCK ON FOR GOODNESS SAKES TURN IT OFF, CAIT. And also maybe you want to inquire if I actually have a face. (Spoiler: I don’t. I’m a stack of books on legs.)

However if you do have questions (ABOUT ANYTHING!!) let me have at ’em! Queries about writing, blogging, bookstagram, or questions about meeeee and if I have hair, or my opinion on bread, or if I know where left socks disappear to.

I’ll answer them helpfully.

There’s a google form to submit questions below but if it doesn’t show up, link is here!

Until then I’m just going to eat cake.

I’d share but yet…

no.

* Wow. I suddenly feel really old in blogging years. I can literally feel my bones turning grey and my hair developing rheumatism.
** Okay. I see what you mean.

• How my books are just multiplying while I sleep. And this is a marvellous feat in itself because I barely ever sleep. But seriously, I stay in my Hobbit hole all the time??? WHERE ARE YOU ALL EVEN COMING FROM???

• My 2yo niece keeps micromanaging my life. Like if I’m fixing her a snack, she’s walking behind me going “BUT GET A BOWL CAIT. BUT CUT THE APPLE CAIT. WHERE IS MY BISCUIT CAIT.” Like I don’t know how to fix a snack, omg. She makes up for it by complimenting me though. Every time she sees me she says, “I like your shirt, Cait.” And if that doesn’t melt my cold dead heart, what will.

• Speaking of nieces, there’s a family resemblance, don’t you think? I think so.

• People keep asking me for writing tips and I dON’T KNOW HOW. No seriously. How do you write. I have no idea. There is no way for me to blank faster on any tips I’ve learned than to be asked “can you tell me how to outline???” DUDE. I CAN’T. Hats off to all of you blogs about writing advice. I’m about as coherent as a dead turtle in soup trying to make a bid for freedom.

• You know how people say “things are better shared with someone you love”?? They obviously didn’t mean cake.

• There are only SIX books on my “best of 2017 shelf”. That seems pitiful considering it’s already nearly June???? 2017, please step up your game. However, they are:

I can’t even with how much I love them though. CAN’T EVEN.

ME + A BOOK I’M IN LOVE WITH

• I’ve officially read 111 books this year! Because I’m stress-reading and have no life!!

• I was interviewed on Bookstr which was pretty exciting!! They gave me a pretty lovely write up on how #FABULOUS I am, which I was sooo not expecting and it kind of made my day. Plus 3K shares on facebook?!?????? Dude. I’m famous. I don’t even know why but I accept.

• Contemporary novels are WAY harder to write than fantasy. Pfft to whoever says fantasy is hard. HAHAAHHA. No. You try writing a contemporary when you homeschooled, have never been to hospital, aren’t romantic, a wild night equals losing your book amongst your bed covers and having to search for it, and 86% of your humour is derived from Lemony Snicket and tumblr memes. Someone pls remove me from being an author before I damage something.

• I’ve also been thinking about…how the more followers I get, the less people think I’M A REAL PERSON. Which is nonsense. I don’t have a face, but I’m still real and I have feelings. I have at least 3 of them. Maybe even 4 on a good day, like Tuesdays. Having a lot of followers shouldn’t equal people assuming they can be rude. I care about you all just as much as I did when there were 5 of you.

• Why don’t people like pineapple on pizza???? I…do?? #EqualLoveForPineapples

• My bullet journal is sTILL not writing itself. I’m so done with its rudeness. And it’s also getting monstrously thick, even though I’ve done like 10 pages all up…because I keep using scrapbook paper to hide the fact I can’t art. Or write. What is handwriting. How does one do it.

Me: *zentangles half a thing*
Me: *gets tired halfway thru and abandons ship*
Me: *tries to do a rainbow page with watercolour pencils*
Me: *goes to paint it and realises they were not watercolour pencils*
Me: Ok that’s my art quota filled for the next 65 years.

• Writing is all fun and games until your family asks to read it. It is 6000 x easier to query and sign with an agent and work with professionals than it is to pry a book out of my cold dead paws and hand it over to my family to read. I LOVE YA, FAMILY, BUT THE PRESSURE. DO I LOOK LIKE A RICE COOKER TO YOU? NO. GOD SAVE THE QUEEN AND ALSO ME, THANKS.

My writing life has been INSANE this year.

I’ve been escapism-writing because THIS YEAR HAS BEEN STRESSFUL. So far I’ve written: 8 outlines and 3 novels for a collective of 500,000 words. How? We don’t know.

And I’m so so so so excited for a project I just finished outlining. I’ve mentioned it here and there in monthly recap posts but it’s basically the BIGGEST project I’ve ever tackled. It’s an adult fantasy 5-book series about two con artist brothers who decide to rob 5 countries to distract everyone from going to war. Which goes about as well as you’d think with MEEEEE being the author. [insert evil author glee here] It’s huge, peoples. It’s huge. The 5th book outline was 40,000 words and I think my brain removed itself to Guadeloupe to recover. It’s sassy and full of heist plots and it’s super super dark and I’ve never been more proud of something since I learned how to say “gnat” without pronouncing the “g”.

NOW I NEED TO WRITE IT SO SO BADLY. I’M 99% SURE IT IS THE KIND OF PROJECT THAT WILL NEVER SELL. BUT I’M SO SO PROUD OF IT AND I DON’T EVEN CARE.

And I 100% believe it’s okay to write things for yourself. Because, well, WHO KNOWS if a miracle might happen and you become a bestseller and HBO turns it into the next Game of Thrones 6-season show. But also: everything you do improves your writing. And also helps you to discover just how mean you can be to your characters.

Spoiler: I can be very mean.

I’m considering doing a full post to tell you about so let me know if you’d like that too. SO MUCH COMMENT BRIBERY TODAY. WOW, CAIT.

OTHER PROJECTS I’M HALF WORKING ON:

• I’m editing my contemporary Goldilocks retelling. It’s going about as well as pouring honey on my head and running into a wall.
• Possibly working on another contemporary. This one about a boy who nearly dies, only to return to his hometown and discover his BFF wrote a book starring him, but killed him off at the end and she’s now famous for it and this is severely awkward.
• Half toying with the idea of an immortal who is 50000% sick of being a teen. I mentioned this idea in my recent IDEA BRAIN EXPLOSION POST and it’s caught me so bad.
• Slightly despairing because these are all the ideas I have to write:

I need a holiday from myself.

And before you ask whether I’m a writing machine, or never sleep, or how do I find time? The answer is: exactly.

But the important part? Writing makes me happy [insert me strangling part of brain that is screaming about lies] and excited. SO SO EXCITED. I can’t even with how excited I get about my projects. So I know I’m doing something write. HA HA GET IT? RIGHT = WRITE???

Yes I’ll show myself out.

Hiatus? Just a smidge.

I may have posts scheduled??? But I will be sparse online until I’m moved in. Feel free to comment, email, message — ALL THE THINGS. I’ll get back to you! I’LL MISS YOU, ARGENTINA. Try not to burn down the moon while I’m going because firstly: rude. And secondly: that’s my job.

woah enormous post, oKAY SO I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THAT LIFELY UPDATE. and let me know if you move house often??! also to the writers: do you have any upcoming projects that you’re BUSTING OUT OF YOUR BRAINS with excitement for? what has been everyone’s top reads of 2017??? and is soap shaped like cakes a tragic insult: yes or no?

It is high time I gave you a tour of my natural habitat.

I call it my “evil lair” because of being a nefarious dark overlord of all, obviously. But the unfortunate fact is my room is also an explosion of colour and rainbow arrays. This is obviously to throw people off. Keep my dark identity a secret. Ensure that when my enemies come, they will get confused by my shiny pretty collections and leave in bewilderment so I can smite them all later very efficiently.

It’s not because I am secretly a colourful piece of shiny dragonish sparkle.

I am not.

I am fierce.

So while you’re keeping that in mind, WELCOME TO MY ROOM. I do such a scant amount of life posts anyway, so this shall be a fun and wild rabbit trail from my usual shouting-about-books schedule. Although I’m still going to be shouting about books here because, spoiler: my room is one big book.

Now my room is entirely my favourite place on this earth.

This is for many reasons including:

• IT’S MIIIIINE ALL MINE AND I DO WHAT I WANT.
• I spend a lot of time in my room because I work from home so it’s like my tiny house, my office, my workspace, my relax space, and my hobbit hole all in one.
• As I might have mentioned, I have severe social anxiety amongst other things, * so my room is also my safe space.
• It’s full of books so why else wouldn’t I love it.
• And I also write all the books of ever here so basically words. Words everywhere. Eventually (WHEN I’M A FAMOUS PUBLISHED AUTHOR) this will be my career space.
• But it’s unfortunately devoid of food??? So I do have to exit it on occasion.

* Which is why I work from home and hopefully will eventually make a career out of writing to fully support myself so dON’T assume my life is all pineapple pie with hoooours to simply read and write. I show you my hAPPY SELF as is my right and preference. Effie Trinket would be proud.

Right so here is where you walk in.

Basically you enter my room and — BOOM THERE’S A BOOKSHELF AND A CELLO. Two incredible things. The cello is in a dire state of disuse due to me realising that preforming made me want to fling myself into the void of space and be eaten by whatever monsters lurk in Illuminae, basically. I would like to keep practising. But. Time. Where is it. Why have I none.

If you close my bedroom door you get to see the glorious mind-map that is one of my many fantasy novels. They just look better in spiderweb array, okay???? I want to be Sherlock when I grow up.

I’ll get there. Give me time.

Now if you’ll all just turn companionably to the left, you’ll see my PRIDE AND JOY AND ONE TRUE LOVE OF MY LIFE.

In rainbow order. Obviously.

I have people ask me “how can you even find anything???” to which I just stare at them blankly because I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE EVERY BOOK IS. All these shelves are double stacked too, by the way, and I know what’s behind them without looking. I can’t remember if my niece is named Jupiter or Juniper * but I 100% know where to find Fire & Flood or Roseblood or More Than This.

bOOm.

Although, the shelfie photos I put on instagram do lie. Because…erm, okay fine…just look up?

* True story bro. It’s…it’s not a proud moment.

I don’t have enough shelves.

But who does?

I was trying to get those stacks to reach to the ceiling but then I started to ask myself “Cait. Do you want to DIE BY BOOKS???” and the answer was no, so I’m being a little less ambitious with how tall I stack them.

Right! Now if you look straight ahead…

MY GLORIOUS BEAUTIFUL DESK!

Okay. #Lies. This desk was my little sister’s. I stole it from her due to her leaving home for uni (to study flute; the nerd) and I scampered through her room and stole things. Like this desk. Also see those two tall thin bookshelves next to it? Also hers.

THANKS, SMOL SISTER!! I LIKE YOUR STUFF!!

Anyway, this is the first time I’ve ever had a desk that hasn’t been recycled through 4 other siblings first. Like wooo! Only second hand!! I’ve moved up in the world!!!

#ActualGoals: own a new desk someday all mine own.

Since my new acquisition of this desk, I actually spend a lot of time typing at it instead of on my bed!! Look at me being and adult or something!!

All the books in the desk-shelf are…erm…my TBR. Don’t judge me. In February last year I won 29 books so that didn’t help matters. Then there’s library sales — WHICH I AM TRASH FOR. If a book is 50 cents you better believe I need to adopt it.

The skinny bookshelves are like 98% hardcovers so basically I’M SO HAPPY I COULD CRY. Two years ago I never bought a single book for myself. Then I got hired to do freelance book reviews and paid in vouchers…and my life began. #MomentOfHappyScreeching

My parental feeds my #bookstagram fake flower addiction with super cheap flowers from garage sales.

Look at all this representation of my darkness.

I’m so fierce though.

And I probably shouldn’t have a portrait of me on my own desk. But at least I’m looking at something lovely.

FYI you can get the “Reading Solves Everything” mug at my Society6 store. #UnashamedSelfPromo

Hey WHAT IS THAT YOU SEE????? A BULLET JOURNAL!!

I keep telling myself I want to art more. And look. This year I’m doing it. With much encouragement from Lisa, bless her. I am by no means doing very much or very well and it bothers me immensely to be arting and always unhappy with it. Because you’re a beginner, Cait, and beginners suck so practise, mate. Egh. Practise. EGHHH.

But here…have some more bullety photos. Also I think it’s called a “bullet journal” because by page 3 you kind of want to fill it with actual real bullet holes. No??? Just me???

I’ll most likely do a bullet journal post eventually. When I am a little less horrified at my own handwriting that is.

Now next to my desk is my Wall Of Penguin.

Because what else do you do when you buy a box of 100 Penguin Postcards??? I mean I could send them to people but my name is actually Scrooge and also I want to keep them.

Unfortunately they’re warping in the weather because the nickname for my town is The Wok, meaning it’s as humid as a greenhouse and transforms most of us into limp noodles in a stirfry. The other nickname of my town is the Rainbow Region because of the large local LGBTQIA+ community and also because it rains SO FRIKKIN MUCH that there are lots of rainbows to try and make we limp noodles a little happier. But we’re not.

I digress.

OH LOOK!! MY BED WHERE I DO NOT SLEEP BECAUSE INSOMNIA!!

Or should I say my dog’s bed.

He spent the first 4 weeks after we bought him crying in his little bed on the floor. I GAVE UP. What was I supposed to do????? Now I get 13% of one edge and he gets the rest.

Heinous little beast of floof and cutedom. He’s a Schnoodle, by the way = schnauzer x poodle. And he doesn’t like to get his paws wet on grass or take baths or go for walks or be cuddled unless he decides to be or have anyone tell him what to do ever.

So basically I own a cat who sits like a frog.

Also before we move COMPLETELY away from the photo of my bed…I hope you saw my Stiefvater and Schwab shrines up there. THEY ARE MY PRIDE. The Scorpio Races doesn’t fit on the Stiefvater shelf, but that’s okay because eventually I’ll have two Stiefvater shelves and my life will be infinitely better. I need to work on my Schwab hardcover collection but they’re so freaking expensive??? Like yes please I’d like a hardcover of Vicious and also just let me sell my soul real quick and my sister’s left kidney and my non-existent first unborn son and all his future friends.

I’m also currently reading Gemina at this time. Because I want to hurt.

Also this is my view from when I sit on my bed.

Now you know the secret of how I write so much and so fast. Because I spend a huge amount of time looking out this window since my job description is Author Who Stares Vaguely Out Of Windows 90% Of The Time. ISN’T THAT INSPIRING?!?? All the trees are a koala reserve so nobody lives there (#YAS) because who likes people around. Haha no way.

We have a lot of wildlife out there too. In the 6 years we’ve lived here, I have seen:

• bazillion wallabies (basically an every day occurrence)
• koalas quite frequently
• kookaburras and lorikeets which my dad feeds on our verandah
• blue tongue lizard which I thought was a snake at first and thought about never leaving the house again
• actual huge goanna, and I’m talking METRES LONG. In fact my older sister’s husband is American and he thought it was a crocodile in our yard. Hahah. Americans. So funny.
• python…yeah. an actual snake. but haven’t seen it in years
• other birds like finches, kurrawongs, willy wag tails, owls, king parrots, honey eaters blah blah etc etc
• I ACTUALLY HATE BIRDS FYI I GOT ATTACKED BY A KOOKABURRA AS A CHILD AND AM #DAMAGED
• the neighbours chickens
• foxes
• bunyips
• evil that does not sleep

Look! ANOTHER BOOKSHELF.

This one I got from…

…my….

…sister too?

Okay so it seems I have a slight theft problem with furniture.

Also it’s really bothering me that I’ve got The Winner’s Curse series in backwards. What even, Cait. Why can’t you be functional.

My last wall is actually wardrobe doors, but if you think that means they’re boring…HA! YOU’RE SO WRONG!

I’ve covered them with more spiderwebs of book ideas. And also I have an Etsy store (#UnashamedSelfPromoMomentPart2) which you should buy things out of and support my world domination plans. But the thing with making and selling art is that you have to put it somewhere. So I basically just enjoy my mobiles made for small babies.

You are never too old for origami mobiles.

This is the part where you buy one, by the way…

Plus more and moooooore spiderwebs to represent books I’ve edited and then wanted to burn. As is the writer’s life. The drawings were all my first attempts at zentangling and you know what? I’M NOT WINNING ANYTHING FOR MY ART. But I enjoy it and colour is nice.

WAIT WAIT WAIT.

Colour is non-essential and I do not fraternise with it.

Thus concludes the 4 walls of my room!

You know where your evil queen and lord of all exists now. It is my pocket of everything I love in this world. (Except for food. We’ve established that is a problem.) And now you know where I write and read and listen to audiobooks while I origami and get bossed around by my heinous dog who eats my #bookstagram props and sits on my head and yet I persist in loving him.

This is where I art. It took me 23 years of life to have my room look like my WILD MIND AND IMAGINATION OF ART threw up on it and I’m immensely pleased I’ve finally gotten here. It also amuses me no end how this is my inspiration setting and I write completely dark and bloody books. I’m great.

And this is where I’ve just realised that if my books rise up in the night to attack me for not loving them all equally, I’m going to be severely outnumbered. But that’s just the kind of risk I’m willing to live with.

does your room look how you want it to? or is that still THE DREAM for someday? do you have enough bookshelves (haha stupid question) do you have a pet? and the most important question: how do you organise your bookshelves???

Various humans request I talk more about me. MEEEEE. This is partially nice (because of course you want to know more about your overlord’s glorious life) and partially terrifying (because I am an anxious pinecone and what should I say????). But I then I remembered, back when dinosaurs roamed the earth, I did an #AmCurrently post. AND IT WAS FUN. Then Liz @ Out of Coffee, Out of Mind tagged me for a get to know you tag, which also sounds fun.

With these two astonishing facts colliding, I decided:

• I should do a post about aaaaaall the glorious catastrophes that are happening in my skull.
• I should also mildly introduce myself (to the newbie followers! Hello, by the way. I like you all very much.)
• I should probably just shriek about things in general because it is pleasing to me.

I WILL DO IT ALL.

Except I will cheat? IT’S WHO I AM, BOB. I won’t do the tag in full (but you can see all the questions properly on Liz’s blog).

NAME: Cait (pronounced like “Kate” and even though this is the most common name in the world, only exactly 2% of humans I’ve encountered can even spell my name right, dangit).

OTHER TITLES: Mostly “your majesty” but I also answer to “cake” because it’s basically my name anyway.

OCCUPATION: Being fabulous. Raising an army so when my book is published I shall rise swiftly to fame and glory. Full-time writer. Etsy business owner. Freelance blogger. Thief in the night. Anxious creature of frequent disaster. Master of all villainy.

HAIR AND EYEBALLS: My hair is dark brown (not black, don’t even say it) and is Italian in spirit and my eyes are light brown. I, sadly, will not star in a YA novel with these eyeballs. Except they are sort of goldish as well as brown? So maybe I would be a side-character with wonderful entrancing eyes who DIES TRAGICALLY AND IS NEVER FORGOTTEN. #RIPFictionalCait

BEST FEATURE: My delightfully sharp elbows that are grand weapons.

RIGHTY OR LEFTY: Arrr me righty, mate.

SPORTS: Avoiding adulthood; training dragons; running for my life from said dragons when they’re in moods; also just plain running because I’m training for the apocalypse — ARE YOU????

FAVOURITE SHOW: Oh this is torture. I’ll say Supernatural (of course) and add in Agent Carter because Peggy is my superhero.

FAVOURITE COLOUR: Orange. It’s sunset orange, PEEEEETA.

FAVOURITE SONG: Silence. I LOVE SILENCE. Blissful silence oh, come to me darling. Ahem. But I also like The Hanging Tree sung by Jennifer Lawrence because a) Hunger Games obsession, and b) fabulously morbid.

FAVOURITE BOOKS: Darn this suffocatingly cruel question.

DREAM CAREER: Hermit. On a little island (with WiFi, duh). With an entire house of books. Each room would be a different genre, by the way. (The kitchen being fantasy because that’s the strength of my cooking skills.) I would be paid to read books, write reviews, and publish my fabulous novels.

WANT TO BE MARRIED: Ah, no thank you. (I have manners.) Somedays I need to introvert from my SELF.

BELIEVE IN GOD? Why yes. LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT? If it’s a bookshelf, heck yes. ALIENS? I would like to think God didn’t put ALL his creativity into humans on earth. Because we are not the cleverest. HEAVEN AND HELL? Why yes, although I don’t necessarily think they’re like humans envision they will be. GHOSTS? Let’s just say my dog spends a lot of time barking at nothing and I generally insist that he’s protecting me from ghosts. YOURSELF? I’m fairly sure I exist. But not entirely. I could honestly be a very clever internet robot.

• That my TBR honestly grows when I’m not looking at it. THIS IS A PROBLEM OKAY?!? Last year I told myself “Minimise the ARCs! Don’t go on Netgalley! Focus on being on top of the TBR not squished underneath it HUZZAH!” And it worked. So what even happened this year??! WHO CAN KNOW. Every time I finish one book…4 more appear.

• But I so desperately want to read all the stories. It is this gargantuan suffocating NEED IN MY SOUL, OKAY?!?!? I want to read them all.

• I’m suddenly in love with my iPod/kindle/ereader. It’s very easy to curl up with my teeny tiny iPod when I’m very very tired instead of wrangling a disagreeable paperback.

• I’m thinking about how, the bigger my blog grows, the less room I seem to have for mistakes. Am I telling myself this? Is the internet telling me? But I’m notoriously scared I’ll miss greeting a new commenter and they’ll think I’m a snob. Big bloggers get labelled “snobs” SO OFTEN AND IT SCARES ME. I want to be friendly and welcoming and answer all the comments and visit back to all your blogs! But time is emphatically disagreeable to me at the moment. I love blogging SO SO MUCH, but I admit to being overwhelmed on occasion. It’s possible I just overthinking everything…

• I’ve been fretting a little over how my instagram (and blog) aren’t particularly aesthetically consistent. I arrange my photos different all. the. time. Somedays I use graphics. Somedays it’s photography. Somedays I go for minimalism, and other days I like the cluttered look. DOES THIS MATTER?

• I’M OVER THINKING EVERYTHING.

• Speaking of blogging…my STATS EXPLODED THE OTHER DAY. And I don’t even know what I did so I can repeat it?!? But I felt monstrously famous for like 3 days. Now I feel like a normal grape, don’t worry.

• I’m still limiting how much I read! WHICH IS HARD WORK. I’m only allowed to read 20 books per month. For my over-achieving brain, this is torture, but dudes, I need more time to edit and work my home business and, like, ART MAYBE. (I would art if I had the time.) But it is very hard not to compete against myself right now.

• Choosing which books to buy is ACTUALLY REALLY HARD. I’ve never had this problem??? Until I started freelancing at Boomerang Books and I get paid in book vouchers. (DREAMS. COME. TRUE.) For the first time in 21 years I can buy whichever books I want. (Like, 3 of them.) But…choosing??? Omg???? I have a mini-meltdown every time pay day comes. THIS IS WHY I SHOULDN’T BE ALLOWED TO ADULT.

I opened my Society6 store a few weeks back and…AM JUST SERIOUSLY ASTOUNDED BY THE RESPONSE. Cue freakish flailing! Because a) apparently people like my designs, and b) I have made many sales, and c) it is really really fun.

But figuring out how to do promos without sounding spammy on twitter and instagram? HAH AHAHAH….no. I have no idea. I’m horrible at advertising.

This is me advertising, basically: MY STUFF IS NICE ERGO GO BUY IT AND SUPPORT MY DREAMS OF GROWING UP TO BE A BOOKSHELF.

Sheesh, all advertising tips and tricks are welcome. Throw ’em at me.

Writing. Oh you precious little beast. My brain has taken it upon itself to turn into an Idea Factory. I have 10 ENTIRE NOVELS in my head waiting to be written. And remember that post I wrote about historical retellings I wish existed? HA. My brain took that as a personal invitation to invent more books. COMPLETE BOOKS. Plots. Characters. Tragedy. Muuuuurder. All the fun things.

I may explode with the need to write.

Or I might take off a week from blogging in early March and actually write.

Whichever option sounds less messy?

Here is the list of idea folders in my Scrivener:

Help me. I have drowned. Most of them even have full outlines written out now. AND I LOVE THEM ALL, THE PRECIOUS LITTLE FIENDS.

Top Currently Stewing Ideas Of Torturous Marvel:

• A Dystopian Mongolian Story: Which officially ended up as a pinterest board last night — which means it. is. happening. It is about world domination, tortured boys, girls who shoot things, vegemite and dragons (!!!!!!!) It’s very hard to find pictures to represent the cast, however, since they are all mixed-culture kids. Hmmph, pinterest, you fail me.
• A Story of Wanderlust: Basically yes please to this new novel (currently called The Minnow and the Moon) which is about a wanderlusting boy and a slightly psychotic girl who stabs at things.
• (WHY DO ALL MY BOOKS INVOLVE STABBING OR SHOOTING THINGS????????)
• I also want to re-write The Spider Queen. Badly want to re-write. And yes, you guessed it: it involves much stabbing of things. Assassins and Russian fantasy and the most complex romance I’ve ever written. “Why is it complex?” you ask. OH MY LITTLE PINEAPPLES. Everyone is secretly trying to kill everyone else but actually deciding they loooooove each other. #ItsComplicated It’s my most aesthetically pleasing pinterest board, by the way.
• And OF COURSE I’m finishing off edits for The Dead Boy and the Paper Cut! Which is up to chapter 16 (!!!!) on Wattpad. Over halfway, mortals! It’s basically a story of ghosts and library fines and cake. And stabbing. (Dangit. You knew I’d say that, didn’t you?)

Finding time to edit my Dead Boy has been monstrously difficult. This is mostly because I spend much time blogging and accidentally napping. I have the dragon secretaries on the matter, though. Either they’re locating me a time-turner OR they’re doing the editing for me. I suspect it is the last one because all my characters keep dying. SURELY THAT’S NOT MY DOING???? #innocent

Marvellous idea. Truly inspired.

Next up? To re-write The Spider Queen or start off a new first-draft. DECISIONS ARE TOO HARD. I’m going to go cake instead.

well this was a pleasant splodge into my world at the moment. BUT WHAT ABOUT YOU?!?? it’s definitely time to virtually exchange tea and scones and talk about all the things. is your TBR overwhelming? have you had any startlingly new delicious book ideas? what’s your dream career? how do you feel about consistent photos/themes/graphics? also DO YOU LIKE LIFELY POSTS? CAN I CHALLENGE YOU TO DO ONE NOW?

Even though I’m a dedicated bookworm, I do occasionally abandon my books for other things. Like food. (Very important.) And even babysitting. Sitting on babies and baking combine admirably, though things end up very sticky but HEY: it’s part of living.

Since I’ve discussed at length the goopy calamities that is baking with my niece and nephew, I thought, “WELL, THEN, CAIT. JUST REVIEW THE PROCESS LIKE A BOOK.” And how can I ignore my own genius suggestions?

So therefore…

I went into this recipe book with high expectations. SO MUCH HYPE. And I won’t lie: the hype gets me 99% of the time. And who hears the phrase “Chocolate Chip Biscuit” without gobs and gobs of expectations??

The list of ingredients cover was quite minimalistic which is such a relief. I hate being whacked in the face with, like, 99 characters and a million pages. GIVE ME SIMPLICITY OR GIVE ME DEATH. (I’m totally sure that’s the saying, right?) It’s also a unique recipe because it’s dairy/grains/sugar free. Most of the ingredients are air and hope.

I also decided to buddy bake read with my niece and nephew, who are, respectively, two and four years old. Although their birthdays ARE NEARLY HERE as I get told 87 times a day when I’m around them. (Birthdays are terribly exciting, okay?!? Niece is having 3 cakes [one for each year of her life, and I think that’s wise] in the shapes of an owls and snowman and a house. I got told this for the #980429 time today.)

The baking book started off quite slowly. Is it too early to judge and say I expected more? I mean, I could see where it was going, plot-wise, but I don’t know about that introduction. I’m not hooked by ground almonds. WHERE IS MY HOOKY FIRST SENTENCE?

And the writing was irritating and jerky. AGH. NOT OKAY. Get the eggs. Beat them. Set aside. I mean, would it kill you to add in some description so I could see the world-building??

It also gives George RR Martin a run for his money with killing characters. The almonds are beaten to death and then the eggs viciously smashed and GAWSH, THAT’S A BIT GORY, DON’T YOU THINK???!

Definitely high in violence. Sheesh.

A QUICK OVERVIEW OF THE CHARACTERS:

• Almond meal: It’s introduced and then totally discarded, like hello?! WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? We get a small army of them and then they’ve got no future use until the end of the recipe book?!
• Butter and Not-Sugar-But-Kinda-Like-Sugar: The diversity of the Not-Sugar-But-Kinda-Like-It was very impressive. TOP MARKS FOR MINORITIES! WOOT! Although the way Butter and Kinda-Sugar got together in their little smushy romance was maybe a bit rushed? It’s barely chapter two, peoples. Chill.
• Honey: STICKY. That’s all I can say. VERY STICKY. And everywhere. Like what was Honey’s motive? It just seemed all over the place and I’m preeeetty sure it’s building up for a love-triangle between Honey, Butter and Not-Sugar.
• Egg: I can only feel sorry for them. BRUTALLY MURDERED AS SOON AS INTRODUCED.
• Baking powder: It played such a tiny part but uber important.
• Coconut flour: To be honest? I skim read. Totally didn’t realise it was supposed to be there until it came in the end and I was like “wut”. #mybad
• Chocolate chips: To be honest, this is the ONLY character I actually care about. If you’re going to put the character’s name in the book title, then you know they’ve GOT to be epic. NO disappointments, absolutely none. FIVE STARS FOR THIS ONE RIGHT HERE.

I also highly approved of the diversity of the Thermomix genre. You don’t see genres like this everyday!

The pacing was fast…but I liked that! No lingering around beating eggs for a million years with useless plot devices and it’s definitely character driven. But is it just me, or is the baking powder TOTALLY thrown in at the end??! Slack character development there.

And when the chocolate chips fiiiiinally arrived — OH IT WAS EVERYTHING I COULD EVER WANT AND MORE.

Although someone who will not be named (but is under 4 feet tall) DROPPED THE BOX AND THERE WERE CHOCOLATE CHIPS EVERYWHERE. And they responded with “Cait, clean that up.” To which Cait had to do so, rapidly, before the resident puppy joined in. But sheesh. Slave labour much?! I want my rights.

Although as a buddy-reading baking group, we did all agree the violence was pretty intense. The niece needed help cracking her egg getting through the egg murder bit and the nephew had to go wash his hands of the cruelty. He even took a small break and went and did something quiet and uplifting to cleanse himself of the horror.

But once we finally hit the climax? IT WAS ALL EXCITEMENT AND DANGEROUS SQUID SQUEAKS FROM THEN ON. Although the nephew DNF’d it (did not finish) and left for good. I think it was the eggs that ruined it for him?? The niece is NOT easily put off and she loved the finale. Especially how all the characters came together so strongly?! BRILLIANT. She ate it right up. (No really. She did.)

AND THERE TOTALLY IS A LOVE TRIANGLE. Definite chemistry between Butter and Honey and Not-Sugar, and…wait…is it a square? I swear the baking powder was flirting. Not happy, Jan. I don’t like triangles or squares or hexagons.

But just before the grand and epic finale… it all sort of fell apart. There was this weird scene where NOTHING HAPPENED. Nada. No wonder my nephew DNF’d. We all ended up taking a baking reading-break and playing chess.

Because that’s how I babysit, you better believe it. Chess and chocolate.

Final verdict? MIXED FEELINGS. The build up was slow but the finale was worth it. Although sticky. And a lot of the biscuits rose to gargantuan sizes in the oven characters developed more than I thought they would.

I’ve tasted read better though. WHAT?! I’m not cynical, I just have very refined and decided taste. Definite MUST TASTE READ for anyone who likes obscure food books, Just don’t SKIM READ THE COCONUT FLOUR, GOSH DARNIT. Or you get gloop. But tasty gloop.

The niece was monstrously pleased with the outcome and wishes to reread. Immediately. 

THANK YOU TO MYSELF FOR COOKING AND ALSO TO THE CHOCOLATE CHIPS FOR EXISTING. Chocolate Chip Biscuits by Some Paleo Cook Somewhere is available for purchase wherever almonds and perseverance are sold.

Almonds span decades. Baking can last a lifetime. And the struggle for the Oven has begun.
As Warden of the north, Lord Eggard counts it a curse when King Honey bestows on him the office of the uniting the realms of almonds. Caught in webs of lies and deceit and baking powder, Eggard must decide where his loyalties lie. Should he tell Honey that Queen Not-Sugar has a secret thing going on with Butter? Is the realm of Almonds really safe? Is there evil rising with the baking powder?! And is coconut, in exile for so long, making a comeback with an army of dragons sculpted from chocolate?!? Eggard can trust no one as he fights for justice — or he will crack.
For Fans of The Dessert Games and A Game of Cookies.

are you a fan of chocolate chip biscuits/cookies? HA STUPID QUESTION. OF COURSE YOU ARE. but here’s a toughie: biscuits/cookies or cake? (no you can’t say both) i hope you enjoyed my “book review” because yum.

I don’t generally blog about me and my life (aside from books, obviously) because of several reasons. Mostly, a) I’m not exciting, b) I really hate having my picture taken like I loathe it with the fire of a thousand suns, and c) did I mention how much I hate photos?

BUT. It’s Easter. I was photographing Skulduggery Pleasant 6: Death Bringer (as you do) and noticed the delicious photos of hot cross buns on the camera and I thought, “Now, Cait. You have new followers. No doubt they’d like to see your [fabulous] face. No doubt it’d be fun to show them the delicious food you cooked and then laugh because they cannot eat any.”

And I’m also tolerably proud of cooking hot cross buns with a 2 and 4 year old and avoiding several calamities (of which include having a tablespoon of salt nearly dumped into the mixture).

So let me tell you about the time I Made Hot Cross Buns With Preschoolers Which Could Have Ended In Calamity But Instead Was Delicious.

And my family can refrain from smirking that I used the very photos I glared at them for taking. I maintain my glare! But, eh, blog before privacy, I suppose.

It started off like any other time I bake in my house. My mum spied me and said, “HERE. YOU. COOK THIS.” To which, I agreed because I have a gargantuan weakness for sultanas (raisins). But please! Understand this! Cooking is not an easy feat for me. I’ve been notoriously bad at it all my life due to always misreading recipes. (I swear they write them weirdly on purpose.) I’ve destroyed a lot of things. Don’t ask me about the orange cake. It wasn’t my fault.

But, apparently, the “you” in Mum’s sentence was misconstrued and floated across the kitchen to the ears of two small (half-naked as usual) children who though she meant THEM.

She didn’t.

But try telling them that, when their sticky paws were already dragging chairs into the kitchen.

Now, it’s very important to understand that my nephew and niece know EVERYTHING. I know nothing next to these know-it-alls, duh. They know how to cook and they know how to use a Thermomix (which is a fabulous creation of humankind that weighs/cooks/mixes all in one device and, in fact, is the only reason I ever attempt to cook). Do they need me? Pfft. Of course not.

Since I was impersonating an octopus by trying not to let Eva (2yrs) dump the entire container of salt in the bowl, while simultaneously moderating how many teaspons of cinnamon Xave (4yrs) was using…I climbed on the chair too.

I do like to look down on people anyway.

My mum and oldest sister (owner of these small hooligans) thought this was hilarious. IT WAS NOT HILARIOUS. IT WAS SURVIVAL.

And also, the height helped me be able to dip into the sultanas whilst directing these minions in cooking.

I did rather well at directing. I’ve missed my calling. I should be a Destruction Coordinator.

The Thermomix is reportedly very loud when grinding cashews.

It was basically cinnamon-flavoured chaos.

Sultanas everywhere. Atticus (my 6month puppy) was eating currents off the floor. We had a ground cloves sea under the teaspoon measurements. Eva ate, like, a million cashews. Three of us shuffled around on that one chair to the tune of, “EB, scootch your butt!” and “Brother’s turn!”

I have no idea why, but they refer to each other as “brother” and “sister” a lot, so I do too, because LET’S FACE IT: names are confusing. I would happily refer to people as “human 1” and “human 2”. This is Reason #53903 why I will make a great world ruler.

And, perhaps, I forgot what the word was for beaten egg whites (it’s…surprisingly…beaten egg whites) and called them “gooble”, which is now what Xave thinks they’re called.

“Add in da gooble!” he shouted and nearly wiped me out with a spatula.

There was a lot of licking and double-dipping involved. I, in no way, vouch for the cleanliness of these hot cross buns.

I also suspect, with less tasting from Minion 1 and Minion 2, there would’ve been more buns made. And there’s also that one bun Eva dropped on the floor. It was a mad dive between me and the dog to see who got there first. I won, but barely.

The Minions’ handler did the crosses, with much difficulty, due to her enormous size. (What?! I’m her little sister! I’m allowed to make mean jokes while she’s great with child.) Yes, there is a 3rd minion due any day now. I’m not sure how 4 of us will fit standing on a chair.

I suspect I’ll have to choose favourites between my niece and nephew and Unnamed Gendered Relative. No doubt I’ll pick whichever one is less sticky.

Despite the near miss with an enormous amount of cloves (cloves are powerful, people! It could’ve been a disaster!), the mixture tasted utterly divine. And when cooked? They were delicious. Very fruity and spicy and moist.

They’re made on cashews and sweetened with coconut syrup because our family is odd like that. I’m joking, Mum! Don’t sigh. I know it’s for health reasons.

If you’re unfamiliar with hot cross buns (even after this), let me TELL YOU ALL.

Obviously they’re small sweet buns with copious amounts of raisins/sultanas/currents. They’re traditionally eaten on Good Friday in the UK and Australia (apparently also in Canada and India!) so my wonderful American friends are probably missing out.

There are lots of superstitions surrounding hot cross buns (one being they’ll never grow mouldy but I think that’s because they never LAST to go mouldy), including the practise that if you share one, it’s a bond of friendship:

“Half for you and half for me, Between us two shall goodwill be.”

Clearly I’ll never have friends.

have you even eaten a hot cross bun?! better yet: have you ever cooked with preschoolers?! (it’s an…adventure.) SO TELL ME! what do you traditionally do around Easter?! do you have holidays? family gatherings? delicious food? i’m really curious!

Cait @ Paper Fury
…is currently mourning the fact hot cross buns in her house will, indeed, never go mouldy because…they were gone in one sitting. So sad. Between moaning about this, she’s finishing reviewing Skulduggery 6 and about to start on Eon which, she hopes, contains lots epic dragonish action.